Humorous Quotes

  1. Don’t confuse your path with your destination. Just because it’s stormy now doesn’t mean you aren’t headed for sunshine.
  2. Sometimes when I’m scrolling through the Facebook news feed… I come across a really good status… and I think… now this guy is awesome… just as I’m about to like it… I’m like…oh wait that ones mine!!!
  3. Hell hath no fury like a woman slightly inconvenienced.
  4. Facebook buys Instagram for one billion?!? Idiots!! They could have downloaded it from the app store for .99 cents..
  5. Autocorrect has been around for centuries, I got mine when I married my wife.
  6. Ladies: If “snuggling” is so important to you, have the guy do that BEFORE you have sex. Trust me…… He’ll snuggle and snuggle and snuggle…
  7. Graduation speech: I would like to thank Wikipedia, and copy/paste. – I’m out bitc$es
  8. There’s a little “I’m jealous” in every “whatever.”
  9. I’ve been wondering, If poison goes out of date and expires, does it become more or less deadly?
  10. Have you ever done it kitty style? It’s like doggy style, but with purring, scratching and biting.
  11. ❒ Taken ❒ Single ✔ Depends on how drunk I am.
  12. Ever been so tired at work that people thought you were drunk? I hope so because that’s the only excuse I have for being drunk at work.
  13. A Rabbit’s foot is considered good luck! A Camel’s toe should be considered really good luck!!
  14. I feel old whenever someone tells me they were born in the 90’s.
  15. I’m starting to feel bullied by all the anti-bullying commercials.
  16. Woman’s Logic: Bikini – No problem. Bra and underwear: – OMG DON’T LOOK!!!
  17. Ever wonder how many of your friends are jerks? Just post something with a typo in it….. It’s like their mating call.
  18. My kids outgoing voice mail message says,,” I’m sorry I won’t come to the phone right now. It’s 2012. LEARN TO TEXT.”
  19. You gotta go for personality, guys…. They’ll ALL look like grandma someday,,
  20. If you LOVE something, set it free.. If it comes back to you,,,,you love a boomerang