Humorous Quotes

  1. There’s nothing like shaving off your beard to remind everybody why your face needed a beard
  2. LIKE if you remember having to REWIND a video before you returned it.
  3. My new girlfriend really takes my breath away…. She’s inflatable.
  4. Dear woman who likes to bring her friends along on our first date. You are simply giving me more options just in case I am not feeling you.
  5. I wonder if the clothes in China say “made around the corner “
  6. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again.
  7. I’m not sure if I actually have free time or there are things I’m forgetting to do.
  8. I don’t always correct someone’s spelling but when I do, I google it first so I don’t make an ass of myself.
  9. I just scrolled so far back on Facebook’s Timeline… I wound up back over on MySpace. 🙁
  10. I’ve reached the most difficult moment in parenting: explaining to my son why the first Star Wars movie is Episode 4.
  11. “Bros before hoes” sounds like something a bro without a hoe would say.
  12. This bottle of beer is not only delicious,,,, It also contains almost 10% of my daily requirement of beer…
  13. Whenever I drop something edible I just call my dog over to clean it up.
  14. Oh, you love your boyfriend? Please, go ahead and saturate my Facebook news feed with your feelings.
  15. My wife complained the other day, “Why did God give women periods with cramp pains and men nothing?” I laughed and said, “Don’t be silly honey, he gave us women.”
  16. What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date? Patient.
  17. How come if you eat two cookies you gain 3 lbs. Then when you take a major dump, you don’t lose anything?
  18. The best revenge is to show them that your life is getting better after they’re gone
  19. I have a talent for only attracting people I have no interest in dating.
  20. You can’t afford a bar of soap, but Beer,, Cigarettes,, & $700 worth of tattoos is not a problem?.. This is why sometimes I have a hard time feeling bad for most people