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- The best way to make people remember you? Borrow money from them
- Sea levels aren’t rising due to global warming. They are rising due to the increase in obesity. The continents are actually sinking…
- I use Google to check if I have internet connection more than I use Google to Google.
- So let me get this straight, a 747 can carry a space shuttle on its “back”, and yet airlines charge for overweight baggage?
- We should hang out and stare at our phones.
- It’s not my farting that bothers my wife, it’s me yelling “Release the Kraken!!” right before I do it.
- This doughnut scented car air freshener will more than pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
- If it’s true that we are here on earth to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
- Can’t call it a real relationship if you feel single.
- My wife said to me, “Isn’t it odd how on our keyboard the letters ORPN have been worn out?”
- What’s the definition of a tree? Something that stands still for forty years then suddenly jumps out in front of a woman driver.
- I have a confession to make… “I want to get back with my ex”…LOL Just Kidding…”I’d rather sh!t in my hands and clap !”..
- Opportunity knocks only once, if you hear a second knock it’s probably a Jehovah’s witness.
- A drunken man speaks what a sober man thinks.
- I understand that your heart is in the right place. Unfortunately, your head is up your ass, and I ain’t goin in after it.
- I planted something on Earth Day… My ass in my recliner for the day!
- My wife doesn’t appreciate that I love her mother in law more than I love mine.
- Love the F word… Friday! What were you thinking?
- I just named my whiskey “Titanic” because it goes down better with ice.
- Never chase love, affection, or attention. If it isn’t given freely by another person, it isn’t worth having