Humorous Quotes

  1. The best way to make people remember you? Borrow money from them
  2. Sea levels aren’t rising due to global warming. They are rising due to the increase in obesity. The continents are actually sinking…
  3. I use Google to check if I have internet connection more than I use Google to Google.
  4. So let me get this straight, a 747 can carry a space shuttle on its “back”, and yet airlines charge for overweight baggage?
  5. We should hang out and stare at our phones.
  6. It’s not my farting that bothers my wife, it’s me yelling “Release the Kraken!!” right before I do it.
  7. This doughnut scented car air freshener will more than pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
  8. If it’s true that we are here on earth to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
  9. Can’t call it a real relationship if you feel single.
  10. My wife said to me, “Isn’t it odd how on our keyboard the letters ORPN have been worn out?”
  11. What’s the definition of a tree? Something that stands still for forty years then suddenly jumps out in front of a woman driver.
  12. I have a confession to make… “I want to get back with my ex”…LOL Just Kidding…”I’d rather sh!t in my hands and clap !”..
  13. Opportunity knocks only once, if you hear a second knock it’s probably a Jehovah’s witness.
  14. A drunken man speaks what a sober man thinks.
  15. I understand that your heart is in the right place. Unfortunately, your head is up your ass, and I ain’t goin in after it.
  16. I planted something on Earth Day… My ass in my recliner for the day!
  17. My wife doesn’t appreciate that I love her mother in law more than I love mine.
  18. Love the F word… Friday! What were you thinking?
  19. I just named my whiskey “Titanic” because it goes down better with ice.
  20. Never chase love, affection, or attention. If it isn’t given freely by another person, it isn’t worth having