Humorous Quotes

  1. What do you call two black men on a videotape? Evidence.
  2. I don’t mind lesbians, actually. They’re still women who won’t sleep with me, but at least it’s nothing personal.
  3. Not all men just want a relationship for sex. Some want their ironing done too.
  4. Sometimes I need what only some people can provide: Their absence.
  5. It’s all fun and games until your iPhone is at 10% power
  6. There’s no woman in the world more beautiful than the one lying next to you……………at that time 🙂
  7. I’m writing a book about reverse psychology.. Please don’t buy it.
  8. “I wasn’t that drunk!” Dude, you told my mom you’re no weather man, but she can expect a couple inches tonight.
  9. I wasn’t sure why the doctor prescribed LSD for my constipation, until I saw a dragon and sh*t myself.
  10. This guy told me that he can see the future but he didn’t even try to duck when I punched him in the face.
  11. When I need a friend, you’re there.. When I’m lonely, you’re there.. When I’m afraid, you’re there.. When I need help, you’re still there.. Dammit! When the f*ck will you come over here?? You’re always there!!
  12. My wife’s a magician. She can turn anything into an argument.
  13. Sex without love is like ice cream without sprinkles… still pretty fcuking awesome.
  14. Sometimes love is like having one too many drinks….you feel so good that you don’t notice you’re making a fool of yourself.
  15. There are always two ways to look at things. I prefer to look at them my way.
  16. Black person: Jeans $200, Shirt $100, Shoes $160, pockets.. $0 White Person: Jeans $15, Shirt $20, Shoes $30, pockets $5,000″
  17. I don’t see dead people, I just see people that I wish were dead.
  18. Advises all the young people, “Do not grow up; it’s a trap!!”
  19. Time is not wasted, when your wasted all the time” ~Benjamin Franklin (I think.)
  20. I couldn’t find the thingy that peels the carrots and potatoes, so I asked the kids if they’d seen it. Apparently, she left me a few days ago.