Humorous Quotes

  1. Give a woman a compliment, she’ll smile for a day.. Teach a woman to fish for compliments & she’ll be annoying for the rest of her life.
  2. I’ve saved a ton of money on Birthday Cards by switching to Facebook!
  3. Oh, you’re having a bad day? In 1976, Ronald Wayne sold his 10% stake in Apple for $800. Now it’s worth $58,065,210,000.
  4. Usually, the one you want, is the one you can’t have.
  5. When updating your status, always proof-read carefully to see if you any words out…
  6. My girlfriend left me after I broke her wheelchair….. Oh,, I think she’ll come crawling back soon..
  7. My girlfreind says I’m an idiot who can’t do anything right. So I packed her bags and left.
  8. It only takes a few seconds to show someone how you feel about them. The police call it indecent exposure but whatever….
  9. Facebook: Helping you acknowledge the existence of people you had been successfully ignoring for years.
  10. When God created china he knew he would never have to make anything else again…..
  11. Guys, it is true. Size DOES matter. When have you ever been satisfied after she brings you a small sandwich?
  12. Have you ever loved someone so much, you wanted to keep them hidden from the world and all to yourself? Well, apparently it’s called kidnapping
  13. As you take another breath, someone takes their last. Stop complaining; appreciate life.
  14. Every time I drive past a hitchhiker I feel kinda bad thinking maybe they’re just liking my status.
  15. 100% of the people that talk sh!t about your life, have sh!ttier lives than you.
  16. I bet the Chinese get excited when it’s raining cats and dogs. Must be like a buffet for them.
  17. If I ask my mom to take a picture for me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling “IT’S THE BUTTON ON FRONT!”
  18. Just ONCE would I love to see a girl I know in a porno
  19. Dating your Ex again is like buying your clothes back from Goodwill. There’s a reason you got rid of it in the first place.
  20. If I had a shot of whiskey for every time I thought of you, I’d be sober.