Humorous Quotes

  1. When Life knocks you down, calmly get back up, smile, and say “You hit like a bit$h.”
  2. Today I am the C.E.O of the “I Don’t Give A Sh*t” Committee…….. We Are Hiring
  3. Sometimes I squirt mayonnaise across my breasts so I don’t forget what it’s like to have a boyfriend.
  4. If you keep your child on a leash in public, I will not hesitate to ask “Does he bite?”
  5. The early bird needs to shut the fcuk up.
  6. I judge you by what’s behind you in your photos.
  7. What kind of moronic mirror thinks that Kristen Stewart is fairer than Charlize Theron?
  8. Oh Mickey, you’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow my mind. Hey Mickey. Hey Hey Mickey!..face it you didn’t read that, you sang it.
  9. Sometimes I like to pet another dog while making eye contact with my dog. Adds just the right amount of tension to our relationship.
  10. If we have sex in the dark, there’s a 50% chance that I’ll put it in the wrong hole and a 100% chance that I did it on purpose.
  11. Instead of yelling, I just say “Caps Lock” and then speak at a normal volume…
  12. My shoulder just got to 2nd base with the chick who is cutting my hair…
  13. I hear birds chirping. Either I’m up way too late or I’ve banged my head cartoon style.
  14. If the Terminator was female the line would have been, “I might be back, I haven’t decided yet.”
  15. You know before Facebook, I use to call up 435 friends of mine everyday… just to tell them ‘how much I hate my work and how much I love getting stoned.’
  16. If being drunk before 3pm on a Friday is wrong, I never want to be right.
  17. My wallet is like an onion. When I open it.. it makes me cry.
  18. Before Facebook and online dating, I seriously don’t think I’ve ever seen a picture of a person in their bathroom.
  19. As I’ve gotten older, every time I look in the mirror I see my dad more and more. I guess its time to move out, its starting to get weird.
  20. Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief & suffering years after it’s been eaten. It’s called a Wedding Cake!!