Humorous Quotes

  1. I watch Looney Tunes before I go to work, because there’s something about old school cartoon violence that relaxes me
  2. Elmer Fudd knew how to deal with a duck face.
  3. My age is very inappropriate for my behavior.
  4. My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I didn’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves like that.;-)
  5. “I sit on my ass looking at the web all day.” – a spider
  6. I act like I don’t care but deep inside I still don’t give a fcuk.
  7. I’m single because I’m pretty good at recognizing crazy.
  8. A dog will never borrow money from you, and that’s why he’s man’s best friend.
  9. When I get on facebook I get excited when I see the red numbers over the globe thing until I open it and find it is for a stupid game request.
  10. It’s complicated” is just code for, “I’m willing to cheat.”
  11. Sometimes when your sad, no one cares. Sometimes when you cry, no one sees. Sometimes when you leave no one notices. But fart just one time.
  12. My wife said I don’t do enough work around the house. Its like she thinks this FB account just runs itself………smh
  13. Pop up ads are the Jehovahs witness of the internet.
  14. The first 1500 pictures of your kids were cute, now it’s a bit much.
  15. My heart goes out to all those frustrated people who are stuck in Traffic, on their way to the Gym to ride Stationary Bicycles…
  16. How quick she mentions her husband/fiancé/boyfriend is directly related to how creeped out she is by you.
  17. Hitting the treadmill to release stress is not nearly as effective as hitting the people that cause the stress…….
  18. The week seems to go by at the speed of a snail. Unless it’s the weekend. Then the snail is driving a Ferrari.
  19. I refuse to believe that everybody was kung fu fighting. I’m sorry, but there had to be at least a couple people sitting that one out.
  20. Trying to be less negative but it’ll never work.