Humorous Quotes

  1. Excuse me miss, you’ve got a little bit of face on your makeup there.
  2. I’m not desperate because i’m single, i’m single because i’m not desperate.
  3. I just don’t understand my next door neighbor. She keeps going on about how she’d love to be a contestant on a reality show, but she went mental when she found out I’d put cameras all over her house.
  4. Sociologists say that social media is creating the laziest generation. I expressed my opinion in great detail by hitting the “Like” button.
  5. My biggest fear is that I have already discovered time travel and I will bump into myself and spoil the surprise.
  6. Driving a rental car means never knowing the safest place to wipe a booger without haphazardly finding someone else’s.
  7. Skinny= Anorexic Thick= Obese. Virgin= Too good. Non-Virgin= Slut. Friendly= Fake. Quiet= Rude. It seems like you can never please society
  8. Some people are as useless as the second window at McDonald’s.
  9. The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
  10. If you ask me, NASCAR would be much more entertaining if the drivers had had as much to drink as the fans.
  11. First time I ever saw a dry-erase board I said “that’s remarkable.”
  12. You cannot taste me until you undress me. Sincerely , Banana
  13. I like to send out texts saying “Hey, I got a new phone and lost your number. Can I have it again?” Just to see who`s dumb enough.
  14. I bought my son a pet snake and the salesman said “Be careful those snakes grow up to 20 feet” I said “Shut up…snakes don’t grow feet!!!!”
  15. I thought Angry Birds was what I get from other drivers.
  16. Turn a man down for sex, he gets over it. Turn a woman down? Oh. My. God.
  17. I’m not into phone sex, the cord always gets stuck in my ass.
  18. Subway should be taken to court. They force their male employees to make sandwiches for other people and that is clearly sexist.
  19. A woman’s shoes say a lot about her feelings believe it or not. For example, if they’re behind her ears, she likes you.
  20. Never tell a woman to calm down when she’s drunk, it’s like baptizing a cat. It’s not gonna work