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- Guys who say they like girls who don’t wear makeup really mean they like girls that look really hot without the help of makeup.
- If I had a year to live, I would spend it with my ex… because it would be the longest year of my life.
- I like girls with curves, if I wanted to see bones, I would go to the damn museum.
- I told my GF I was buying her some diamonds for her birthday. She said that nothing would please her more. So I got her nothing.
- How do people lose their kids at the mall? Seriously, any tips would be greatly appreciated.
- If only the Olympics had an event that involved falling down and not spilling your drink…
- ..which is why I start my sentences in the middle.
- Being a FEMALE is a matter of BIRTH, being a WOMAN is a matter of AGE, but being a LADY is a matter of CHOICE…
- A wise man once said nothing.
- I think I’m more shocked that Rodney King had a swimming pool than that he is dead
- When I’m feeling athletic, I go to a sports bar
- Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
- I love doggie style as much as the next guy, but sometimes she’s just too pretty to fcuk from behind.
- I could have sworn I heard a chorus of a thousand tiny voices rising up from the shower drain to wish me a Happy Fathers Day.
- It funny that when it’s black on white, it’s a crime. When it it’s white on black, it’s a hate crime.
- I really want a sandwich, but I just don’t have the time or energy to find a girlfriend right now…..
- I’m one of those people that no one warned you about.
- I bet the first gay Transformer will morph into a Prius.
- Sleeping in could easily be my superpower. If not for my arch-nemesis, having to pee.
- Trying to talk to a girl without staring at her boobs is like trying to poop without peeing.