Humorous Quotes

  1. Ladies stop looking for a man to sweep you off your feet. Sweeping is your job.
  2. Wife: Let’s go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
  3. A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.
  4. My wife has just walked out the door with the kids for good because of my addiction to horse racing. In fact, I can see them now – they’re all at the gate – and they’re off!
  5. It’s not the size of the ship nor the motion in the ocean…it’s whether the Captain can stay in port long enough for all the passengers to get off..
  6. How to freak someone out. 1. Find someone on Facebook with the same name as you. 2. Steal their profile picture. 3. Poke them.
  7. I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
  8. The best part about this status update is that by the time you’ve finished reading it you realize that there is absolutely no point to it
  9. I used to think the brain was the most interesting part of the body. Then I realized what was telling me that.
  10. If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
  11. Marriage is a workshop………The husband works & The wife shops
  12. Facebook weather: We are expecting 2 to 3 feet of drama this evening with bullsh1t blowing in from all directions!
  13. Am I the only one who calculates how many hours sleep I can get before I go to sleep?!
  14. I think it’s cute how my bankruptcy attorney thinks I’m going to pay him!
  15. The most important thing I look for from a potential employer is a bathroom with a good network connection.
  16. When I was a boy my Momma would send me down to the corner store with a $1 and i’d come back with 2 loafs of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a block of cheese, a box of tea, 6 eggs and 5 potatoes. You can’t do that now , too many feckin security cameras.
  17. Out of all the lies I’ve ever told, “Just kidding” is my favourite.
  18. Not having tattoos is suddenly a great way to express your individuality.
  19. I always mean what I say. Sometimes, I didn’t mean to say it out loud.
  20. I raise the bar when it comes to lowering standards.