Humorous Quotes

  1. Some Warning Labels are a little retarded, like on my Deodorant it says, “Avoid Contact with Eyes”….TOO LATE, I’ve already seen it!!!
  2. Def Need a ” facebook filter” to prevent all the weddings and babies from showing up on my feed.
  3. The biggest problem with stupid people is that they don’t know they’re fcuking stupid.
  4. I hate finding out I’m arguing with someone who actually knows what they’re talking about.
  5. I hate mosquitoes, they’re like nature’s version of a Jehovah’s Witness……….
  6. Dog’s Facebook status: Tried to save the master from the vacuum cleaner today… He just yelled at me.
  7. They say: “keep your friends close and your enemies closer”. The problem is, nowadays you can’t tell them apart.
  8. Dear Facebook friend that posts inspirational quotes, your inspirational quotes have inspired me to unfriend you
  9. Girls who marry for money & guys who marry for beauty are equally robbed in the end.
  10. Scientists remain baffled as to why the people on the internet really like pictures of cats and cats doing things.
  11. I haven’t seen any new Bigfoot pictures in a while… I hope he’s ok.
  12. I am fresh out of milkshakes, but I’m pretty sure that my willingness to put out on the first date will bring all the boys to the yard.
  13. Well I failed my driver’s test today. The instructor asked me what I do at Red lights, and I said, “Text and Facebook”
  14. I think I’m gonna just be a rapper. apparently you need zero experience, and zero talent to be a millionaire in the rap game now?
  15. I could kill you with kindness, but shoving you into traffic just saves so much time.
  16. We all have that one friend with the hot sister everyone wants to get with.
  17. My phone battery can last longer than most relationships these days.
  18. Never share secrets with bank employees, they’re all tellers.
  19. Life sucks when a girlfriend doesn’t
  20. Every mile you jog adds 1 minute to your life, so when you’re 85 you can spend an extra 5 months in a nursing home at $8,000 per month.