Humorous Quotes

  1. Listen, I’m sorry… That reaction was WAY over the line…. I actually have no problem with the horse you rode in on….
  2. Tip: If your parents are always criticizing you,,, ask them if the problem is bad genes or bad parenting.
  3. Hey Facebook, I really don’t care that a friend of mine commented on someone else’s status or photo.
  4. Sometimes girls look at me and say, “Mmm not bad.” They don’t say it out loud but I can tell they’re thinking that.
  5. Just because we share the same skin colour does not follow that I am obliged to always support you in every foolish and idiotic thing you say or do.
  6. It’s funny to watch you girls on Facebook whine and cry about your drama in one status and then the next….10 mins later “Pedi’s, mani’s now and drinks with my besties later, life is great”!!
  7. Hey Facebook, I really don’t care that somebody commented on a post that I commented on seven days ago.
  8. There are so many scams on the Internet now… Send me $19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them.
  9. I was seeing a therapist for trust issues, but I had to quit going when I found out he was seeing other patients.
  10. If you Happy and you know it thank your ex!
  11. ”Hey, How was your Blind date?” ”Terrible! He showed up in a 1932 Rolls Royce!”……”What’s so terrible about that?”…..”He was the original owner!!!”
  12. This is no place for memorials, petitions, or any of that emotional shit.
  13. I spend 90% of my time at the gym choosing the right song for my workout.
  14. As an unemotional person, I never thought pieces of papers would make me cry until I started to pay my bills
  15. Okay, I’m lost… Can someone please lend me Facebook: Seasons 1 and 2 ???
  16. Renewing your wedding vows is like agreeing on a double life sentence to prison.
  17. There is nothing worse that realizing the vacation you planned is going to be the same week as her period.
  18. My wife looked different today then it dawned on me. Her mouth was closed…
  19. I’m gonna stand outside a strangers house tonight with a lit candle & tell them it’s in remembrance of all the people I killed there.
  20. I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
  21. I don’t’ carelessly utter profanities like a commoner. I take my time and articulate them properly; after all I’m a fcuking gentleman.
  22. Tired? Cranky ? Feeling like crap …..There’s a nap for that .