Humorous Quotes

  1. Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.
  2. Relationships last longer when everybody doesnt know your business
  3. Friend: “Omg, your parents are so nice!” … You: “It’s because you`re here..”
  4. Longest minutes ever: 1. Waiting on a text 2. Waiting on your food to get out the microwave 3. Commercial while watching a good show.
  5. I want that “Damn you are still together?” Relationship!
  6. Why do they keep records of people who died due to alcohol, but not the records of people who were born thanks to it?
  7. Women! Boob jobs, nose jobs, teeth bleaching, tummy tucks, liposuction, colonic irrigation, botox, pierced ears, nipples, bellys and c**ts, eyebrows plucked, bikini wax, lips tattooed, legs waxed and they won’t take it up the a$$ cause it ‘hurts’.
  8. When people ask me for advice, I tell them, “Use your best judgment,” which they clearly don’t have if they are asking me for advice.
  9. Privacy is very important to me. That is why I only share sensitive information with my closest 480 friends on Facebook.
  10. I think you should say happy birthday 4 times to everyone having a birthday today.. since they only get 1 birthday every 4 years..
  11. Angelina Jolie needs to take some time off her busy schedule of feeding the hungry and poor in third world countries and feed herself for a change.
  12. I forgive and forget, because I have a good heart, and a terrible memory.
  13. The worst part about calling in for a sick day is the pressure of knowing you only have one shot to do the “I’m sick” voice.
  14. The coolest thing about being a dog must be the ability to use your own ass for a pillow.
  15. “Have fun” is just a nicer phrase for “have a horrible time without me.”
  16. New survey: 55% of men expect to pay on the 1st date. While the other 45% have never been on a 2nd date.
  17. People who email you Spam…Email them Porn! Problem solved 😉
  18. Back before Walmart, you used to have to buy a ticket to see a bearded woman.
  19. NORMAL PEOPLE: “aww, they’re such a cute couple” ME: “I wonder if they fu***d yet”
  20. My wife said, “You always blame everyone else when things go wrong” I said..”And whose fault is that?”