Humorous Quotes

  1. The lengths I’m willing to go to avoid somebody I know in a supermarket could count as cardio.
  2. I am giving up a few negative people for lent. So, if you call, text, Facebook or email and I don’t get to back to you?? Odds are it was you.
  3. I’m giving up my new year’s resolution for lent
  4. Roses are red, violets are blue…valentine’s crap is over now don’t you have some ironing to do?
  5. Don’t you just hate it when the person you’re Facebook-stalking never updates anything.
  6. One thing that all us white guys from the suburbs can agree on is if a black guy has a British accent, we’re 85% less scared of him
  7. Guns don’t kill people. Fathers with pretty daughters do.
  8. Friend request > Poke > Message > Phone Number > Text > Meet > Bang
  9. If you don’t believe that Love is Blind. Look at Howard Wolowitz and Bernadette Rostenkowski.
  10. Here’s my gym schedule. Monday, cardio. Tuesday, weights. Wednesday, 7 mile bike ride. Thursday, 15 year break. Repeat.
  11. Facebook would be way cooler if it was on TV. : “In other news Brian’s ex-girlfriend is still a cold, heartless b!tch. Details at 11”.
  12. Difference between rain in India and USA is that in USA the water disappears in 5 minutes. In India the road disappears in 5 minutes
  13. Suicide Bomber Training: “Pay attention because I’m only going to show you this once…”
  14. What is a 6.9 ? A good thing ruined by a period.
  15. I couldn’t find the thingy that peels the carrots and potatoes, so I asked the kids if they’d seen it. Apparently she left me yesterday.
  16. Rihanna and Chris Brown recorded a duet together……i think its a cover of Britney’s, “Hit me baby one more time”
  17. We Found Love in a Swollen Face – Chris Brown ft. Rihanna
  18. I’d like to thank my skeletal system for all the support it’s given me over the years.
  19. Ladies… don’t jump to conclusions that your boyfriend is cheating just because he never wants you to look at his phone. It’s probably just full of porn
  20. If you aren’t sure if you like someone, here’s a test: imagine they’re dead. Now, was it an accident or did you murder them?