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- Everyone knows that 1 person who never laughs…I’m drawn to them like a moth to a flame, just to make their lives a living hell
- If it wasn’t for my incredible willpower, I would be exercising right now.
- Dear cast of The Simpsons, Why is it that the Asian characters are white and the white characters are yellow? Sincerely, confused.
- My greatest contribution to most situations is just not making it worse.
- I hate that I push myself to do so many squats and lunges only to be forced into walking like a penguin the next day.
- There’s an iPhone app that scans your face and tells you how ugly you are. You don’t need this. If your phone doesn’t ring at all, you’re ugly.
- “Got kicked out of the hokey pokey class for putting it in, when I was supposed to be shaking it all about.”
- Why is it that whenever there is two women in a profile pic the hot one is always someone else..?
- “Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.”
- “Support bacteria — it’s the only culture some people have!”
- The richest man is not he who has the most, but he who needs the least.
- The three most read words in the world: I? ?L?o?v?e? ?Y?o?u? …NO! It’s: “Made in China.”
- I’m still waiting for the day that I will actually use x² + why +8 [(x + 2y ² = a-z] + 2x ³ + (- 2z = 2. 4) + 10y – 5Z ³= k= 9 in real life
- Lazy rule #35: If you spill some water, it will eventually dry.
- Treat your woman like a vacuum cleaner, if she stops sucking, replace the bag
- I was playing with my new toaster in the bathtub today when I read the warning label and it said not to. I was shocked.
- My favorite outdoor activity is going back inside.
- The phrase, “Don’t take this the wrong way” has a zero percent success rate.
- Spent 15 damn minutes looking for my phone in the car last night while using my phone as a light, yup that high..
- When I was young our phones didn’t have internet, they had SNAKE!