Humorous Quotes

  1. Everyone knows that 1 person who never laughs…I’m drawn to them like a moth to a flame, just to make their lives a living hell
  2. If it wasn’t for my incredible willpower, I would be exercising right now.
  3. Dear cast of The Simpsons, Why is it that the Asian characters are white and the white characters are yellow? Sincerely, confused.
  4. My greatest contribution to most situations is just not making it worse.
  5. I hate that I push myself to do so many squats and lunges only to be forced into walking like a penguin the next day.
  6. There’s an iPhone app that scans your face and tells you how ugly you are. You don’t need this. If your phone doesn’t ring at all, you’re ugly.
  7. “Got kicked out of the hokey pokey class for putting it in, when I was supposed to be shaking it all about.”
  8. Why is it that whenever there is two women in a profile pic the hot one is always someone else..?
  9. “Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.”
  10. “Support bacteria — it’s the only culture some people have!”
  11. The richest man is not he who has the most, but he who needs the least.
  12. The three most read words in the world: I? ?L?o?v?e? ?Y?o?u? …NO! It’s: “Made in China.”
  13. I’m still waiting for the day that I will actually use x² + why +8 [(x + 2y ² = a-z] + 2x ³ + (- 2z = 2. 4) + 10y – 5Z ³= k= 9 in real life
  14. Lazy rule #35: If you spill some water, it will eventually dry.
  15. Treat your woman like a vacuum cleaner, if she stops sucking, replace the bag
  16. I was playing with my new toaster in the bathtub today when I read the warning label and it said not to. I was shocked.
  17. My favorite outdoor activity is going back inside.
  18. The phrase, “Don’t take this the wrong way” has a zero percent success rate.
  19. Spent 15 damn minutes looking for my phone in the car last night while using my phone as a light, yup that high..
  20. When I was young our phones didn’t have internet, they had SNAKE!