New Jokes


I met a really horny bitch on the way home from the pub last night and I commented on how fcukable she looked.

She thanked me for the compliment and suggested that I drag her into the bushes and have rough sex with her.

Actually, she said nothing like that but I’ve always had an extraordinary talent for reading between the lines.


One day a father comes home and catches his daughter on the couch shoving a cucumber up her pussy.

He says “fcuk me you are such a selfish little bitch, I was gonna eat that later but now its gonna taste like cucumber.”


A man walks into a library and asks for a book on ‘How to live life to the full with a 2 inch penis’.

The librarian says, “That ones just in.”


A man walks in to a library and asks for a book on Amnesia.

The librarian replies, “fuck off, you’ll forget to bring it back”

To which the man replies, “bring what back?”


I have just finished watching the chinese porn version of The Wizard of Oz

I particularly liked the big song and dance number ‘swallow the yellow dicks load.’


A man walks into a library and asks for a book on shit punchlines.

The librarian directs him to the correct section.

Click Here For More From Today!

Hot Jokes Today


Calvin Klein Suit: £1200

Bouquet of Flowers: £40

Candle lit Dinner for 2: £100

Moonlight Serenade: £300

Deluxe Suite in the Hilton: £200

The look on her face as I whip out my 2 inch cock: Priceless


I saw a fat bird down the pub, her T-shirt said – Watch out, I’m a maneater!

I went up to her and said, “Excuse me, love… about your t-shirt slogan.”

She stopped me and angrily said, “Oh, let me guess: you want to know how many men I’ve eaten?! Well, I can’t help my size, you know!”

I said, “Actually, no, I wasn’t going to say that at all.”

She looked happier and smiled as she said, “Oh yes, what did you want to say then?”

“That’s not how you spell Manatee.”


I asked my wife, “What’s your opinion on the state of English football?”

“Its shit,” she replied, “absolute crap.”

“More than likely,” I said, “but let’s hear it anyway.”


I put a hundred bucks worth of fuel into my car and then drove off without paying.
Unfortunately the police caught me after a short chase.
I ran out of petrol half a mile down the road.


When I was a little boy I asked my grandfather what the days of the week were.

He replied “Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday”.

He then added with a hint of yearning and sadness in his eyes, “Those were the days”.


I love the fact my girlfriend is Jewish.
At first it was hard to get her to do anal, but then I showed her all the money we are saving on condoms.


Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved

Click Here For More Hot Jokes!