Just thought you should know: Vibrators are causing quite the buzz in the bedroom.
My favorite adult store had a contest recently. The first prize was a ribbed rabbit vibrator and second place was a Hitachi Magic Wand.
They needed a catchy name for their remodeled female sex toy division.
Second place winner: Amanda xxx for “Toys for Twats”
First place Winner: Judy xxx for “Battery Operated Boyfriends.”
I have two friends, One is “Admin,” who writes most of the jokes here in the Joke Cafe.
Recently Admin said he saw himself naked in the mirror, and now his hand isn’t in the mood.
My other friend is my girlfriend.
This morning she saw herself in the mirror and now her Hitachi Magic Wand isn’t in the mood either.
When it comes to sex, my old lady thinks twice before she turns me down.
Yeah, she turns me down once in the morning and once at night.
Last week I told my wife, “If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef.”
She said, “If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffeur.”
My woman and I have finally worked out a good arrangement.
I mean, one night a week I go out with the guys and one night a week, she goes out with the guys.
I met a babe in the local pub. She said, “I’m not interested in casual sex.”
So I replied, “OK, I’ll keep my tie on.”
About 151,600 people die every day. That means your Judgement Day and my Judgement Day are each allotted 0.57 seconds to plead our case to our Lord.
NEXT! Keep the line moving, nothing to see over here!
My mother was such a prude. When I was a baby, she breast fed me through a straw.
You think you are having trouble getting laid? Yesterday the hooker I had just paid for told me she had a headache.
My relationships with women have sucked ever since I began dating and picking up babes. I met this gal in a bar Tuesday night and took her back to my apartment.
I was getting ready to shag her and she started crying.
I said, “What’s wrong? Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?”
She said, “No, I hate myself now.”
I was tired of driving my old beater, so I stopped in to my local dealer.
The salesman showed me all the new models. No more station wagons, they are called SUVs. They had sub-compacts, intermediates, electric cars, hybrids… you name it, they had it.
I purchased a completely new model called a Pervertible. The top stays up and the driver goes down.
Hot Jokes This Week
Q: How does a bull stay warm on a bitterly cold day?
A: He goes into the barn and slips into a nice warm Jersey.
Phone Calls from Hell
George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.
The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished, the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.
Next, Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished, the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.
Finally, George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished, the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.
When Putin hears this, he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.
The devil smiles and replies, “Since Obama took over, the USA has gone to hell, so it’s a local call.”
From a German Dictionary:
FluppenShtupper (n) Flup • en • Shtup • ur
This Week’s Headlines You may have missed: …
• Chicago Police Will Use Orange Chalk To Outline Bodies During The Week Before Halloween…
• One of 10,000 Monkeys Sitting At 10,000 Typewriters cranks out “The Quick Brown Foxegty[57klfd@t”…
• Prisoner Undergoes Colostomy Surgery After Dropping Soap In the Gang Shower…
• Slide Rule Manufacturer Begs For Government Subsidies to Stay in Business…
• Bull In Fitting Room Complains that Jerseys Aren’t Tight Enough…
• NBC Ponders New TV Series: “Airline Tragedies” A Pilot Is Being Put Together As I Write…
• Prostitute Installs Card Reader in Vulva; Johns Can Swipe their VISA or MasterCard Before Shagging…
• Attractive 3rd Grader Demands Russell Stover Dark Chocolates From Strangers…
• Olives Suffer Depression Because They Aren’t Ugly Enough to Make Extra Virgin Olive Oil…
• Beauty Mark on Model’s Face Leaves to Pursue a Solo Career…
When Eve was disobedient, God decreed that women everywhere would work hard and please their man and be happy and obedient. And He promised it would be so unto the corners of the Earth.
Then God made the Earth a sphere and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Here is an exchange between a mother and son in a Section 8 household. (There are never any father – son exchanges in a Section 8 household because the fathers have long since disappeared.)
“Momma, what be ‘Socialism’?”
“Well, son, Socialism is when white folks go to work every day so we can get all our benefits, like free cell phones for each family member, rent subsidy, food stamps, EMC, free healthcare, utility subsidy, free computers and Internet connection, free food, free clothing, free gifts at Christmas, and on and on.
That be Socialism”.
“But Mama, don’t the white people get upset about that?”
“Sure they do son; that be called Racism!”
Congratulations to Tu Youyou on winning the Nobel Prize in Medicine and for being the most confusing person to sing Happy Birthday to.
I said to the wife, “After all these years of marriage, Why have you never threatened to divorce me”
She replied, “I’d hate to see you happy”
My girlfriend said, “You act like a detective too much. I want to split up.”
“Good idea,” I replied. “We can cover more ground that way.”
I saw a four-year-old girl sat on her own today. No signs of anyone near.
“Are you okay?” I asked her. “Do you know where your Mummy or Daddy are?”
“No,” she sobbed.
We know how to have a laugh at the orphanage.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
“What’s the rugby score?” I shouted to my wife from the kitchen.
“Well, England were winning, but Australia are scoring a point every second,” she shouted.
“The score’s the one above the timer,” I shouted back.