I’m not opposed to manscaping, but I don’t see the point of cutting the grass until somebody takes interest in the property.
Apparently sex seriously improves your memory.
I read that in a book.. Wait it was a magazine.. Actually I think it was the internet.
Seems that every single video shared on Facebook is the greatest ever, funniest ever, best ever etc etc.
Until a video exists of Chuck Norris round-housing Justin Bieber in the face I respectfully disagree
I went to cinema last night and saw a movie about cheese.
It was G rated.
That awkward moment when two of your friends break up, and you have to decide which one you want to stay friends with. So you stay friends with the one you wanna sleep with.
I married my wife for sex, she married me for money…now we’re fcuking even!
With the chance of jail approaching, Oscar Pistorius decides to spend what could be his last night of freedom with a hot escort.
“What sort of stuff will you do?” he asked, when they got to the hotel room
“Well, I am pretty much up for anything, I have no problem with Anal, teabagging, & pissing” she replied. “But you can forget The Real Girlfriend Experience”
Thanks to Ebola, this Halloween, the scariest costume might turn out to be that sexy nurse uniform.
“Be careful!” screamed the teenage mum to her three brats on the bus to work this morning.
A Canadian man has found a dead mouse in his McDonalds coffee.
They just don’t seem to put the effort into those happy meal toys anymore.
Don’t tell me I don’t know what it’s like to get raped ladies…..
I pay taxes too.
I got a large Domino’s pizza delivered to the pub last night.
As I sat there with the box on the table in front of me the landlord came over and said, “You’ll have to take that out if you want to eat it.”
I said, “I know mate, I’m not going to chew it through the cardboard.”
I walked into the library and said, “I’m looking for a brand new book for people who enjoy smelling each other’s farts. Is it in yet?”
“Don’t hold your breath,” said the librarian.
“That’s the one,’ I replied.
I was watching a porno and this girl managed to gag on the bloke’s cock for up to five minutes at a time. Amazed by such a performance, I tried this with my wife and ended up killing her.
Turns out that I just have a slow internet connection.
It’s been 5 years to the day since I quit drinking.
And 4 years, 364 1/2 days since I started again.
I went to the library today and asked for a book on manners.
The librarian replied, “We haven’t got any, so fcuk off.”
My wife told me that when she took the kids to school there was a crunching noise when she put the car into reverse.
So I put on my overalls, got my tools and re-hung the garage door.
A black man tried to steal my car as I was driving. I was going pretty fast, but the cheeky cunt managed to get in through the windscreen.
“I want to be a millionaire. Just like my dad!”
“Wow, your dad’s a millionaire?”
“No, but he always wanted to be.”
“Can we have ‘Punctuation Sex’ tonight?” I asked the wife.
“What do you mean, ‘Punctuation Sex?” she queried.
“It’s where I put my semi in your colon …”
What’s the most difficult thing to master if you want to become a nightclub bouncer?
Seven hours of holding your gut in.
My wife phoned me at work and said, “I’m not wearing any knickers”
I said, “I’ll tell the boss I’m feeling sick”
She said, “So you can come home early and fcuk me?”
I said, “No, because now I’m feeling sick”
I was walking through the park last night and one guy threw sodium chloride on me and another covered me in sulphuric acid.
It was terrible. I didn’t know how to react.
THE WAR AGAINST TERRORISM….
God’s way of teaching geography to Americans!