New Jokes

My favorite adult store had a contest recently. The first prize was a ribbed rabbit vibrator and second place was a Hitachi Magic Wand.

They needed a catchy name for their remodeled female sex toy division.

Second place winner: Amanda xxx for “Toys for Twats”

First place Winner: Judy xxx for “Battery Operated Boyfriends.”

I have two friends, One is “Admin,” who writes most of the jokes here in the Joke Cafe.

Recently Admin said he saw himself naked in the mirror, and now his hand isn’t in the mood.

My other friend is my girlfriend.

This morning she saw herself in the mirror and now her Hitachi Magic Wand isn’t in the mood either.

My relationships with women have sucked ever since I began dating and picking up babes. I met this gal in a bar Tuesday night and took her back to my apartment.

I was getting ready to shag her and she started crying.

I said, “What’s wrong? Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?”

She said, “No, I hate myself now.”

I was tired of driving my old beater, so I stopped in to my local dealer.

The salesman showed me all the new models. No more station wagons, they are called SUVs. They had sub-compacts, intermediates, electric cars, hybrids… you name it, they had it.

I purchased a completely new model called a Pervertible. The top stays up and the driver goes down.

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Hot Jokes This Week

Phone Calls from Hell

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.
The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished, the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next, Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished, the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.

Finally, George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished, the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this, he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.
The devil smiles and replies, “Since Obama took over, the USA has gone to hell, so it’s a local call.”

This Week’s Headlines You may have missed: …

• Chicago Police Will Use Orange Chalk To Outline Bodies During The Week Before Halloween…
• One of 10,000 Monkeys Sitting At 10,000 Typewriters cranks out “The Quick Brown Foxegty[57klfd@t”…
• Prisoner Undergoes Colostomy Surgery After Dropping Soap In the Gang Shower…
• Slide Rule Manufacturer Begs For Government Subsidies to Stay in Business…
• Bull In Fitting Room Complains that Jerseys Aren’t Tight Enough…
• NBC Ponders New TV Series: “Airline Tragedies” A Pilot Is Being Put Together As I Write…
• Prostitute Installs Card Reader in Vulva; Johns Can Swipe their VISA or MasterCard Before Shagging…
• Attractive 3rd Grader Demands Russell Stover Dark Chocolates From Strangers…
• Olives Suffer Depression Because They Aren’t Ugly Enough to Make Extra Virgin Olive Oil…
• Beauty Mark on Model’s Face Leaves to Pursue a Solo Career…

Here is an exchange between a mother and son in a Section 8 household. (There are never any father – son exchanges in a Section 8 household because the fathers have long since disappeared.)

“Momma, what be ‘Socialism’?”

“Well, son, Socialism is when white folks go to work every day so we can get all our benefits, like free cell phones for each family member, rent subsidy, food stamps, EMC, free healthcare, utility subsidy, free computers and Internet connection, free food, free clothing, free gifts at Christmas, and on and on.

That be Socialism”.

“But Mama, don’t the white people get upset about that?”

“Sure they do son; that be called Racism!”

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