Latest Jokes


“My thoughts are with my young neighbour at this time.”

“Has there been an accident?”

“No, she’s just really hot.”


Every day I struggle between “I wanna look good naked” and “treat yourself.”


A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.


Chelsea have uncharacteristically started doing what cost them the Premier League title last season.

Dropping points against smaller teams.


I went to see a therapist.

I said, “I’m not sure if I’m a man or a woman.”

He said, “Right. Just pull your pants down for me.”

I said, “No.”

He said, “You’re a woman.”


My wife text me earlier while I was out shopping:

‘Pick something up for the little ones while you’re out love x’

So I bought her a bra.


Getting so many spam emails. “Grow Your Hair Back”…”Lose weight now” …”Enlarge your manhood”… Wait… these are from my wife.


My wife said to me, “I’m fed up with you being so lazy. Pack your bags and leave.”

I said, “You pack them.”


I didn’t see much of myself in my newborn daughter until I babysat her last night.

At feeding time I made up a bottle for her. She drank far too much, then burped, threw up and fell asleep.

Now I see the resemblance


Congratulations West Ham, the only club named after two things that ISIS hate.

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Hottest Jokes


So American Blacks think that the whites in the US have a negative stereotype view of them.

I don’t think mass arson and theft is really going to help…


I was telling my colleague at work that since my wife died I’ve lost so much weight.

“Missing the home cooking?” he sympathised.

“No,” I replied. “I just skip everywhere.”


Paddy and Murphy walking down the road.

Paddy finds a mirror, looks at it and says, “I’m sure I’ve seen this man before!” and then passes it to Murphy.

Murphy then says, “You stupid twat that’s me!”


When my daughter came home from school to find her pet rabbit missing she looked everywhere for it,

Eventually asking me, “Where can he be?”

” Maybe you should look somewhere where there might be carrots” I suggested

“That’s a good idea” she replied

“And peas, onions and gravy” I added as I dished up stew for dinner.


Apparently a Prep School in Ascot is requiring every under 12 student to buy an iPad instead of using textbooks.

That’s nothing.

In China they’re requiring every under 5 student to MAKE an iPad instead of using textbooks.


My boss asked me to work through my lunch break today.

I shouted, “You fcuking bastard! I come in at 8.30 and don’t get thanks for it, work till 6 at night and don’t get thanks for it, while lazy bastards like you leave at 2 just to play golf all fucking afternoon!”

Then I emailed him back and said, “Sure boss, no problem”


I can’t resist a bargain. So, when I saw that it was buy one box of tissues get two free at the supermarket I filled my trolley up.
Thinking about it now, I probably looked like a bit of a wanker.


“Now, how’s he gonna read that magazine all rolled up like that…?” thought the spider.

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