Funny Facebook Statuses

 

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  1. I used that classic Liam Neeson line from “Taken” today.. “I will find you, and I will kill you.” My niece didn’t want to play hide and seek anymore.
  2. I’m not a marketing expert. But if I was selling milk, the cartons would be tit shaped.
  3. I met this girl in a club last night, I think she’s a body builder. She just so happened to build hers using chips.
  4. Actor Orlando Bloom threw a punch at Justin Bieber last night during an argument at a night club in Spain. Orlando’s hand was pretty sore today, you know, from all the high-fives he got.
  5. Look I see that you love me and would kill for me, but this guy over here barely notices me and has a GF. I’ll play the odds. -Woman logic
  6. I love Summer. Two weeks of doing absolutely f*ck all. And, once my boss gets back, I get to go on holiday as well.
  7. Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
  8. I’m not saying it’s a bad idea to bring an Ebola patient to Atlanta, I’m saying everyone should leave Atlanta because I’ve seen this movie….
  9. “Everything you say can and will be used against you” should be included in marriage vows.
  10. I was at the pub the other day when the landlord walked up to me, handed me a phone and said, “It’s for you, sir” “Thanks mate,” I said, took it and walked away. What a generous lad.
  11. A company in India is releasing the first-ever “smart shoe” that connects with Google Maps to track your footsteps. “Merry Christmas,” said your wife.
  12. I was surprised to read that an African doctor treating Ebola patients had died from the disease. Surely he could have stayed a safe distance from the patient while he danced and waved his magic bone.
  13. Whenever I get a friend request Facebook should allow me free access to their wall and pics regardless of privacy settings so I can see who I’m dealing with cuz some of you f*ckers are so creepy your profile pic might as well be a white panel van.
  14. Saw a Mime doing his gig. I reached into my purse and pretended to throw money in his hat.
  15. I’m so thankful my childhood was filled with imagination and bruises from playing outside, instead of apps and how many likes you get on a picture.
  16. Taking my wife to a wife swapping party tonight… Hoping to get a PS4 in return.
  17. Ladies, they’re called “Skinny Jeans.” Not “Makes You Skinny Jeans.”
  18. Like if you believe in God. Remember he saw you reading this.
  19. I still remember when everyone wanted their phone to be smaller. Now that we can watch porn on them, everyone wants them bigger.
  20. I would go for a jog today, but it looks like all of these cupcakes expire today as well.
  21. Someone once told me, “GO FOR BROKE” !! I’m happy to report that I succeeded…
  22. The worst part of quitting drinking is how few excuses you have for your behaviour
  23. In order to get my teenagers attention I shut off the WiFi router and wait for them in the room it’s in.
  24. Raising ones leg and releasing a loud fart is a proper response for any man who doesn’t like his wife’s tone of voice.
  25. I love bacon because I can wrap it around everything. Essentially, it’s the duct tape of food.
  26. If your dog is fat it means that you don’t get enough exercise.
  27. Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
  28. I am proud to say that I have completed the 1st item on my bucket list… I got the bucket
  29. Dear Social Media, thanks for showing me that I can like people. So long as I don’t have to see, touch, or smell them.
  30. I was rejected at this job interview that I had. Apparently, “gang rape” is not a suitable example to prove that you are good at working in teams.
  31. You know you’re an ugly c*nt when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
  32. The best thing about being single is sleeping around. You can sleep all over that lonely bed of yours. Left, right, middle, whatever.
  33. Dear Life…Would you at least start using lubricant….
  34. I’m going to carry on drinking, smoking, and having unprotected sex. Recent figures show that you are more likely to die in a plane crash.
  35. Malaysia Airlines passengers have recently been asked about their flight experience; 5% said they were satisfied. 10% said they were extremely satisfied and 85% said they were blown away.
  36. Itís sad when a girl breaks up and changes back to her ìI need attentionî Facebook picture.
  37. Should have never gave my cat a lemon, now heís walking around like a sour puss.
  38. I’m glad they finally made waterproof phones. Pushing friends into the pool is funny.
  39. Political views are like children. Some people donít have one or want one. Others keep trying to show theirs off.
  40. Life Pro Tip: Putting your phone in airplane mode will stop ads while you play.
  41. There’s a lot of speculation about the new iPhone. It’s expected to have a larger screen and a better operating system. Yes, the new iPhone will be called last year’s Samsung Galaxy.
  42. The Commonwealth Games: An excuse NOT to invite Russia, China and the USA.
  43. The Commonwealth Games: For when you can’t win an Olympic medal.
  44. An African athlete has been banned from the Commonwealth Games after testing positive to a ‘performance enhancing substance.’ ….Food.
  45. I was watching the men’s hockey at the commonwealth games today, I was thinking it must be a very dangerous game to play, I mean half the Indian team were running around with bandages on their heads
  46. This girl just posted a status on Facebook which said:”F*CKING PHONE!!!!!!!!!” Apparently, “Can I watch?” is not an appropriate reply.
  47. Commonwealth Games: Building unrealistic goals and dreams for British athletes going to the olympics since 1930.
  48. Queen Elizabeth’s horse tested positive for morphine and a mix of other powerful drugs. Sources say the queen is in denial. She thinks someone confused her horse’s urine sample with Prince Harry’s.
  49. My girlfriend went to get her test results from the doctor today and it was bad news. He confirmed I’m about to become a husband.
  50. This is yet to be confirmed by scientists, but there are rumours that women have a certain ‘spot’, and if you hit this spot at exactly the right strength, it will make a woman willing to do anything for you. It’s called the face.
  51. Went to the opticians today leaving with them telling me my eye sight is better than 20/20. So when I say you look like a C*NT, i think i know what i’m talking about.
  52. Happy birthday to England’s Prince George, who turns 1 today. The prince’s first birthday party was a little different. His bouncy castle was an actual castle. And the pony rides were on Camilla.
  53. I just read about this student at MIT who’s created a new robot that can play Connect Four. Yes, an emotionless machine that can occasionally sit down and play a board game with you, or as I called that growing up — my Dad.
  54. It’s called instant messaging for a reason. ..if I wanted to wait a week for a reply, I’d of sent a bloody letter
  55. Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders… * How I learned this rule is not important.
  56. I never sign anything until I pretend to read it first..
  57. I entered what I ate for lunch into my calorie counting app and it uninstalled itself.
  58. Glad to live in a time where being social doesn’t require making eye contact.
  59. Sleeping in could easily be my superpower. If not for my arch-nemesis, having to pee.
  60. “Does my bum look big in this dress?” my wife asked this morning. I said “No, but the dress does look quite small on your arse”.
  61. I was walking past the supermarket when I saw a sign saying, “All items: a third off.” I bought a dozen eggs but unfortunately 4 of them were bad.
  62. I read in the news today that a man in Los Angeles was killed when he got caught up in a turf war. I wonder if he was mowed down?
  63. “Star Wars” fans are very upset that the story line of the upcoming new “Star Wars” movie has been leaked. Apparently the movie starts with R2-D2, Chewbacca, and Han Solo all waking up in Vegas.
  64. Posting a status update before responding to someone’s text is the easiest way to let them know how unimportant they are.
  65. According to a recent study 52% of women have used vibrators….I’m guessing the other 48% have new ones?
  66. If guys were smart, they’d forget the nightclubs and watch the supermarket for girls who buy frozen dinners and cat food.
  67. 1969: America winning space race with the Russians 2014: America keeping up with the Kardashians.
  68. Every timeI see a mattress tied to the top of a car, I think….there’s another prostitute making a house call……
  69. If you see someone crying, ask them if it is because of their haircut.
  70. “Can we talk tomorrow?” is my way of saying “I’ll try to do a better job of avoiding you tomorrow?”
  71. I cracked two jokes earlier about Malaysian Airways. The first got no response and the second crashed and burned.
  72. A pine tree planted in 2004 in memory of former Beatle George Harrison in a Los Angeles park has died after being infested by beetles.
  73. I ought to start doing more with my weekends than just sit at home drinking beer, jacking off to porno mags and playing minesweeper. I do enough of those things at work.
  74. A hot girl in front of me at the self service checkout today left her purse on the side, so I did the right thing and called her back. “Excuse me” I said. “Would you like to go out for dinner tonight? My treat”.
  75. I have come up with a truly fantastic business idea for Malaysia Airlines. A new slogan! “Leaving on a jet plane, don’t know if I’ll be back again.”
  76. Best of luck to Steven Gerrard, who’s retired from not winning the World Cup to concentrate on not winning the Premier League.
  77. My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I’d go to hell for.
  78. 50 notifications later and I regret commenting on your status.
  79. There’s no more dangerous entity on earth than a woman with a lot on her mind and nothing to do but think.
  80. My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
  81. You would have thought that someone would have invented hindsight sooner.
  82. If you’re anxious and you know it…Clasp your hands.
  83. I had 2 big surprises today. The first one was that the Thai massage centre at the bottom of my road is actually a brothel…
  84. The word ”Fat” just looks like someone took a bite out of the word ”Eat”.
  85. ‘Love’ is picking up tampons at the supermarket for your girlfriend. ‘True love’ is inserting them.
  86. My wife asked me recently to do something to commemorate our pet dog who got run over and killed last month. So I took a shit on the carpet.
  87. My girlfriend told me I need to show a little more interest in her family. So I f*cked her sister.
  88. This Facebook is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
  89. Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed. And it was great
  90. Next time you are in a restaurant, give this a thought. The fork you are using has been in the mouth of hundreds of people. Now look at the people eating right by you. Scary, right?
  91. You’re never too old to learn stupid siht…
  92. I love how people say they’re “expecting” a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin or a lawnmower.
  93. Apparently the Royal Family is running out of money. They’re down to just £26.5 million …Which is what happens when nobody in your family has had a job for the last thousand years.
  94. Marvel announce the new Thor is female, to show that women are equal. Issue 1 sees Thor return the hammer back to her husband’s toolbox.
  95. So, Thor is going to be female from now on. I bet Chris Hemsworth wishes he’d paid more attention to the small print when signing that Avengers contract
  96. The sound of thunder is no longer Thor’s hammer. It’s a pissed-off Lady-Thor stomping round Asgard and noisily filling the dishwasher while she waits for someone to ask her what’s wrong…
  97. Marvel have announced Thor is set to become a woman. New super powers include being judgmental, temperamental and unreasonable.
  98. What do you call a woman with big tits who doesn’t make sandwiches? A compromise.
  99. Jose Mourinhio – The Special One……. David Moyes – The Chosen One….. Fellipe Scholari – Seven One.
  100. Pistorius…..Sounds like something Harry Potter would say to make your legs fall off.
  101. The only thing I can fix in this world tonight is another drink.
  102. Facebook, Pinterest and Instagram have taught us that for every giant technological leap ahead, we will find a way to use it for dumb shit.
  103. Why do parents feel the need to hold your phone when you show them a picture?
  104. “I wish there was a more convenient way to stalk others”- The phrase that started Facebook.
  105. The awkward moment when you’re wearing Nike’s and can’t do it.
  106. I hear they designed the newest iPhone to fit perfectly in your hand, right where your money used to be.
  107. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy
  108. Just modified my GPS for when my kids are in the car. It says “No, we are not there yet!” every 30 seconds.
  109. According to a dating app, Amazon employees are more desirable than employees at other tech companies. Plus, if you sleep with one, they will recommend someone else you might also like.
  110. Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
  111. Disappointment usually stems from expecting too much from strangers on Facebook.
  112. I get carried away sometimes… Usually because I refuse to leave.
  113. I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
  114. Starting a dating site for old farts like me calling it carbon dating.
  115. I CAN’T STAND BLACK GIRLS WITH BLONDE HAIR . LOOKING LIKE A DAMN DURACELL BATTERY
  116. Anal bleaching; because you never get a second chance to make a first impression.
  117. After a klose game with messi challenges and neuer goal scoring opportunities, ze Germans kept their cool and gotze World Cup that they deserved! 
  118. Justin Bieber will be charged in Los Angeles about an egg-throwing incident in January which damaged a neighbour’s home. The judge said it was the most pointless use of an egg since the fertilization of Justin Bieber.
  119. Me + Bed + Pillow = Best threesome ever.
  120. Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
  121. When dealing with women, you can either be right or get laid. You can’t have both.
  122. Only if these women were as thorough in choosing a man as they are in choosing which selfies to upload on Facebook maybe they wouldn’t get heartbroken so often.
  123. When a woman says, “I’m NOT crazy” *clapping her palms together per syllable* That’s universal for, “You’re going to die.”
  124. Ladies, when it comes to stalking, I’m 100% behind you.
  125. Scientists are close to re-enacting The Big Bang theory. Hope its got another hot blonde with nice tits in it.
  126. Sorry I pissed you off, but I find you much more entertaining this way.
  127. Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
  128. “No comment” – said no woman, ever
  129. According to a new report from BP, the earth will run out of oil in 53 years. Luckily, thanks to BP, the ocean will still have plenty…
  130. My road to success is under construction and all the workers are out getting drunk.
  131. With the Germany – Argentina final on the way, we will finally know which one of the two Popes is God’s favourite.
  132. When I was 15, the headmaster called me into his office and informed me that he had decided to make me Head Boy.I was really chuffed for about 10 seconds, then he started to unzip his trousers
  133. This morning some fit blonde asked for my seat on the bus so I replied, “There’s no chance in hell I’m getting up love.” “Why, is it because I’m not pregnant?” “No love, it’s because this is a wheelchair.”
  134. Like many people, I had no idea what to do after I left school. But after thinking about it for a while, I decided to go home.
  135. Why is Arjen Robben not being invited to Alfredo Di Stefanos funeral? They’re scared he’ll try to dive in the box.
  136. The wife and I were lying in bed this morning when she said, “I think the romance in this relationship is dead.” I wish she wouldn’t talk to me while I’m having a wank.
  137. Five years ago my boss asked me where I wanted to be in five years. I finally know the answer: Not Here
  138. If you cloned yourself, and then you become attracted to yourself and ended up having sex with your clone…does that make you gay, or are you just on the forefront of masturbation technology?
  139. I like to jump onto people’s backs as an unexpected piggy back. but sometimes I get carried away
  140. Went to one of those cheap all you can eat Chinese restaurants last night and had to make a complaint to the waitress. “Excuse me, this chicken tastes really rubbery…” I said. “Ahhhh thank you very much, I get you some more!” She said.
  141. You always know when your girlfriend is too young for you, when you have to make the aeroplane noise when you stick your d*ck in her mouth!
  142. If you want to feel rich, just count the things you have that money can’t buy.
  143. “Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
  144. Dude, she just liked my status, she totally wants me.
  145. A new rumor has surfaced that the next iPhone will feature an all-glass exterior. Because why should just the front be cracked?
  146. I just kicked a can in my driveway and somehow ended up with a goal against Brazil.
  147. I was sitting watching Germany V Brazil in the World Cup Semi final when the Germans went 7-0 up…I said, “F*cking hell! You’d think the Germans would take their foot off the gas…” My Grandad just laughed.
  148. A great tribute from the Brazil team to Neymar. He couldn’t play so the rest of the players decided not to either.
  149. What’s the difference between Brazil and Oscar Pistorious? Oscar Pistorious has a better defence and more shots on Target
  150. England can’t win anything. Brazil took away their top spot of Most Embarrassing team.
  151. I haven’t seen David Luiz this upset since Bart and Lisa got him sent to prison.
  152. I haven’t seen a Brazilian as bad as Fred since Stevie Wonder shaved his wife’s p***y
  153. I would suggest that Brazil build a bridge and get over it… but given their record….
  154. BREAKING: John Terry spotted changing into his full German kit.
  155. My German wife has just had a Brazilian. It was a Klose shave.
  156. Breaking News : Fulham have signed Brazil forward Fred to replace the Michael Jackson Statue outside of the ground.
  157. I haven’t seen anyone in a yellow jersey this disgraced since Lance Armstrong.
  158. 24 men sucked off in Magaluf. 11 f*cked in Belo Horizonte.
  159. That’s 49 -7 in dog goals.
  160. Let’s face it, it’s not the first time Germany’s sent a bunch of blokes to the showers in tears.
  161. I guess that is what a Brazilian wax feels like.
  162. Feel sorry for Julio Cesar tonight. Last time I saw a Brazilian facing this many shots he was jumping a ticket barrier at Stockwell.
  163. I regret every fart I ever held in for you.
  164. My Blonde wife just said to me “Do men call it a penis ’cause it pees and goes in us?”
  165. When you’re a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them.
  166. Today was the annual Running of the Bulls in Spain. So if you’re sick of all the fake injuries at the World Cup, get ready for some real ones.
  167. An 81-year-old woman in the U.K. went sky diving to help raise money for a local hospital. They didn’t raise a lot of money, but they did get a new patient
  168. I just saw two blind and deaf lesbians walking down the street with their hands down one anothers knickers…..I think they were lip reading?
  169. My wife’s a ventriloquist, which means she has the ability to complain about having to give me a blowjob whilst actually giving me a blowjob.
  170. People have put Kim and Kanye’s names together to get, ‘Kimye’….I think a more accurate name would be…..Slunt.
  171. Man: ILYWoman: Awww write the words in full they mean more when theyre written properlyMan: Im leaving you
  172. Granny knot, surgeon’s knot, hangman’s knot, square knot. I can’t do them, but my headphones sure fucking can.
  173. I had no idea time zones were so far apart…Just landed in China and it’s fucking New Year apparently.
  174. All I want to know is, what idiot named it a zipper…And not a penis flytrap?
  175. I got a tattoo in the bald spot on top of my head that reads “let go of my ears lady, I know what I’m doing”
  176. “I wish you would stop staring at my breasts. ” said the barmaid, “you’re making me uncomfortable. ” “Uncomfortable?” I replied, “you want to try sitting on one of these stools with an hard on. “
  177. They say that money can’t buy you happiness, but being broke buys you nothing…
  178. Priests, TV personalities and now MPs guilty of bum fidderling no wonder us children of the 70/80s bang on about playing outside all day…who the f*ck would have wanted to go indoors
  179. My first mistake was thinking she couldn’t hit a moving target.
  180. Too many people complain about their looks, but not nearly enough complain about their brains.
  181. Alone floating on a raft in the pool. Asked the neighbor to call my home phone and ask someone to bring me a beer. Work smarter not harder.
  182. I just did my budget for August. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper. I think I’m on to something here.
  183. It’s a do or dive for Robben as Netherlands play Argentina in the semifinals.
  184. The average strokes per game at Wimbledon is 15, unless Maria Sharapova is playing then it is considerably higher…
  185. Everyone is complaining that the Men’s Wimbledon final took 4 and half hours and the women’s took just 51 minutes. So why should women get equal pay….Well it did take them 4 hours before just to get ready.
  186. Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
  187. Kiefer Sutherland is filming next season of ’24′ in Magaluf. The main villain will be an 18 year old blowing 24 victims up.
  188. I once went to an open air Queen concert. There was a terrible electrical storm during the performance. Thunderbolts and lightning. Very, very frightening.
  189. Arjen Robben goes down easier than a thirsty tourist in Magaluf.
  190. I’m so glad I was young and stupid before there were camera phones.
  191. I have to admit my heart broke a little when I heard the lady at Starbucks call the guy in line behind me “sweetie” too.
  192. My wife treats me like a God…She takes very little notice of my existence until she wants something.
  193. Near my house lives a really hot deaf girl. I often see her walking her dog while I’m out walking mine. Wanting to start a conversation, I started learning sign language. I tried to learn ‘You are beautiful and I’d love to take you out for dinner.’ That was really hard, so I trained my dog to shag hers and I just pointed.
  194. I’ve just broke up with my girlfriend. “It’s not you,” I said. “It’s me: I hate you.”
  195. I got pulled over by a female police officer.When i rolled down my window to ask what was wrong,she said…”NOTHING!”
  196. No thanks, Party Casino; if I wanted to gamble when watching porn, I’d start the video with the volume on full and my door wide open.
  197. I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
  198. Psychologists who have examined Oscar Pistorius say that he is at risk of suicide. Especially if he confuses himself with a burglar.
  199. An Indian man on his death bed. “Sanjita, my wife, are you here?” “Yes, my husband.””My son and daughter, are you here?” “Yes, Papa.””Then who’s in the fucking shop?”
  200. Katie Price and Kerry Katona have both got books coming out this month…which could plunge the U.K. into a huge crayon shortage.
  201. My girlfriend wanted me to show her a good time, so I showed her pictures of me before we met.
  202. My mind is exceptionally quiet…. I am suspicious that I am up to something I don’t want myself to know about.
  203. Did you know you are supposed to pull anal beads out slowly? I didn’t… I started the wife up like a f*cking chainsaw.
  204. My African Neighbour just accused me of being racist.I said, ” F*ck Off, I’ve got a coloured TV “.
  205. PLEASE NOTE…The charity event tonight for men that can not ejaculate as been cancelled. . There’s just not enough people coming
  206. I really want to make a joke about Luis Suarez but I don’t want to upset Liverpool fans.F*ck it. Why is Luis Suarez a c*nt? Because he lives in Liverpool.
  207. I tell all the girls I chat to that I last ages in bed. It sounds better than telling them I’m on the dole, and don’t get up until lunchtime.
  208. I don’t want to brag but unlike most men I need both hands for a wank . One for the magnifying glass and one for the tweezers.
  209. Tomorrow France plays Germany… Their defense will try to last 90 minutes and beat their World War 2 record…
  210. If someone says you’re a nice person, these things will happen: 1) They will ask you for a favor. 2) You will not get laid.
  211. My girlfriend called me lazy the other day. I almost responded.
  212. No relationship is perfect so you might as well pick the perfect person you want to go through hell with
  213. How to win an argument. 1. Have a vagina. 2. That’s it. 3. You win. 4. Congratulations.
  214. You’ll end up real disappointed if you grow up thinking everyone has the same heart as you do.
  215. I am not the same person at 8am and 8pm.
  216. We can only be friends if you are kind of a bitch. Not a full blown bitch, because that’s no fun. And if you’re not a bitch at all, that won’t work either. A halfway bitch. Those are my kind of people.
  217. “You only want my daughter for one thing!” yelled my girlfriend’s mother. “That’s your fault for not teaching her to cook,” I said.
  218. Called a plumber out the other day. He was Chinese. Called a builder, he was also Chinese. Called an electrician out. He was Chinese as well ! Bloody Yellow Pages
  219. Do you ever play a song and then realise you were too distracted to appreciate the beauty of the song so you replay it?
  220. My Grandad woke up with a puzzled look on his face. The daft b*stard had fallen asleep on his jigsaw.
  221. Barbie has an awful lot of things for a girl who’s knees don’t bend.
  222. Tim Howard has been America’s best goalkeeper since Sylvester Stallone in 1945.
  223. Last week I walked up to Wayne Rooney at the airport and said,”How about an autograph mate?” “Sure.” He replied. So I signed a photo print of myself and gave it to him.
  224. I just updated my Facebook status as – “Gonna chill in the garden with a few beers :).” My boss commented – “I thought you were sick? Lying about your health is against company policy and is a very serious matter.” I replied – “And so is using the work’s internet to go on social networking sites.”
  225. A Japanese company upset Americans by selling clothes labeled Skinny, Fat and Jumbo. They have since changed them to Large, Extra Large and American.
  226. Rafael Nadal got done by an Australian teenager today at Wimbledon. Rolf Harris is having raging fits of jealousy.
  227. With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
  228. Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
  229. The awkward moment when you remember something but you don’t know if it was real or just a dream.
  230. Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
  231. My friend asked “What do blind people think about when they masturbate?” I’d be willing to bet that it is something along the lines of  “Who the f*ck is watching me”
  232. Have you heard about the new line of Tampax with bells and tinsel? It’s for the Christmas period.
  233. I’m so good at making Chinese food, I can do it with my eyes closed.
  234. After extensive investigations and many phone calls, the police found that, despite the fact that I’m black, I’ve got a good job, no criminal record and I own the BMW I was driving. So they arrested me for wasting police time.
  235. I had my work appraisal yesterday. The boss said, “There is no I in team.” To which I replied, “But there is a U in cu*t.”
  236. I told my Boyfriend; “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get six!” A short time later he comes back with six cartons of milk. I asked him, “Why the hell did you buy six cartons of milk?” He replied, “They had eggs.”
  237. If someone gossips to you, you can bet they also gossip about you…
  238. My gf won’t get the remote that’s in the other room, but if my wallet was at the bottom of an ocean she’d be shopping already.
  239. Why is it socially acceptable to wear a bikini at the beach but not on the bus? At the end of the day I’m just a guy in a bikini on the bus.
  240. I accidentally touched my wife’s boob and she didn’t recoil in disgust so things are looking up.
  241. You never realize how much you love sleeping until you have to wake up in the morning.
  242. I’ve seen homeless guys who keep their boxes in better shape than some girls keep theirs.
  243. It’s a damn shame when a man works hard all week then comes home for dinner and relaxation but has to work extra hard to get love and appreciation from his woman.
  244. I don’t mind going to work. It’s that eight-hour wait to go home that bugs me.
  245. Why is it called necrophilia and not sexual intercorpse
  246. I am all for self-belief, self-worth, self-esteem but a woman declaring herself hot and complementing herself on her own beauty smacks of serious desperation, delusion and self-conceit.
  247. Two young Indian women have designed the world’s first ‘anti-rape’ jeans, which send a distress signal to the local police station when a button is pressed. Great idea, but with just one minor flaw; the police in India are more likely to show up and join in.
  248. They say when a man meets the right woman, he is complete. When a man meets the wrong woman is finished. When the right woman meets the wrong woman with the man, he is completely finished.
  249. I tried to propose to my girlfriend from Thailand today but it went wrong. As soon as i got down on one knee she started undoing her skirt
  250. I think some people just log into Facebook just to send me game requests.
  251. So impolite of people to sneak up on you while you’re talking shit about them.
  252. The World Cup has an official song. The official anthem is “We Will Find a Way.” It narrowly beat out the other contender, “I Feel Someone’s Teeth in My Shoulder.”
  253. England was knocked out of the World Cup. It’s the most English people wiped out at one time since the last episode of “Game of Thrones.”
  254. I finally found a diet plan that works. It’s called “The cost of food”.
  255. President Obama says his daughters need minimum wage jobs to “learn what it means to work.” May I suggest the same for members of Congress?
  256. Relationship status: LOL
  257. I give movies with 2 stars a 5 on Netflix because if I sat through this piece of sh!t, I want you to as well.
  258. My brother just updated his status to “I love my girlfriend <3″. I always knew he liked them young, but that is f*cking ridiculous.
  259. A recent survey has shown that 50% of all newlyweds want to try anal sex. Or to put it another way, 100% of grooms.
  260. “UK Students Die In Safari Crash” I bet they wished they’d just stuck with Internet Explorer now.
  261. BBC News: Two pedestrians die in collision. Fuck, how fast must they have been walking?
  262. You know it was a good shit when you come back and your screensaver is on.
  263. Messi carrying Argentina. Neymar carrying Brazil. British Airways carrying England
  264. The cast of “Game of Thrones” had a very special visitor — Queen Elizabeth. A lot of the Royals on “Game of Thrones” get offed. It leads me to believe this visit was arranged by Prince Charles.
  265. Want to watch a nerd have a melt down? Tell him that you just bought an Android Ipad.
  266. Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn’t make the cut.
  267. Self esteem so low, you crop yourself out of your selfie.
  268. Columbia have already begun their preparations for the upcoming match against Uruguay. The entire squad are set to have tetanus and rabies jabs.
  269. There’s a new channel called DOG TV that offers 24 hours of programming to entertain dogs while their owners are gone. My dog doesn’t want to watch TV – I just got him an iPad.
  270. Luis Suarez is to appear in the next Star Wars film. He’ll play Chewbacca’s brother, Chewshoulder.
  271. Luis Suarez is teaming up with Joe Hart to advertise Head and bloody Shoulders.
  272. After a tie with Portugal in the World Cup, the U.S. soccer team now faces Germany on Thursday. And if the U.S. team beats Germany, they advance. If they lose, Americans go back to hating soccer again.
  273. My wife is a big Tennis fan and was telling me how distracting she finds the constant grunting noises during the women’s matches. I have promised her I will stop.
  274. Luis Suarez has confessed he had planned on biting Wayne Rooney. However,he also said he doesn’t like the taste of shit.
  275. Just saw a pensioner do a tribute to the England team. Yep she got off the bus look abit confused and then got back on went home.
  276. If you’re a Liverpool Fan you are currently doing one of these three things: 1) Defending Gerrard 2) Defending Suarez 3) Kissing your sister
  277. I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
  278. Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse, is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better!
  279. I’m going to change my name to Benny Fitz…so when people add me on Facebook, it will say;..You are now friends with Benny Fitz.
  280. I like to hangout with people that make me forget to look at my phone.
  281. Computer technology used to be a lot tougher. Back when I was a teenager, mice had balls.
  282. Marriage. When dating goes too far.
  283. Michael Schumacher has spoken out about global warming, in a statement he said “Things are getting pretty bad, just yesterday I was skiing and when I woke up this morning it was summer”
  284. A new study says Facebook users can be affected by the mood of their friends. For example, if your friend is depressed on Facebook, you’ll be depressed. And if they’re really happy on Facebook, you’ll be even more depressed.
  285. Queen Elizabeth is planning to visit the set of “Game of Thrones” next week. She said things are hard to keep track of because everyone keeps dying. And then Prince Charles said, “Not everyone.”
  286. I’m confused. Celebrity comedians are paid millions of dollars… Yet the funniest people on the internet are janitors and stay-at-home moms.
  287. If a girl texts you back ”k” check all your previous messages to see where you fu*ked up.
  288. Ever accidentally throw something away and then later realize you actually needed it? I did this with my life.
  289. Me: Are you a dealer? Him: Obviously. Me: I want cocaine. Him: For the last time, place a bet or leave the casino.
  290. Chivalry is so not dead. Most guys ask where you want it when they cum.
  291. Hey, parents. Stop raising children and start raising adults.
  292. Dear time, more weekend please.
  293. When your momma taught you to look both ways she didn’t mean be two faced.
  294. In my day, you actually had to leave your house to be a whore. Thanks, internet.
  295. I’m glad you spent $80 on makeup to look like a $5 whore. Well done
  296. Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.
  297. I refuse to jump on the ‘I hate Mondays’ bandwagon. I hate all workdays equally
  298. Which came first. . . social media or dumb people? AND which is worse. . . the overdoing of selfies OR not knowing how to use the English language?
  299. I was called a sexist today … I said, I think you’re mistaken …its pronounced sexy.
  300. I’ve yet to be intimidated by a fancy wine list thanks to my vast knowledge of fine wines and my eeny, meeny, miny, moe system.
  301. Let me be clear, I don’t want to die alone. However I want to be left completely alone until that moment.
  302. I’m opening a bar called The Office. You’re welcome guys. “Be home soon sweetie, I’m at The Office”
  303. When people say they work like a dog, I look at mine and think they must mean they just lay around all day and poop wherever they feel like.
  304. Looks like it’s time to start pretending Andy Murray isn’t Scottish again…
  305. “I don’t really know my best position. left, right or center” “Wayne, just get on the fcuking plane and pick an aisle will you.”
  306. I want someone to look at me the way I look at the waiter when he brings my meal.
  307. The England squad have been receiving death threats and this morning they awoke to find a horses head. Fortuneatly, it was only Wayne Rooney asleep.
  308. Since It’s summer here’s a little advice, best way to beat the heat is to wear a San Antonio Spurs jersey
  309. Any room can be a panic room if she tells you “we need to talk”
  310. I can’t wait to meet that special someone who will eventually ignore me.
  311. Sexually rubbing the wall until you find the light switch.
  312. Spain are blaming their loss this evening on the weather. Apparently it was 2 Chile.
  313. I once donated a pint of blood and the doctors were quite greatful. They said it contained enough alcohol to sterilize their equipment.
  314. What’s got two wings, a tail and twenty five pricks? England’s return flight.
  315. Due tomorrow, do tomorrow.
  316. Google introduced a new smartphone alarm that can wake users up on the subway so they don’t miss their stop. As opposed to the alarm they use now: getting elbowed by the stranger they’re drooling on.
  317. A woman in Massachusetts recently had twin boys who were born 24 days apart. It got weird when the second baby was born. The second twin said, “I guess I should have downloaded that alarm that wakes me up when it’s my stop.”
  318. Ask yourself what you would do for one more day with the ones you’ve lost and then do those things for the ones you still have.
  319. Sometimes it is best not to talk unless you can improve on the silence.
  320. 7 million people watched the “Game of Thrones” season finale. Seven million people. That’s one viewer for each “Game of Thrones” character.
  321. News: Coleen Rooney has flown out to Brazil with her two sons to be with Wayne until England’s World Cup campaign is over. That’s nice – bit far to go for a weekend though if you ask me.
  322. I’ve decided never to buy anything off the Internet again, after getting conned last week. I ordered what was supposed to be the world’s largest cardboard box, but the one it came in was bigger.
  323. I lost my virginity to a retarded girl last night… I wanted my first time to be special.
  324. It’s such a beautiful day I had to open the window while I watched TV.
  325. Tuesday, aka Monday 2.0
  326. Let me drink about it and get back to you.
  327. I’m going back to sleep. I refuse to give up on my dreams that easily.
  328. Guy: Hey I want to be part of you girl.  Girl: sorry, I already have an asshole!
  329. Game of Thrones characters should have to wear jerseys with their names on the back
  330. I don’t know what’s happening in this country. You’ve got school children dressing like whores and whores dressing like school children. It’s a nightmare – you don’t know whether to carry sweets or money.
  331. I see that in the US they’re complaining about halal meat. They want their meat to be killed the American way… but, honestly, what are the chances of a cow enrolling in high school and being shot by a classmate?
  332. This girl told me that she wouldn’t sleep with me if I was the last person on Earth. If I was the last person on Earth, she wouldn’t have a choice in the matter.
  333. A ball boy has been sacked from the world cup after saying to Wayne Rooney, “You can fuck off if you think I’m going looking for that one. “
  334. My daughter has reached that age where she is asking embarrassing questions about sex. Just this morning she asked, “Is that the best you can do?”
  335. My best mate is entering the X-Factor this year and I wanted to give him all the help and support I can. So I killed his mum.
  336. I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted, “Oi, what’s your disability?” I said, “Tourettes! Now fuck off you c*nt!”
  337. I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today. Unfortunately, it’s only for victims.
  338. A genius would have put Kevin Bacon in Grease.
  339. Just been to my first Muslim birthday party. The musical chairs was a bit slow, but fcuk me the pass the parcel was quick!
  340. Police have finally admitted they got it wrong in the shooting of Jean Charles de Menez. It was his naughty brother Dennis they were after.
  341. I had a really funny joke, but autocorrect ruined the lunchtime.
  342. If running on a treadmill was the only way to recharge our phones we would be the healthiest mofos on the planet.
  343. When I drink alcohol.. everyone says I’m alcoholic. But.. When I drink Fanta.. no one says I’m fantastic.
  344. People are saying that the Kardashians think Khloe’s new boyfriend doesn’t love her. They think he’s simply using her to be famous or as they put it, “Welcome to the family.”
  345. No thermostat is as effective at regulating temperature as sticking a foot out from under the bed covers.
  346. I watched Americas Got Talent for 15 minutes and I beg to differ.
  347. Being all talk and no action sounds relaxing.
  348. Been reading up on the thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.
  349. My wife was reading the paper and said, “Tut tut, that’s terrible. Another woman in India has been gang-raped and hung.”I replied, “Actually it’s ‘hanged’.  In India, women are hanged. In Thailand, women are hung.”
  350. My phone bill was huge this month. A couple of weeks ago I rang in sick for my wife and her boss asked me what was wrong with her.
  351. It’s a good thing Maradona isn’t still playing. Who knows what he’d do when the ref sprays that white line on the pitch.
  352. England are to have a new captain next week. His name is Roger Smith and he’s the pilot for the flight home.
  353. Never trust a married guys opinion of who’s hot. It’s like asking a starving guy what food tastes good.
  354. I asked Roy Hodgson if he would consider 4-4-2 next week. He said, “No, we’ll probably go 7-4-7 – it’s wider and offers more leg room.”
  355. “Game of Thrones” author George R. R. Martin joined Twitter this week. He already has 80,000 followers — and that’s just the cast of “Game of Thrones.”
  356. Roy Hodgson has told the England squad that they’ll have to tighten their belts next week. He also added that they should not remove them until the “fasten seat belt” sign goes out.
  357. World Cup Soccer? If I wanted to watch someone struggle to score for 90 minutes, I’d go watch some of my single friends at the bar.
  358. Roy Hodgson has some really important decisions to make now. Like if he wants a window or aisle seat.
  359. The Russians will probably do well at the World Cup. Today Vladimir Putin gave the Russian team a motivational speech. He said, “Remember, if you can’t beat ‘em — invade ‘em.”
  360. The U.S. is scheduled to play Germany soon at the World Cup. President Obama and German Chancellor Angela Merkel already have a bet going. The loser keeps Hasselhoff.
  361. Sleep is like sex, you never get enough of it and sometimes it feels like it never happened at all.
  362. Scientists have created a mutant version of the deadly 1918 Spanish flu virus in an effort to better understand how pandemics start. I’m not a scientist, but this is how pandemics start.
  363. According to a new study, the number of car crashes linked to marijuana has risen. Fortunately, when the cars crashed they were all going eight miles per hour.
  364. Sometimes a person is completely out of the picture but you just can’t let go of the frame.
  365. I hate when I’m set on running a yellow light and the person in front of me chickens out.
  366. My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
  367. Just wrapped up a great Father’s Day with a phone call with my Dad. He taught me everything I know about fishing, grilling,and fixing things. He also taught me what to say and how to say it if I stub my toe or hit my thumb with a hammer. Thanks Dad!
  368. The England team visited an orphanage in Brazil today. “It’s heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope” said Jose, age 6.
  369. Asked my wife if she would be my friend on FB again, she said no. She said my “funny” status updates are annoying. Therefore, I must conclude she loves me for my body…
  370. The worst thing you can do to a woman is to not let her see the picture you just took of her.
  371. TEXTATIONSHIP: a person that texts you all the time but never makes an effort to see you.
  372. I’ve even started lying about my age on the treadmill at the gym.
  373. Success, like a fart, only bothers people when its not their own.
  374. How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
  375. A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide. The librarian says, “Fuck off, you won’t bring it back.”
  376. Life is like a bowl of soup. You only get blown if you’re hot.
  377. A guy in New York is selling the world’s largest video game collection, which includes 11,000 games. He doesn’t really want to sell it, but he needs some way to pay for the divorce.
  378. Sometimes, the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
  379. The problem with money is that too much of it belongs to people who aren’t me.
  380. I forgot to pay my bill to the exorcist and so I got re-possesed.
  381. “It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
  382. I hate it when TV shows say they contain “adult situations” but then don’t show anyone going to a job they hate, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid’s vomit.
  383. I party until the taxi with the pretty red and blue lights picks me up.
  384. OMG! I went shopping because I needed a skirt and these earings were on special so I bought four new pairs of shoes!
  385. And in the news today, Justin Bieber has yet to be shot in a drive by. . .
  386. A women can only run as fast as her boobs will allow her.
  387. No YouP0rn… I do not want to play poker, I’m at work for crying out loud.
  388. Why I don’t like people: 1% logical reasons. 99% just because.
  389. The problem with this generation boils down to this one thing: Their cartoons suck.
  390. When I die, I’d like the word ‘Humble’ to be written. …….on my statue.
  391. Disappointed to learn that ‘landlady’ isn’t the opposite of a mermaid.
  392. Love becomes weak if it is not strengthened by truth. Truth becomes hard if it is not softened by love.
  393. So many good trailers; so few good movies.
  394. “Edge of Tomorrow” is about a guy who’s forced to relive the same thing over and over and over again, day after day after day. I can’t relate at all.
  395. A lot of women can’t drive because they’re too busy giving mixed signals.
  396. Of all the stupid things the church makes people believe, leading everyone to believe they can and should sing is the absolute worst.
  397. I now know I’m getting old. I was watching some porn the other day and thought to myself wow that’s a nice bed.
  398. Kids today will never appreciate how difficult it used to be finding pictures of naked people.
  399. I need a new bad decision.
  400. Does it count as necrophilia if she’s just dead inside?
  401. One of these days the love of your life will walk right past you and you’re gonna be staring at your phone posting a status about how lonely you feel.
  402. That awkward moment where you don’t know if you’re in a relationship or not.
  403. Kim Kardashian wore white at her wedding. That’s it. That’s the joke.
  404. I guess it’s time to face the reality that I just do not want to rock and roll all night. Nor do I wish to party eva-ree day.
  405. There’s a Bullying Support Group meeting, tomorrow night at 8 … You’d better f*cking be there.
  406. The World Cup starts next week. A wildlife center in China says that its baby panda will correctly predict the outcome of the World Cup games. When asked what will happen, the panda said, “None of the stadiums will be ready and all the games will be canceled.”
  407. Last week a 13-year-old girl became the youngest female to climb Mount Everest. She didn’t mean to. She was just texting her friend and the next thing she knew she was on top of Mount Everest.
  408. There are rumors that Robert Pattinson from the “Twilight” movies may be the next Indiana Jones. If there is one thing I want with my rugged action heroes, it’s a little bit of sparkle!
  409. The only reason Indian mothers don’t shop online is coz they cant bargain there
  410. How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? Glue a piece of toast to the ceiling
  411. I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said ‘yes’ with a big smile. The look on her face quickly changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.
  412. Your mamma so ugly, she walked into a haunted house and came out with a job application!!
  413. You only have one childhood, it may as well last your entire life.
  414. I’m no mathlete, but I CAN tell you that a 6 y/o running at 8 mph chasing an ice cream truck moving at 10 mph flies 7.4 ft if you trip him.
  415. Remember, I’m always here if you need shoulders for your ankles to lie on.
  416. Being an adult is mostly being exhausted, wishing you hadn’t made plans, and wondering how you hurt your back.
  417. You know you’re a bad driver when your GPS tells you “after 400 feet stop and let me out”
  418. Newly leaked documents show the NSA has been collecting millions of pictures of people online for its sophisticated facial recognition program. Americans said it’s a huge violation of their privacy — then they went back to posting selfies every 30 minutes.
  419. Today Apple announced a new feature that will let your iPhone monitor your diet and track your calorie intake. Or you can pay extra for an iPhone that minds its own business. Can you imagine Siri talking to you like, “Hey, Chunky.”
  420. I have a life outside of internet, it involves charging my phone.
  421. If I share my food with you, it’s either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don’t want it.
  422. How can you tell if someone went to the gym? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.
  423. In a new interview, President Obama revealed that his daughter Malia recently went to her first prom. She wore a corsage on her wrist while her date wore a red laser dot on his head.
  424. Spain’s king, Juan Carlos, has stepped down from the throne to make way for his son, who is more popular. Which, by the way, would be the worst “Game of Thrones” episode ever.
  425. My dog is entertained chasing his tail and I’m bored with a device that gives me access to infinite knowledge…
  426. Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club. I see a lot of new faces today.
  427. The Clippers are gonna be bought by the former CEO of Microsoft. Apparently he’s looking for something to occupy himself while Windows is installing “critical updates.”
  428. We’re learning more about the sale of the L.A. Clippers. Insiders say it came down to a bidding war between Steve Ballmer and Oprah. I’ll let you guess who Donald Sterling rooted for.
  429. Some people should put professional victim on their resumé
  430. 1 in 5 bosses will let you leave work early if you claim to have ‘lady problems’ then start crying. It works even better for guys.
  431. Humour is of two types – below the belt and above the forehead.
  432. Your voicemail will be ignored in the order in which it was received. Beep.
  433. If you’re only 18, please don’t post philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
  434. Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
  435. It’s like I wanna be left alone but I still want people to notice my absence, you know.
  436. No children were harmed in making this status. Ignored perhaps, but certainly not harmed…
  437. It’s always a special moment when you finally get to hear those three words you’ve been waiting for……. “Your order’s ready.”
  438. If you want your wife or girlfriend to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
  439. If you’re at a party and people start chanting your name, you’re obligated to do anything they want you to do.
  440. True love is when they look at you, see you’re batshit insane, and love you anyway.
  441. I have to start remembering my passwords, I have renamed the dog so many times he just looks at me with disgust now.
  442. I’ve never had angry sex. I’m always happy and quite surprised that it is actually happening.
  443. If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I’ll be out sick.
  444. This coworker is about to find out walking around smiling on a Monday always leads to workplace accidents.
  445. I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
  446. This milk is so far past it’s expiration date I’m only gonna have a small slice.
  447. Relationship Status: I ate 7 bananas trying to get the new guy at work to notice me.
  448. How can I go to sleep when this movie I’ve seen 70 times just started?
  449. Fate is when you find something you were never looking for and realize its everything you never knew you wanted.
  450. I can tell by the way you keep snapping your gum in my ear that you really don’t value your life at all.
  451. One good thing about being ugly is that when someone stares at you for too long you automatically know they wanna rob you.
  452. When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I want to use my finger and write WASH ME on her face…
  453. 5 minutes into America’s Got Talent and I learned we don’t have talent, we have a bunch of delusional idiots that don’t want real jobs.
  454. President Obama had lunch today with Hillary Clinton. Hillary told the president, “After phoning my top advisers, I think I’ll run for office.” And the president said, “I know. I listened in.”
  455. They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
  456. If you love someone, just tell them. Or get drunk and ”Like” a whole bunch of their stuff on Facebook in a short period of time…..same shit.
  457. My dog is a typical guy, I talk to him and he’s all wagging his tail, but I know he’s not listening. I get it ladies.
  458. Religion is like a buffet. People take what they like and ignore the rest..
  459. There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else’s house.
  460. Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.
  461. The amount of stuff coming out of this woman’s handbag as she searched for her keys, I wouldn’t be surprised if that missing Malaysian plane is in there too.
  462. My dog is a typical guy, I talk to him and he’s all wagging his tail, but I know he’s not listening. I get it ladies.
  463. According to my Nike fuel band I masturbated 5 miles today.
  464. You haven’t seen a woman overreact until you tell her she is overreacting.
  465. Being a man means doing what I want, when I want, and not having to answer to anyone. This is my…shit she’s coming. To be continued.
  466. You haven’t truly won an argument until the other person says “whatever” !
  467. A woman in New York is suing a Manhattan salon for $1.5 million over a bad haircut. The last time I saw a disaster like that with clippers was Donald Sterling.
  468. Ladies, love yourself first or nobody will
  469. That awkward moment when you realise you have way more internet friends than real friends.
  470. I often worry about the safety of my children, especially the one that is rolling their eyes at me & talking back right now.
  471. Parents, forget about teaching your kids about the birds and the bees. Teach your kids the difference between their, they’re and there.
  472. We have rappers who used to be pimps and gangsters telling us not to download music because it’s stealing.
  473. People who aren’t funny get offended by jokes.
  474. My wife caught me again on the couch with my iPad & a hand towel while I was putting lotion on my feet with my pants off.
  475. Can you honor Maya Angelou by not pretending that you knew much about her?
  476. Whenever a woman says “how are you different from other men?” I normally respond with “I’m fucking hilarious.”
  477. I’m going to create a social network called “Selfies And Drama” also known as “S.A.D.”
  478. I used to think I was a man of vision. Now i’m pretty sure they’re hallucinations.
  479. Thinking about the first person ever to get drunk. People must have been like, “COME QUICK! JEREMIAH HAS BEEN STRICKEN WITH AWESOME!”
  480. I should have made a website called www.reallydontfit.com and posted all the pics of fat chicks wearing skinny clothes this weekend.
  481. Most of my workday is me thinking what my couch is doing right now.
  482. Some people seriously believe they are making a difference in the world by using hashtags. HAHA!! #SocialNetworkActivist #KillYourself #YouWereAdopted #YourMotherShouldHaveSwallowedYou #YourDadShouldHaveWoreARubberAndThenFlushedYou,
  483. Isn’t it ironic how so many females are attracted to assholes, but rarely say “yes” to anal?
  484. My car rides usually consist of playing my music on random, then pressing “next” about 400 times.
  485. No matter how compelling and convincing the other person’s argument is, you can always win a debate by adding “yeah, but still” at the end.
  486. Just because a lot of guys want you doesn’t mean you’re wifey material. Just know, cheap items have many buyers.
  487. I hate when interviewers ask “why do you want this job?” So many responses run through my head, but I don’t want to sound unprofessional by saying “because I need the fucking money.”
  488. Whenever someone well known dies, social networks turn into an online obituary. #DontActLikeYouCare, 
  489. If the wrong women weren’t so tempting, then I’d probably be married to the right one by now.
  490. “Why do people get plastic surgery? Why can’t you just admit that it’s over? Stop trying to look fuckable in your 50′s.”
  491. I’m starting to wish I were a werewolf so I’d have a better reason for waking up nude in public with no memory of how I got there.
  492. Sorry I wasn’t ignoring you I was just watching 7 seasons and 54 episodes of this new show I found.
  493. Parents, forget about teaching your kids about the birds and the bees. Teach your kids the difference between their, they’re and there.
  494. Things I suck at:1. Being attractive.2. Being normal.3. Relationships.4. Texting back.5. Math.6. Life.
  495. My neighbor is crazy. After playing some Justin Bieber at high volume at 7 o’clock this morning, he commited suicide by shooting himself 8 times in the back with my gun.
  496. Priest: Kim, do you take Kanye to be your lawfully wedded husband to love and cherish? Kim: I.. *Kanye grabs mic* Kanye: She do
  497. ATTENTION: upon further consideration I am once again pushing back the debut of my summer beach bod. Thank you for your patience.
  498. My dog reminds me of my ex. She doesn’t pull her weight financially and she’s scared of the vacuum.
  499. It’s been reported that Beyoncé gets paid $100,000 just to sit in the front row at a fashion show. Meanwhile, her sister, Solange, is getting paid that amount by Jay-Z to take the stairs.
  500. Pope Francis will bring a rabbi and a Muslim leader with him when he travels to the Holy Land this week. Or as bartenders put it, “We’ve been expecting you.”
  501. The pope is in Israel with a sheik and a rabbi. If they don’t walk into a bar, it’s all for nothing!
  502. DOCTOR: Are you sexually active? ME: Depends on what you mean by active. There are plenty of active volcanos that haven’t gone off in years
  503. A Russian businessman has been ordered to pay his wife $4.5 billion in what is being called the world’s most expensive divorce. Then L.A. Clippers owner Donald Sterling said, “Stay tuned.”
  504. I’ll see your fun outdoor activity and raise you a nap.
  505. Say what you want about Canada but they successfully got rid of Justin Bieber.
  506. What if your pillow could collect your dreams and when you wake up you plug it into your computer and watch them over again…
  507. Some relationships today will end over a ”Like” on Facebook.
  508. Found a note on my door today that said ”You’re Awesome!” (: I’m the one that wrote it. But still… feels fucking good!
  509. True love is when your pet comes to your room on its own.
  510. Going to the toy store, pressing the ”TRY ME” button on a toy and the fucking thing wont stop…So you just try to get the fuck out of there like nothing happened.
  511. Well, well, well…look who’s come crawling back,,, asking me to repair the tire on their wheelchair.
  512. When your friend offers you free food, all trust is gone out the window!!! The fuck did you do to it? Nothing, I swear! Okay I’ll take a fucking bite.
  513. I wanted to be a Ninja, so I googled ”Ninja school” I followed the link to their website, and it said ”Page cannot be found” WOW, these motherfuckers are good.
  514. That ONE time In class you raise your hand, and some motherfucker screams out the answer.
  515. That good buddy on Facebook who likes your status because nobody else will.
  516. Why do girls have to get periods? Why can’t Mother Nature just text us and be all like “yo bitch, you ain’t pregnant. Catch ya next month homegirl”.
  517. Mumbling along to a song you don’t really know…but that 15 second part you do know is coming up and you’re gonna own that shit.
  518. Seeing a guy in skinny jeans and wondering how his balls fit in there.
  519. That awkward moment when you’re trying to get over someone you were never dating.
  520. Paris Hilton should make a sex tape with 2 black guys and call it NIGGAS IN PARIS!
  521. My version of flirting is looking at someone I find attractive multiple times and hoping they are more brave than I am.
  522. I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
  523. Admit it…. Sometimes you just wish you could read your crushes mind to find out how they feel about you?
  524. I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy” I then wait at green lights ’til I feel better about myself.
  525. My kids constantly yell at me whenever I try take their pictures, and I tell ‘em: “You’re gonna need them in 20 years for your Throw Back Thursdays updates”….. whatever!!
  526. How come people who think they know everything never seem to know when to shut up?
  527. Oh thank goodness, you posted another selfie. I almost forgot what you looked like since the selfie 5 minutes ago.
  528. Music is best when it’s louder than I can think.
  529. Nice try Jehovah’s Witnesses but dressing up like cops and telling me you have a warrant is not going to get me to open my door.
  530. There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
  531. This week is the 40th anniversary of the Rubik’s Cube. If you kids don’t know what a Rubik’s Cube is, it’s what people would stare at without human interaction before cellphones.
  532. There are two types of people in this world: people who pee in the shower and liars.
  533. According to my current parking spot, I’m Chief of Police.
  534. I’m angrier than a waitress forced to sing happy birthday
  535. I believe that every person has a story to tell…which is why I stay at home.
  536. When someone says to me great minds think alike, I just look at them and think “you fucking dirty bastard”
  537. Someone told me: You shouldn’t fall in love because you might get hurt…. I said yeah: And you shouldn’t fuckin live because you might die..
  538. If you could only pick 1 wish out of these 4 choices,which one will you pick???? “Pls Comment”1. To earn money without working.2. To be smart without studying.3. To love without being hurt.4. To eat without getting fat.
  539. The lifeguard kicked me out of the swimming pool this morning for peeing in the water. I said, why are you picking on me? everybody else does it ? he said yeah, but not from the diving board you dick head.
  540. My life would be so much easier if i wasn’t intelligent enough to realize how fucking stupid some people are.
  541. Why do single people take dating advice from other single people? That’s like Stevie Wonder giving Ray Charles driving directions.
  542. Have you noticed that “LOL” has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I don’t fuckinig have anything else to say”.
  543. Definition of FACEBOOK? It’s a place where Boy posts a Joke, Gets No Response….And If Girl Posts The Same Joke, She Gets 150 Likes, 300 Comments & 60 Friends Requests.
  544. Men are a lot like shopping carts, when you finally find one without a screwed up wheel, it already has a Women pushing it around.
  545. Standing closer to me in line right up my ass will not make it go faster. Back the fuck up you faggott
  546. Dear Homework. They might be doing you, But They are always thinking about me. Sincerely FACEBOOK
  547. Be good to yourself, you’re all you’ve got.
  548. How to take selfies: Step 1: Take 40 pictures. Step 2: Post the least bad one.
  549. A lot of attractive people are like nice cars with the check engine light on.
  550. I’m not playing hard to get. I’m playing leave me the fuck alone.
  551. That awesome moment when you comment and get more likes than a person who has tried to insult you in their status. Priceless.
  552. The less people you chill with….The less bullshit you deal with.
  553. The most amazing thing about the internet is how it allows you, with the click of a few buttons, to do absolutely nothing with your life.
  554. I used to forget time with you. Now, I’ll just forget you with time.
  555. Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
  556. A man in Phoenix accidentally shot himself in the leg while in line at Walmart on Saturday. Or, as they call that in Arizona, “taking a selfie.”
  557. Damn bro, judging by your handshake I would hate to be your d*ck.
  558. It only takes a second to show a person how much you feel about them. The police call it indecent exposure, but whatever…
  559. I am constantly putting things where they don’t belong, like the cereal in the fridge or my keys in the laundry or my faith in other people.
  560. The stadium that will host the opening match of the World Cup still isn’t ready yet because there are problems with 20,000 seats. When asked what’s wrong with the seats, officials said, “There’s no stadium built around them.”
  561. Over the weekend, the new “Godzilla” movie came out. I don’t know how Godzilla doesn’t hurt himself. I once had to go to the emergency room after stepping on a Lego piece.
  562. Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
  563. I don’t know why people get embarrassed when they take a magazine to the toilet, you should see the looks I get when I take my plunger.
  564. Hey ladies, tired of your man complaining about how long it takes you to get ready? Start blow drying your hair in the nude. I promise no more complaints.
  565. So apparently, all you can eat buffets do not include the waitresses…
  566. It would have been more realistic if that Michael Jackson hologram last night touched a few little little boys in the front row.
  567. A new Michael Jackson album was released this week and it contains a track titled “Do You Know Where Your Children Are?” Even worse, the next song is called, “Can You Give Me Directions?”
  568. The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
  569. So many fun things to say … too many relatives on Facebook to post!
  570. When I give people a tour of my bedroom, I like to say, “And this is where the magic happens,” followed by a sad, “… magic isn’t real.”
  571. People who remote lock their car 2 times seriously have trust issues. Personally, I do it 3 times but that’s just my OCD.
  572. A Chicago priest is offering a $5,000 reward to help stop gun violence. Meanwhile, people with guns just found out about a priest who has $5,000.
  573. This is the only way I know how to correctly use a semi-colon ;)
  574. Thanks to Facebook I feel like we probably need a new word for ‘friend.’
  575. George Lucas, the creator of “Star Wars,” is 70 years old today. George didn’t bother celebrating. He spent the day making unnecessary changes to all his earlier birthdays.
  576. Last night my wife said to me, “What would you do without me?” Apparently, “Your sister” was the wrong answer.
  577. I just found out cock fighting is done with roosters and now it feels like this 6 months of training has been wasted.
  578. The new “Godzilla” movie opened worldwide yesterday. They say New York City could survive a Godzilla attack. Seriously? It takes five cops to handle Alec Baldwin when he’s riding his bike the wrong way
  579. There’s nothing a floored gas pedal and cranked music can’t cure.
  580. My worst 3 subjects in school we’re Math and English.
  581. If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
  582. Marriage: I gave sex up for this?
  583. E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
  584. No one thinks the screenshot of your text messages are as funny as you do. No one.
  585. If you are being attacked by a bunch of clowns the first thing to do is go for the juggler.
  586. I knew you were trouble when you said you didn’t drink.
  587. Why is Facebook such a hit? It works on the principle that ‘People are more interested in others life than their own’.
  588. Women need to learn how to use Snapchat. It’s only for sexting, I don’t want to see pictures of your feet or your new perm.
  589. My relationship status: Waiting for a miracle.
  590. Hey chicks that only post inspirational shit: we know you’re nuts.
  591. You dug the hole you’re in… now stop whining and start climbing.
  592. Apparently a good way to get asked to leave the gym is to move a treadmill behind someone on a stationary bike and pretend you’re angrily chasing them.
  593. On the internet you can be whoever you want. Its odd that so many choose to be stupid.
  594. I bought some shoes of a drug dealer, I don’t know what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day.
  595. My goal is to be just the right amount of crazy to make everyone else doubt their sanity.
  596. Okay restaurants. Enough with the clever bathroom signs. A simple M and F will do. Sincerely, drunk people.
  597. If you walk a mile in my shoes, you’ll end up at the bar…
  598. Nice try “blocked number”, but I don’t even answer the phone for people I know.
  599. Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
  600. No one is more confident than a drunk girl wearing a guy’s hat sideways.
  601. You’re not in a serious relationship until he leaves you in a room alone with his phone.
  602. If my life had a soundtrack it would be the sound of a rusty gate slowly closing and then falling off its hinges onto a bunch of ugly cats…
  603. Sometimes I walk up to a plant and exhale carbon dioxide all over it. Did I save its life? Maybe. Am I a hero? That’s for history to decide.
  604. When you think your life couldn’t be any more pathetic, remember some people have more than 1 Facebook account.
  605. Girls are like roads, the more curves, the more dangerous they are.
  606. Time to get out of bed and worry from another location.
  607. No LinkedIn, I do not want to display my Twitter on my profile. I would actually like to keep my chances of getting a job above zero.
  608. You want to see Americans become activists? Cancel a TV show they like.
  609. There is a fine line between “important to me” and “dead to me.” Don’t walk it.
  610. If a woman is talking to me about her problems, I better be the cause of them.
  611. My wife called me a child. I told her, be careful who you’re calling a child because if I’m a child, that makes you a pedophile. And I’ll be damned if I’m gonna sit here and get lectured by a pervert.
  612. My wife and I only disagree on the small things, like the importance of my happiness and whether anything I say matters.
  613. My attractive feature is that sometimes I go away.
  614. Facebook taught me to mind everyone else’s business.
  615. It never ceases to amaze me that the little space between the driver’s seat and the center console in my car will fit any object that can possibly be dropped, but will not fit a hand.
  616. Trying to understand some people is like trying to pick up a turd by the clean end.
  617. I’ve been dating a homeless women recently, and i think its getting serious. She asked me to move out with her.
  618. The only difference between politics and religion is whether the hope is for this life, or the next.
  619. I just read an article in the newspaper about how 60% of adults still live with their parents. I was like “OMG Mum did you read this???”
  620. Some people don’t like telling the truth, others don’t like hearing it.
  621. Only 2 phrases can change a woman’s mood: ”I Love You” and ”50% Off”.
  622. Who was the marketing genius who decided to call killer whales “killer whales” instead of “sea pandas”???
  623. If I had a time machine, I would just keep going back to bed.
  624. See someone you know in a store….. “WHAT’S UP MAN!!” Walk around and see them again….. Nod your head & slight wave See them a third time…. Avoid all eye contact.
  625. I never would’ve noticed that you removed me as a friend, until you tried to add me back.
  626. Pay attention to all these women that are posting pictures with their mom’s on Mother’s Day because that is what they are going to look like!
  627. Sometimes, just to annoy my Therapist, I’ll ask him; “so how does my lack of progress make you feel?”
  628. Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
  629. “As seen on tv”: Get two pieces of crap that don’t work for the price of one.
  630. Well done, you are popular on Social Media. Sorry about the rest of your life.
  631. You had me at “there’s no security cameras.”
  632. Dad please dont mess my hair up and say ‘love ya’ in public, I’m in a gang now
  633. Vasaline is the key to having sex with your spouse after having children… *Just stick that stuff on the outside of the doorknob and the kids can’t turn the knob to get in.
  634. Stop calling yourself sexy. The only thing you turn on is a microwave.
  635. It’s funny how you can tell when someone likes someone else, but you can’t tell when someone likes you.
  636. Men might stare at your tits and ass, but women buy a latex mold of a pen*s and keep it in their drawer. Who’s creepy now?
  637. My mum at night: Good night, sweet dreams I love you.  My mum in the morning: Wake the fuck up you lazy piece of shit.
  638. Teacher: You’re here to learn.  Me: No bitch, I’m here because my mum wouldn’t let me stay home.
  639. If booze isn’t the answer, then your question sucks.
  640. I wonder if women in China complain that all guys are the same.
  641. That awkward moment when you see someone that you’ve been texting all day and you have nothing to say because you already know everything.
  642. I wish I could Google search…Who likes me?
  643. Delete me , Poke me, Like me, Limit me ..The choice is yours… Facebook, where no one really gives a fuck!!
  644. I didn’t know how badly we’re losing the war on stupidity til I joined Facebook.
  645. Is your drama going to have an intermission soon? I need to pee.
  646. You never really see how toxic someone is until you breathe fresher air.
  647. My girlfriend always cheats when we play board games, like last night, we were all playing Monopoly and she was next door fucking the neighbour.
  648. Is it sad that the plans I make after work depend on how much charge I have left in my phone battery?
  649. Women are so jealous. I bet Eve counted Adam’s ribs everyday to see if another woman had been created.
  650. Seriously, it’s almost 2014, can we please get some waterproof phones? I would like to text in the shower.
  651. You’re not in a serious relationship until he leaves you in a room alone with his phone.
  652. Roses are red and sometimes they’re thorny, when I think of you, I get really ……………
  653. Crush: “Hey!”  Me: *Retard mode activated*
  654. True self control is waiting until the movie starts to eat your popcorn.
  655. Not wearing condoms because the world needs more people like you.
  656. When I was 15 I was raising a Tamogochi, not a baby.
  657. Home alone… Time to teach the neighbors what good music sounds like!
  658. We all have someone’s phone number in our phone and they have no idea we have it!
  659. When I play fighting games I press random buttons and hope for the best.
  660. Drink triple. See double. Act single.
  661. My greatest talent is being able to watching 5 years worth of a TV shows in one week.
  662. Oh, you’re talking to me again. Did you just break up with your boyfriend?
  663. When I was young, sticking my tongue out to someone was like giving them the middle finger.
  664. When you’re single nobody likes you… when you’re in a relationship everybody likes you.
  665. Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
  666. Dad: Why are your eyes red, son? Son: I smoke weed, dad.  Dad: Don’t lie to me, you were crying because you’re a faggot.
  667. Christmas lights remind me of some people I know. They all hang out together, half the fuckers don’t work, and the ones that do aren’t that bright!!!!
  668. Girl: How long is your dick? Me: I’m not sure I only have 1 ruler
  669. When I’m about to get in bed, I turn my light off and then run and jump into bed so that nothing gets me.
  670. Back when I was a kid there was no internet so people would sometimes have to walk for miles just to call me a cunt.
  671. Some people walk the walk and some people talk the talk. I drink the drink.
  672. My phone’s low battery warning is the only warning I take seriously.
  673. Me: My father’s name is LAUGHING and my Mother’s name is SMILING.  Teacher: You must be Kidding? Me: No, that’s my brother. I’m JOKING.
  674. I like to listen to sad music when I’m sad to make me double sad.
  675. He’s hot, I swear! Hang on, let me find another photo…
  676. There isn’t anything that keeps you awake at night like a case of the what ifs.
  677. Mum: Why hasn’t ________? been around lately? I thought you were good friends? Me: Because he turned into a cunt.
  678. Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I’ll read 4 or 5 status updates and I’ll cry, because they suck and I realize that I’ve wasted 2 or 3 minutes of my life.
  679. I hate it when somebody always comments on my status but never likes them.
  680. Some people are so fake that they make Pamela Anderson’s boobs look real!
  681. He died doing what he loved: telling me I’m overreacting.
  682. How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
  683. If a girls tongue being pierced really mattered, then I would have my palm pierced!
  684. I came up with a plan to help people with debt, it’s called “Don’t buy shit you can’t afford!”
  685. My landlord just called and said my neighbors just complained about all the loud freaky sex they are hearing from my house… So now I’m on my way to buy some headphones for my laptop…
  686. Personality is 40% genetics, 40% upbringing, and 20% the last movie you watched.
  687. Porn Hub has pledged to plant a new tree for every hundred videos viewed on its site. The amount of tissue paper I get through, I’m still not sure that’s environmentally sustainable.
  688. Life isn’t a fairy tale. It’s a fill-in-the-blank choose your own adventure scratch & sniff colouring book with missing pages and random highlighted passages that make no sense to anyone but the author.
  689. I quit my job and handed in my badge and gun to my boss, he said, why do you have a gun? You work at McDonald’s.
  690. My mother in law called me today and said? ”Come quick. I think I’m dying” I said, ”Call me back when you’re sure”.
  691. Don’t you just hate it when you meet a hot girl, you look her up on Facebook and find there are fucking 150 + mutual friends and nobody told you about her. Thanks a lot assholes.
  692. Simba was going too slow, so I told him to Mufasa.
  693. That awkward moment when you have to get over someone you never even dated.
  694. Me: doctor doctor I cant stop fucking farting… Doctor: *runs out the room comes back with a ten foot pole*Me: OMG!!!!!!! what are you gonna do with that??? Doctor: OPEN UP A FEW FUCKING WINDOWS
  695. Selfie… Because it’s important to realize that it’s not the photographer who is making you look ugly.
  696. The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyone’s face at Starbucks.
  697. I’m going to save my resolution for 2015, I think I want to be an asshole for another year.
  698. He called me ugly…. I called him an ambulance.
  699. That awkward moment when your phone auto-corrects “I wanna do it” to “I wanna donut” because it knows you’re fat.
  700. You know what really turns me on? Unprotected…..WiFi.
  701. I’ll always be here for you … Unless we run out of beer, and someone has some over there. Then I’ll be over there for you.
  702. A simple ”Fuck you” can save hours of conversation.
  703. I feel like a text is too serious without an “lol” or “haha” in there somewhere.
  704. If you are unhappy with this status update, please press 0 to speak with a customer service representative. Just kidding! Kiss my ass
  705. Friend: Hey dude, tell me a joke.  Me: Pussy.  Friend: I don’t get it?  Me: I know you don’t…
  706. Sluts should be called ”Humpty Dumpty” because first they get humped then they get dumped.
  707. If I had a dollar for every time I got distracted, I wish I had a puppy.
  708. A guy at work calls me “Partner” and another guy calls me “Chief”. Apparently we’re playing Cowboys and Indians and I’m a double agent.
  709. People think that in Africa we ride lions and elephants to work. That’s ridiculous, we don’t have jobs.
  710. Relationship status – bathing everyday isn’t a priority anymore.
  711. My wife said if this gets 100 likes, we’ll try butt stuff…….. * Please DON’T like,,, her strap-on is big and scary…..
  712. My pants say yoga but my ass says more cupcakes please
  713. Found out the difference between onions and men. I don’t cry when I’m chopping up men.
  714. How to find the perfect wife: Play monopoly with her. if she chooses the iron, she’s the one.
  715. Nice selfie, I love the way the light brings out the bat sh*t crazy psycho in your eyes.
  716. Dear girls, not every guy is in love with you, sometimes they like your prettier friend and need your help.
  717. I think the only girl I know that hasn’t said “you’re like a brother to me” is my sister.
  718. There are two types of people I can’t stand. Nosy people, and people who won’t tell me what the hell they’re whispering about.
  719. I have a lot of clothes but I only wear like 5% and It looks like I have none and I refuse to wear the other 95% because I fucking look ugly in them.
  720. In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God or man has rested.
  721. The only thing worse than Friday the 13th, is Monday the 13th
  722. Things I Hate: slow internet connection and monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday and half of friday.
  723. Not knowing what to text back, but not wanting the conversation to end.
  724. We all know one person who was so much cooler when they were single.
  725. We all know you love your boyfriend, but we’d all appreciate it if you’d SHUT THE FUCK UP
  726. That depressing moment when you plug your phone in your charger and hours later you realise your charger wasn’t plugged in.
  727. “Ooh, a new friend request…who the hell is Iqbal???”
  728. My ex’s taught me that not every I love you is real.
  729. Do you ever pretend like you didn’t see something so the other person doesn’t feel embarrassed.
  730. That moment when your crush is absent, and you wasted your time going to school.
  731. I wish falling in love had traffic lights, so that I would know if I should go for it, slow down, or just stop!
  732. *Adding family on Facebook*  Before: Fuck bitches, smoke, drink!  After: I helped an old lady cross the street.
  733. I’m surrounded by sex addicts & alcoholics. So glad I found y’all.
  734. That awkward moment when someone adds you on Facebook, but never says hi in real life.
  735. I truly believe that there are some people who listen to you when you talk and there’s other people who just wait for it to be their turn.
  736. I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn’t do anything except send me notices that there’s a new version of itself.
  737. Marriage. Because otherwise hating someone for turning the page of a newspaper too loudly would seem absurd
  738. Throw a stranger a surprise party by putting confetti inside their closed umbrella when they’re not looking!
  739. Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
  740. I’m going to propose with a mood ring so I can easily see a measurement of how excited she really is.
  741. I once dated a meteorologist just so I could be with a woman who wasn’t right all the time.
  742. “Hey! Aren’t you that guy from the village people?” – Me, to every cop who pulls me over
  743. Transformation Tuesday! Throwback Thursday! Flashback Friday! Never underestimate a woman’s ability to find a reason to post a selfie.
  744. I may not be the best looking, wittiest, smartest or even the most successful person. I forget where I was going with this…
  745. When faced with two choices simply toss a coin. It works not because it settles the question for you, but because in that brief moment when the coin is in the air, you suddenly know what you are hoping for.
  746. Thinking of getting another bed just for all my laundry
  747. I don’t have a horse running in the Derby but my money is on Sarah Jessica Parker.
  748. It’s as if none of these people have ever seen a beer hat at the gym before.
  749. Friend: Hey dude can you please help me out?  Me: Yeah, over there mate same way that you came in.
  750. Okay mum…you know I love you…but I can’t accept your friend request on Facebook.
  751. If I ever get arrested I am going to ask for a status update instead of a phone call.
  752. When you want them, they don’t want you. When they want you, you don’t want them. When you both want each other, something fucks it up.
  753. There are 3 reasons for ”Liking” someone’s Facebook status:  1. I agree. 2. I realise this is about me, so I’m liking it to rub it in your face. 3. I want to bang you.
  754. Maths teacher: If you have 12 chocolates and you give 5 to Mary, 3 to Claire and 2 to Elizabeth then what will you get? Me: 3 new girlfriends.
  755. I used to have a voice like Justin Bieber… then I turned four.
  756. I’m lazy as fuck.. If I ever had to run for my life, I would probably die.
  757. Admit it… You get a small rush of happiness when your crush likes your Facebook status.
  758. I don’t get my neighbor. tells me to make my self at home but then gets pissed off when they come into the kitchen and I’m in my underwear making a sandwich.
  759. Next time a skinny bitch calls herself fat… I’m gonna agree with her.
  760. I wonder, if I say ”Hi” to everyone on here, how many ”Hi’s” I get back?  So let me say Hi….
  761. Teacher: Why did Robin Hood only rob the rich? Me: Because the poor didn’t have any fucking money.
  762. Mum: How come your friend ______ hasn’t been around lately?  Me: Because he turned into a cunt.
  763. I play a song, nobody likes it. One week later, every cunt likes it.
  764. It drives me fucking crazy when people post questions on Facebook that could easily be answered with a basic google search.
  765. When hoes say, new year new me… they really mean new guys, new dick.
  766. Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
  767. Trust me, when they make a pill that REALLY makes your d!ck grow, that commercial will be on during the Super Bowl, not 3am!
  768. I didn’t see anyone important today, so I’ll probably wear these same clothes tomorrow.
  769. Studies have shown there is a direct correlation between a woman’s insecurity and the amount of selfies she posts each day.
  770. I’m on that ”I don’t give a fuck diet.” I’ve lost 10 assholes already.
  771. CNN just said the world is forty trillion dollars in debt. Who the f*ck does the world owe? Jupiter?
  772. The first and last person to LIKE this status are the sexiest people in the whole wide world!
  773. If someone ever tells you your clothing style is gay, just say, yeah it came out of the closet this morning.
  774. Why didn’t Barbie ever get pregnant? Because Ken always came in another box.
  775. Roses are expensive… Violets are gay… Poems are for pussies… Have a nice day…
  776. I was walking along the street the other day when I slipped in dog shit. A minute later, some guy did exactly the same thing. I said to him, “I just did that.” So, he punched me in the face and called me a dirty bastard.
  777. A guy broke into my apartment last week.. He didn’t take the TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels.. Sick bastard..
  778. When I see something funny on the internet, I don’t usually laugh. I just blow more air out of my nose than usual.
  779. Rappers be like “I’m killing them snitches, smackin dem bitches, smokin blunts n fucking hoes!”**Wins award** Rapper: “I just wanna thank God”
  780. If Internet Explorer is brave enough to ask you to be your default browser, I think you should be brave enough to ask that girl out.
  781. Don’t judge someone because they sin differently than you.
  782. WHO THE FUCK TOOK MY… oh there it is.
  783. I’m the kind of crazy you weren’t warned about because no one knew this level existed.
  784. I plan on being up really late tonight making voodoo dolls for, well, never mind, you will know who you are soon enough
  785. Facebook has acquired a new mobile app that would allow users to track their exercise and measure how many calories they’ve burned. So if you love Facebook, and you love exercise, you’re lying about one of those.
  786. That lazy moment when you start reading someone else’s status and then realise its too long so you just like it.
  787. Spending half of the movie wondering where the fuck did I see this actor before…
  788. When I was little, I didn’t give a fuck about what to wear. My parents dressed me up. Looking back at some of my old pictures, it seems they didn’t give a fuck either.
  789. I had dinner at my mates house and while his mum was serving the food she said, how many potatoes would you like? I said, one please! She said, Haha you don’t have to be polite you know? I said, ok then ill have one you fat bitch.
  790. Teacher: Why are you late!? Me: There was a man who lost a $100 bill..Teacher: That’s nice. Were you helping him look for it? Me: No, I was standing on it until he fucked off.
  791. Me when my friends are sad: 268 text messages of advice and tell them how perfect they are.  Then when I’m sad: Oh, sorry ..
  792. Your crush likes your status and you start to imagine life together!
  793. A Chinese kid was born before the due date..So his parents named him “Sudden Lee!”
  794. When I get naked my shower gets turned on.
  795. Girl posted on Facebook: All men are dogs! I commented: Which breed is your father?
  796. One of these days the love of your life will walk right past you and you’re gonna be staring at your phone posting a status about how lonely you feel.
  797. OMG you got a new boyfriend? congratulations, who is it this week?
  798. A Kansas man on trial for first-degree murder wants to remove a tattoo across his neck reading “murder” because he’s worried it might prejudice the jury. Though he might be able to create reasonable doubt by just adding a question mark.
  799. Why is Peter Pan always flying? He Neverlands. I love that joke, it never grows old.
  800. If you’re a guy and you shave your legs… you might aswell go all the way and shave your pussy.
  801. Telling me to calm down is the easiest way to get me to tell you to go fuck yourself.
  802. Girls: He’s cute. He’s cute. He’s cute. He’s cute. Ewww.  Guys: Fuckable. Fuckable. Fuckable. Fuckable. Too fat.
  803. Facebook features three types of women: hot, Photoshopped hot, and a dog for a profile pic.
  804. A pharmaceutical company in Canada is offering $47 billion to buy the company that makes Botox. People at Botox were pretty excited — I mean, you should’ve seen the look that wasn’t on their faces.
  805. To the people that post 15 pics of your kid everyday,your kid looks EXACTLY the same as they did ystrdy,and the day before,and the day before that
  806. This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
  807. Very few things upset my wife. So, it makes me feel rather special to be one of them.
  808. My dad use to take me to the circus to see the tattooed man and the bearded lady. Now, I can see them anytime shopping at Walmart.
  809. If your problem can’t be solved by me saying “that’s messed up” and nodding a lot, then you shouldn’t come to me for help
  810. Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two.
  811. People should look like their personalities.
  812. Good rule of thumb: if you see an adult riding a children’s bicycle, you’re probably in a bad neighborhood.
  813. It’s like the women in this bar don’t know how close I am to getting my own apartment.
  814. Don’t try to tell me that hungry is not an emotion because I feel that in my soul.
  815. You’d think Pizza Hut would be able to upgrade to a house by now.
  816. Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say “Give me the dumbest thing you can think of.”
  817. I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
  818. I can either be on time or wearing pants. Pick one.
  819. I hate it when I’m trying to make money and someone greases the stripper pole.
  820. No “It’s not complicated”. One of you is just a dumbass.
  821. To women over 40, a guy with a belly and a sense of humor is a great catch. A guy who’s buff is considered a narcissist and a pole-smoker.
  822. Ever met a boring and stable girl who was good in bed? Exactly.
  823. Expect nothing and you’ll be impressed every day.
  824. Do you ever start writing a status and half way through you’re just like… nah
  825. I just burnt my tongue on my food. It made me realise that it’s the ones we love that hurt us the most.
  826. And breaking news, a man has been rushed to hospital after having 6 plastic horses shoved up his ass. He is in a stable condition.
  827. Some idiot in a nightclub came up to me and said, “I get 20 times more girls than you do, haha. “I replied, 20 x 0 = 0.”
  828. Waking up is the second hardest thing in the morning.
  829. A girl in China lost her virginity at 12. Her name is “SUM YUNG HO”
  830. My girlfriend found a spot between her boobs this morning, the doctor eased her worries telling her it was just her belly button.
  831. YouTube: “Sorry, this video is not available in your country.”Me: “Fucking racist!!!!”
  832. You fake your smile daily, then judge people for getting a fake tan.
  833. A man cheats on his girlfriend named Lorraine with a girl named Clearly. Suddenly, Lorraine died.  At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, “I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone.”
  834. Friend: Dude that song is so old…. Me: Well so is your mum but you still listen to her.
  835. Saying “guns don’t kill people, bullets do” is like saying “I haven’t raped anyone, but my dick has.”
  836. I’m starting to think that the gym isn’t really for me. I went this morning and laid down on the mat to do some sit-ups. I woke up 2 hours later.
  837. *unplugs 100% charged iphone* *slides to unlock* battery 43%
  838. At least the joke I just told you is longer then your dick. … “What joke?” … “Exactly”.
  839. Bored? 1 – Find a group photo of 4 girls. 2 – Comment, ”You 3 look awesome!”3 – And wait…
  840. I saw a woman crying as she was buying tampons earlier. Must be going through a tough period in her life.
  841. I’ve decided to take some time off Facebook so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
  842. WOW! This gym thing is a lot harder than it looked on Instagram.
  843. I met a girl in a bar last night and she said she wanted the night to be magical…. So I fucked her and disappeared.
  844. A girl told me how hard it is for her to gain weight. I said it’s hard for me NOT to. We had a good laugh and then I punched her in the face.
  845. “The world is full of nice people. If you can’t find one, be one!”
  846. Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair
  847. After filling up my gas tank this morning before work, I realized that I didn’t want to eat for the rest of the week anyways.
  848. What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
  849. Based on how many times I’ve dropped my phone, I’m gonna hold off on the whole baby thing.
  850. When life throws you curveballs, swing at those motherf*ckers like Stevie Wonder with a lightsaber.
  851. My wife was choking so I quickly googled “how to save a life” Was a good song to drown out the noise she was making.
  852. Sometimes a special someone walks right into your life and helps you realize how much better your life was before they walked into it.
  853. Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair
  854. Boss: Why aren’t you working? Me: I didn’t see you coming!
  855. ‘Why are you walking away when we’re in the middle of discussing our wedding plans? Come back! At least give me your number!’
  856. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine. And you know what else? Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine.
  857. Just spent the last 30 minutes cutting a Batman mask off the back of a box of Honey Nut Cheerios & my kid thinks he’s gonna get to wear it.
  858. People assume when I yawn that I’ve lost interest in what they have to say but truth be told, I was never interested.
  859. What if God is a woman. Not only will I be going to Hell, but I’ll never hear the end of it.
  860. I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
  861. I was disappointed to learn that the Discovery Channel’s program “Deadliest Catch” wasn’t about first marriages.
  862. My wife just made a “special” dinner “just for me” for no apparent reason. I’m going to die, right ?
  863. Hey scientists, you gave us Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra. How about you stop playing with your dicks and give us something for cancer?
  864. The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion.
  865. This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die” Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
  866. Most people don’t act stupid – it’s the real thing.
  867. I’m not feeling myself today … would you do it for me?
  868. Remember when there was nothing to check and no device to check it on and all you did was live your life?
  869. She died doing what she loved! Telling me how to drive.
  870. My girlfriend told me I’m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to batman… What a joker!
  871. The Walking Dead reminds you that other people would still be your biggest problem even if most of them died.
  872. Are you on a date with me or with your phone? Just make sure that phone pays your share of this bill by the end of the night.
  873. Just witnessed kids playing tag. What is this world coming to? Do their parents know they are outside, interacting, and getting exercise?
  874. I keep forgetting – which Disney princess is it who solves all her own problems without trying to find a boyfriend?
  875. Hey, girls who won’t stop talking about how much you love sports: We get it. You want a boyfriend.
  876. Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
  877. If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
  878. We’ve all seen that person on Social Media who likes to debate things as if they are a college professor. Dude…you’re arguing with someone who uses “dat”
  879. My wife is breaking up with me because of my masturbation addiction… Boy do I feel like a big jerk.
  880. My son told me all females have nice butts in yoga pants, so I took him to Walmart so he could see the error of his thoughts.
  881. If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to.
  882. For every cigarette you smoke God takes away 1 year of your life and gives it to Hugh Hefner.
  883. Hey, guy from the gym with lifting gloves still on, you can take them off now, you’re in Starbucks.
  884. If she eats pizza with a fork, she isn’t going to like being bent over the dining room table.
  885. Quit crying, kid. I won this Easter egg hunt fair and square…
  886. It’s not a great nap, unless you wake up and can’t remember what day it is.
  887. Hate it when you open the fridge and can’t find what you were looking for; like happiness and perfect abs.
  888. My ring tone is a woman faintly screaming ‘Help me, Superman. Help me!’ and then I run away, unexplained.
  889. I’m classically trained in the art of Nintendo.
  890. I left work in slow motion but it didn’t blow up behind me. This is bullshit.
  891. Having a dirty mind makes ordinary conversations much more interesting.
  892. Just did 100 crunches. Crumbs everywhere.
  893. What idiot named them nostrils instead of scent vents?!
  894. I text back embarrassingly fast or three days later there is no in-between.
  895. I’ll do a lot of things for money, but I draw the line at working…
  896. My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Facebook. So sadly, this will be my last joke….. in which I talk about having a wife.
  897. People are generally unhappy until they get what they want, then the cycle starts all over again.
  898. If there’s one thing I’ve learnt in life it’s to stay clothed during sensitive conversations.
  899. You had me at, “we’ll make it look like an accident.”
  900. Girls become instant best friends when they find out they hate the same people.
  901. A Swedish software company has created a new app that records and analyzes what you say during sleep. You can tell the app is working when it’s mad at you the whole next day.
  902. “I will love you forever or until I cum” – MEN
  903. In England, a movie theater had to cancel a showing of “Noah” due to a flood in the movie theatre. Either that or the 3-D in that theater is really good.
  904. If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to..
  905. I relate to Game of Thrones because much like my own life, I have no idea what’s going on and there’s a lot of sex and wine drinking.
  906. The No. 1 movie this weekend was “Captain America: The Winter Soldier,” which has already made $303 million at the worldwide box office. So in other words, Captain America has more money than regular America.
  907. I would explain it to you again, but I am fresh out of puppets and crayons.
  908. I like my women how I like my coffee, with little or no pubic hair.
  909. Two Spanish historians believe that they’ve discovered the Holy Grail. Indiana Jones found it back in 1989, but they lost track of it.
  910. “She’s cute I swear, let me find a better picture.” – Me telling my friends about my new girlfriend.
  911. Good looks are a bonus, humour is a must.
  912. Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
  913. School taught me a lot of stuff, but the most useful was how to get ready in 15 minutes
  914. Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn’t doing his part of the chores around here
  915. Thinking of getting a government grant to study … Why flies can get in your car so easy, but can’t figure out how to escape with all the windows down.
  916. Interesting how the ads on Youtube never have trouble buffering
  917. Someone once said, “Find a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.” So, I’m pleased to announce the grand opening of my titty squeezing business!!
  918. A morning text from me doesn’t mean “good morning”. It means “I’m having very dirty thoughts about you right now”.
  919. Saw a post stating “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
  920. This status is dedicated to whatever you’re ignoring in real life to read it.
  921. What idiot decided it should be my foot’s asleep instead of coma toes?
  922. A new study shows that young adults suffering from insomnia are at higher risk of a stroke. So, that information should help you finally get some sleep.
  923. I think ugly people have children just to prove to everyone they had sex.
  924. I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.
  925. Dear Smart Phone, I would really wish if you spent more time with me than your Charger
  926. “Like a glow stick, sometimes we have to break before we shine.”
  927. Dear whoever is playing sweet child o’ mine at 2:30 in the night at full blaring volume to disturb the whole neighborhood……NICE!
  928. According to the police, public masturbation is not considered a “street performance”. Even if you have a hat on the ground on front of you.
  929. I’ve always pictured myself taking selfies.
  930. Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies. Is that a trick question?
  931. When people say “life is short”. What the fuck? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does! What can you do that’s longer?
  932. I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
  933. I know it’s “cool” to make fun of celebrities, but the Bieber jokes need to stop. That’s somebody’s daughter.
  934. Some girl just asked me if she was wearing too much makeup. I told her it depends on whether she’s going to kill batman or not.
  935. “It’s complicated” relationship status = someone cheated but we signed a lease.
  936. If you don’t leave a buffet looking like someone told you bad news you didn’t get your money’s worth.
  937. A couple in Michigan is being sued for $2 million after they burned down their apartment complex while trying to cook a squirrel with a blowtorch. I’m not an accountant, but it SOUNDS like they might not have $2 million.
  938. Nothing is more dangerous than a woman “gathering her thoughts”.
  939. If Jehovah’s witnesses brought pizza and beer with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
  940. The search for Flight 370 was declared “The most difficult in human history.” Amelia Earhart could not be reached for comment…
  941. Are you smarter than a 5th grader? Wait… Regular or Asian?
  942. My girlfriend just said that I put sports before our relationship. Bullshit. It’s our sixth season together.
  943. Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
  944. I’m going to start responding to videos people post of their babies on Facebook with videos of me getting nine hours of sleep
  945. You know it’s a really good bar when there’s a couple outside breaking up.
  946. Dignity: Is that thing you lose when you send someone a second text before they’ve answered the first.
  947. At the end of each day, life should ask us, ‘Do you want to save the changes?’
  948. If you met my friends, you would understand.
  949. Billion dollar idea: A phone that charges using body fat!
  950. The higher pitched my “hey!” the greater the chance I don’t remember who you are.
  951. I work hard so my dog can have a better life.
  952. Theirye’re, problem solved.
  953. Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
  954. Before I workout, I like to warm up with 10 sets of selfie’s.
  955. Nothing worse than meeting the right person at the wrong time in your life.
  956. I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.
  957. I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control, and I thought to myself. “Well this changes everything”
  958. I’d be more motivated to work out if the stationary bikes had a little basket to hold my snacks and beer.
  959. Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
  960. My dog said “woof” so I said “woof” & now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
  961. I will be posting telepathically today. So if you think of something funny, that was me.
  962. Sometimes I’ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I’ll be like, “oh no, that can’t be right.”
  963. The best stories ever told always end with the words”…and then I got the hell out of there.”
  964. I gauge a person’s wealth by the level of protection on their iPhone. No case, huge salary.
  965. If you come home after work and your wife greets you saying she got a massive pay raise from her boss at work, remember to not kiss her on the lips.
  966. I will not be composing any quality posts today. So just keep scrolling.
  967. Yeah, so, I don’t usually argue with people who I can remove from my life by pressing a button…..
  968. There were only 3 commandments until Moses’ wife got involved.
  969. If I were Stevie Wonder I would say “I’ll believe it when I see it” in response to pretty much anything just to piss people off.
  970. “Let’s eat, get drunk and watch people exercise” – sports fans
  971. Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at McDonald’s; Not funny, grow up.
  972. It’s like these fools at the gym have never seen a girl with roller skates on the treadmill before.
  973. When starting a new relationship it’s important to remember that someone already screwed them up for you.
  974. Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on? Asking for a freak.
  975. At my job I am forced to deal with more cunts than a gynecologist.
  976. If I was in that Malaysian airplane my wife would find it in 10 minutes..
  977. Masturbating in front of your partner in the hope that she’ll join does not always work. And people on the bus stare at you.
  978. You say lonely I say home alone with an opportunity to masturbate
  979. If I were a movie villain I’d make a bomb where the wires are all one color.
  980. Odd how all the ‘intelligent life finding instruments’ are pointed away from earth.
  981. If your woman is always reminding you of how other many guys want her and you are lucky she is still with you, dump that ho. Let those wolves have her.
  982. “Half a dozen” because saying ’6′ is way too long…
  983. “Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
  984. When one door closes, another opens. Also, you can open the closed door. That’s how doors work.
  985. What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair.
  986. Women who build walls around yourselves, please consider putting in a gloryhole.
  987. Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
  988. It’s like nobody ever considers the consequences of getting to know me.
  989. E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
  990. Marriage: where all the excitement, laughter and sex is gone but she’s still there.
  991. The movie “Noah” comes out this weekend. It follows the story of a family trying to survive God’s wrath on a giant boat for months. Or as that’s more commonly known, a Carnival Cruise.
  992. The larger the implants, the more likely she’ll be confused by a push/pull door.
  993. Somebody told me I’m horrible with names.
  994. Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,… why don’t you ever smile in my pictures?
  995. My new French girlfriend hates it when I pull her hair during sex. She says it makes her armpits sore for days.
  996. I’m old enough to remember when cell phones actually got smaller every year.
  997.  if someone else is in the picture with you why do some people still call it a “selfie”?….that’s a “groupie”
  998. Married people always ask when you’re getting married like they get points for recruiting to their club of misery.
  999. At my house, it is customary for you to go back to yours as soon as possible.
  1000. The awkward moment when people think you’re drunk when in fact you’re just a blast naturally.
  1001. I wish they made bar-stools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
  1002. Car alarms would be a lot more effective if they sounded like two people fighting. I’d peak out my window for that.
  1003. Trying to argue via text is like Being Italian and talking with handcuffs on.
  1004. So sweet how people try to mask their crippling insecurities with bitchiness instead of alcohol like normal people.
  1005. You know a girl is mad when she starts off her sentence saying, “I just find it funny how…” because there’s a 99.9% chance she did not find it funny.
  1006. I hate when you tell someone you’re bored, and they suggest getting together. Then you have to explain that you’re not quite that bored.
  1007. I have always wanted to start a brand of Christian themed lollipops and call them Catho-licks.
  1008. If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
  1009. Hey movie villains – make a bomb where the wires are all one color.
  1010. A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
  1011. In regards to the Noah movie: Make sure you take someone with you, I heard they’re only selling tickets in pairs…
  1012. The discharge paperwork at the hospital seems to be expedited a little quicker if you roam up and down the hall with the back of your hospital gown untied.
  1013. My wife complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
  1014. You make every other name that comes up on my phone a disappointment.
  1015. I’m going to be the first person to land on the sun! I know what your thinking and thats why I will be going at night.
  1016. Customs officials in Europe recently seized a shipment of cocaine that was addressed to the Vatican. Which can only mean that Toronto Mayor Rob Ford just received a giant box of communion wafers.
  1017. The sooner one of you ladies takes ‘one for the team’ and becomes my girlfriend, they sooner I leave the REST of you alone!
  1018. I can’t see an end, I have no control and I don’t think there’s any escape, I don’t even have a home anymore…Definitely time for a new keyboard.
  1019. Girls treat guys like monkey bars. They don’t let go of the last one until they got a grip on the next one.
  1020. I’ve never met a group of people more worried about their “privacy” than the people on Facebook that share EVERYTHING about themselves.
  1021. Benefits of dating me: You’ll be dating me. I could go on, but I think I’ve made my point.
  1022. When you talk you repeat what you already know; but if you listen you often learn something new.
  1023. If you have to do more than 3 takes when taking a picture of yourself, it’s not the angle or the lighting. It’s you. You’re ugly.
  1024. I’m pretty busy today, so if you could just go ahead and offend yourself for me that would be great. Thanks!
  1025. I’m living proof that you should never give up hope. You may find this hard to believe, given my current level of sheer awesomeness, but I was once a pathetic loser like you. Be strong.
  1026. A guide to hating people. Step 1: get to know them.
  1027. A bee will knowingly risk its own life just to cause you a little pain. I can totally relate to that feeling.
  1028. If a girl stabbed me on our first date, how many days should I wait to ask her out again?
  1029. If at first you don’t succeed, buy her another beer.
  1030. My girlfriend said she wanted me to be more like her Ex. So I dumped her.
  1031. If she asks you to be in an open relationship, tell her to walk out that open door. She’s a slut.
  1032. You’re a special combination of disappointment, and ‘What The Fcuk!?’
  1033. Behind every great man there’s a great woman who can take whatever he just said and turn it into a great big fight
  1034. Always watch your step on an escalator. I once tripped and fell down the stairs for an hour and a half
  1035. Okay, let’s get this straight. There’s no way EVERYONE has the best boyfriend in the world.
  1036. If you’ve ever wondered why an animal is stupid enough to run into oncoming traffic on the highway, then you’ve obviously never been married.
  1037. Just heard a weird noise from the other room, but refuse to call out “Is anyone there?” I’ve seen the movies…those people always die!
  1038. Forbidden fruit creates many jams.
  1039. If people rode their spouses like they did their brakes the divorce rate would drop drastically.
  1040. Wanna ruin a girl’s day? Respond to her next text with “Who is this?”
  1041. Sometimes the smartest thing you can do, is play stupid.
  1042. Of all the advice given to me over the years, “There really is no bad time for a beer” has proved to be the most helpful. Thanks ma.
  1043. I used to date cross-eyed women just to feel better about myself after sex.
  1044. Fact: You can burn up to 10 calories a minutes while having sex… Related: Looking for a workout partner.
  1045. I just devoured a six inch from Subway and I’m still not satisfied. I get it ladies. I get it.
  1046. When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten. When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that sh!t.
  1047. Removing access to contraceptives in order to discourage premarital sex is like removing seat belts to encourage safer driving habits.
  1048. I don’t wear a watch. I DECIDE what time it is.
  1049. Auditions are being held for you to be yourself. Apply within.
  1050. Wanna ruin a girl’s day? Respond to her next text with “Who is this?”
  1051. You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you’ve had?
  1052. My friend works at the morgue and apparently tonight is open mike night.
  1053. Facebook.. reminds me a lot of high school. Full of alcohol, drugs, jealousy, sexual frustration and a bunch of boobs I’ll never get to touch.
  1054. My wife was shocked when she found out I switched her vibrator with a taser.
  1055. My doctor just told me I’m a compulsive liar. Then she gave me a blow job in her office.
  1056. Glow in the dark condoms. Now you see it, now you don’t! Now you see it, now you don’t! Now you see it, now you don’t! …
  1057. Don’t think I know half of my FB friends….Who the heck are you people?
  1058. Sometimes I spice up my love life by getting my girlfriend to wear a long black nightgown with buttons on it. Makes her look just like a remote control.
  1059. Girls love shoes… so if she throws one at you, you know she’s really pissed off.
  1060. A guy just yelled at me for texting and driving. I told him to get off my hood and mind his own business.
  1061. Is it appropriate for a receptionist at a sperm clinic to tell their clients “thanks for coming” as they leave?
  1062. I’m texting nothing but ugly girls from now on. They text back so fast!
  1063. When people see you as a competition, you already won.
  1064. My family tree is a cactus,,,,,, Yeah, we’re mostly pricks.
  1065. You say you want to bring me back to reality. You’re assuming I’ve been there before.
  1066. I hate when Doctors asks questions like . . . “Are you sexually active?” Depends on what you mean by “active”. There are plenty of “active” volcanoes that haven’t gone off in over 50 years.
  1067. TWILIGHT: Taking the ‘N’ out of “Vampire Fangs”, since 2007!
  1068. Word of advice. If your wife or girlfriend ever asks “hypothetically speaking, if I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?” Never give two names……ever.
  1069. It is hard to imagine how people showed their anger before doors were invented.
  1070. Just because I don’t talk to you, or text you first, doesn’t mean I don’t miss you. I’m just waiting for you to miss me.
  1071. In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I’m right.
  1072. The way you feel while mumbling through that part of the song you don’t know is how I feel about all my life decisions.
  1073. Anyone else find it slightly suspicious that a massive plane’s gone missing over the same ocean that Bin Laden’s floating in…..?
  1074. Woke up at 5 am. Early to bed early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise. Not to mention completely delusional about being healthy, wealthy, and wise.
  1075. Sometimes I stand in front of the mirror naked just to remind myself what nobody’s getting.
  1076. I put my phone on Airplane Mode and now I can’t find it…
  1077. It amazes me at how dirty minded most of you single women are. What amazes me more is how you clean that mind after you get wifed.
  1078. The great thing about being a guy is I don’t have to put on a “face” to go outside. All I have to do is make sure my nutsack isn’t showing and I’m pretty much golden
  1079. If you wear a tie with a short sleeve shirt you can walk into any RadioShack and start working.
  1080. For just 3 cents a day, all of my followers can help me quit my job…
  1081. My boyfriend thought I was great, but after nosing through my underwear drawer and finding a nurse uniform, a french maid outfit and a police woman uniform, he dumped me saying, “It’s obvious, you can’t hold down a job.”
  1082. If your bf/gf is mad at you put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super mad!” If they laugh marry them.
  1083. They might want to put a picture of that airplane on a milk carton.
  1084. People say, “You have to work on a marriage.” I say, “No thank you. I already have a job
  1085. You’d think the chances of putting in a USB drive wrong side-up would be 50-50, but nope, 90-10.
  1086. Getting really tired of you emotional women on Facebook. Stick some cotton in your crotch, eat a tub of ice cream, curl up to your body pillow, STFU and go to sleep
  1087. I came home from the gym today staggering and sweating after pushing my body to the limit … And all I did was sign up.
  1088. Don’t judge me until you’ve walked a mile with my shoes….shoved up your ass.
  1089. Those “Speed Enforced by Aircraft” signs don’t understand how eager I am to get pulled over by an F-16.
  1090. I need an emoticon that’s stabbing another emoticon in the eye with a pen while repeatedly punching it in its little emoticon balls.
  1091. I don’t understand ads on p0rn sites. like who is ever in the middle of jerking off then goes like “woah! that’s the new detergent?”
  1092. This woman asked me if I had ever been in a stable relationship. I told her that I wasn’t into livestock.
  1093. Women who brag about multi-tasking should chill out. There is nothing cool about doing 3 things wrong at once!
  1094. Dinner-$25 Margarita-$8 Girls night out-$33 Yelling “Hey Sl@t” and watching 12 different girls turn around- Priceless
  1095. I was dating an English teacher, but she dumped me…. She didn’t approve of my improper use of the colon.
  1096. Only ghetto people go to a family party, complain about the food and STILL take 3 plates home.
  1097. I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the glass of water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
  1098. If I want to commit suicide, all I would do is jump from your ‘EGO’ to your ‘ IQ Level’.
  1099. I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn’t even know I was driving.
  1100. My magic watch say’s you don’t have any underwear on… Oh, you do?… It must be 15 minutes fast.
  1101. The girl I’m dating has a kid who just started high school. She wanted ME of all people to have a talk with him about “the birds and the bees” We talked for about 4 hours, and I gotta tell ya, I learned A LOT.
  1102. What is it with lesbians? If they hate men so much, why do they dress like them? You never see a Jew dressed as a Nazi.
  1103. I hardly know you… but, Facebook says it’s your birthday, so happy birthday!
  1104. Went to McDonald’s and ordered a Happy Meal …. didn’t work … still grumpy.
  1105. Every Saturday is like an episode of CSI… I have to figure out where I was, what I did, and who I did!
  1106. When you lose one sense other senses are enhanced… that’s why if you lose your sense of humor your sense of asshole is enhanced.
  1107. I hate to call it “one night stands.” I prefer “auditions.”
  1108. So glad Facebook has changed the layout again!! – Said no one, ever…
  1109. My hand has never pumped so hard for a little squirt. Stupid empty soap bottle.
  1110. Two things I hate: 1) People who form negative opinions of celebrities based only on what they see or hear on TV. 2) Justin Bieber.
  1111. Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from the neighbours house is genius.
  1112. I’m a lonely Status. I wish more people liked me.
  1113. I am taking a shot for every “like” I get on this status. Then again, I’m taking shots whether you bastards like it or not.
  1114. Statistically 60% of people use their mobile phone to cheat on their partners. Personally I prefer to use my pen!s.
  1115. Knock, knock. Honey, have you finished taking pictures of yourself for facebook? Daddy needs to take a sh!t..
  1116. To the people who don’t like me… suck it. To the people that do like me… same thing. :)
  1117. I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow but I’m going to be too busy sitting on mine
  1118. Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV… So THAT’S where the clitoris is.
  1119. Can you spare just $2? Ranji is a 9 yr old boy living in Namibia. He has 1 leg, 1 arm, and 1 eye. Each day he rides 7 miles to school with a bike w/ bent wheels and no brakes. If you just send $2, we will send you the video it’s freaking hilarious.
  1120. Waiting for the day when a girl finally says that I’m “the one,” but isn’t talking to a police officer.
  1121. My internet bride got delivered today, she’s the WiFi always dreamed of.
  1122. I’m not saying my wife’s voice is annoying, but right now I’m really jealous of deaf people.
  1123. My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t totally destroy my phone
  1124. I’m back on my feet again!! Wait, false alarm the remote is right here.
  1125. Fellas; There’s no heterosexual way of taking a selfie.
  1126. Being ‘clean and sober’ means I’ve showered and I’m headed to the liquor store.
  1127. The rising new trend is ” An@l Bleaching ”. Usually I would be against such an activity ,but….Some ***holes do need to LIGHTEN UP !!
  1128. I woke up last Friday to find a letter from West Africa in my e-mail. Saturday morning, there was one from Nigeria and today, there was one from Jamacia. I have the feeling I am being black mailed….
  1129. I am sorry I wasn’t being completely honest when I said I was normal.
  1130. The phrase, “Don’t take this the wrong way” has a zero percent success rate.
  1131. The most valuable thing you can make is a mistake- you can’t learn anything from being perfect.
  1132. I bet the passengers on the missing Malaysian airplane are racking up some serious reward miles, given all of the different directions they’ve been flying.
  1133. Clearly, who ever said “more than a hand full is a waste” never have actually had their hand on more than a hand full.
  1134. Why do women fake orgasms? I wish they’d just be honest. I’ve only faked an orgasm once, when I was being mugged….. That scared him off.
  1135. When I die I want written on my tombstone “Finally Offline”.
  1136. My week is just five days of wishing I had nothing to do followed by two days of wishing I had something to do.
  1137. When I’m bored late at night, I text random numbers saying: “You should really clean under your bed, it’s filthy down here. PS: I love you.”
  1138. Hey Customer Service – Instead of monitoring this call for quality purposes, how about you just listen to what I need and fix it?!?
  1139. I tried to share a kebab with a homeless guy I saw sitting on a bench last night. He told me to f*ck off and buy my own.
  1140. I got my son a stripper for his birthday. My wife wasn’t impressed, but it’s not every day he turns 4.
  1141. I couldn’t believe it when my wife announced she was leaving me for being too lazy. Especially after I’d spent all morning taking the Christmas decorations down…..
  1142. I don’t always have a cool Facebook status, but when I do, an older relative ruins it with a lame comment.
  1143. Friend: “What’s a good movie?” Me: “Snakes on a plane” Friend: “Whats it about?”  Me: “Horses… horses on a boat”
  1144. Realized that I’m getting old. 20 years ago all of my friends were on drugs. Now they’re all on medication…
  1145. Men and women shop differently. Men know what they want before they see it. Women don’t know what they want until they see it.