Latest Jokes

5

“My thoughts are with my young neighbour at this time.”

“Has there been an accident?”

“No, she’s just really hot.”

5

Every day I struggle between “I wanna look good naked” and “treat yourself.”

5

A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.

5

Chelsea have uncharacteristically started doing what cost them the Premier League title last season.

Dropping points against smaller teams.

5

I went to see a therapist.

I said, “I’m not sure if I’m a man or a woman.”

He said, “Right. Just pull your pants down for me.”

I said, “No.”

He said, “You’re a woman.”

5

My wife text me earlier while I was out shopping:

‘Pick something up for the little ones while you’re out love x’

So I bought her a bra.

5

Getting so many spam emails. “Grow Your Hair Back”…”Lose weight now” …”Enlarge your manhood”… Wait… these are from my wife.

5

My wife said to me, “I’m fed up with you being so lazy. Pack your bags and leave.”

I said, “You pack them.”

6

I didn’t see much of myself in my newborn daughter until I babysat her last night.

At feeding time I made up a bottle for her. She drank far too much, then burped, threw up and fell asleep.

Now I see the resemblance

5

Congratulations West Ham, the only club named after two things that ISIS hate.

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Hottest Jokes

8

So American Blacks think that the whites in the US have a negative stereotype view of them.

I don’t think mass arson and theft is really going to help…

7

I was telling my colleague at work that since my wife died I’ve lost so much weight.

“Missing the home cooking?” he sympathised.

“No,” I replied. “I just skip everywhere.”

7

Paddy and Murphy walking down the road.

Paddy finds a mirror, looks at it and says, “I’m sure I’ve seen this man before!” and then passes it to Murphy.

Murphy then says, “You stupid twat that’s me!”

7

When my daughter came home from school to find her pet rabbit missing she looked everywhere for it,

Eventually asking me, “Where can he be?”

” Maybe you should look somewhere where there might be carrots” I suggested

“That’s a good idea” she replied

“And peas, onions and gravy” I added as I dished up stew for dinner.

6

Apparently a Prep School in Ascot is requiring every under 12 student to buy an iPad instead of using textbooks.

That’s nothing.

In China they’re requiring every under 5 student to MAKE an iPad instead of using textbooks.

6

My boss asked me to work through my lunch break today.

I shouted, “You fcuking bastard! I come in at 8.30 and don’t get thanks for it, work till 6 at night and don’t get thanks for it, while lazy bastards like you leave at 2 just to play golf all fucking afternoon!”

Then I emailed him back and said, “Sure boss, no problem”

6

I can’t resist a bargain. So, when I saw that it was buy one box of tissues get two free at the supermarket I filled my trolley up.
Thinking about it now, I probably looked like a bit of a wanker.

6

“Now, how’s he gonna read that magazine all rolled up like that…?” thought the spider.

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