New Jokes

As I walked into a restaurant last night the manager stopped me and said, “I’m really sorry sir, but we have no seats available.”

“Oh right.” I sighed, “Do you mind if I just use your toilet?”

“Not at all.” he replied.

I said, “Great, I’ll have the mixed grill then please.”

For years, men and women have argued over which is more painful: being kicked in the bollocks, or giving birth.

So how can we reach an answer? Well, put it this way: about a year after a couple’s first child, a woman will say, “Let’s have another baby.”

But I challenge you to find a man who, one year on, will turn to his mate and say, “Tell you what, buddy… Kick me in the bollocks again.”

Things got edgy in the pub Saturday night Two gay guys were upset about something and they were fighting … really bad … smashing chairs, Screaming ….

Finally the bartender and bouncer got them out the door.

But they continued their argument; last I heard they were exchanging blows in the alley behind the bar.

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to prom. First he goes to get a tux but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he hast to get some flowers so he goes to a florist and there is a huge flower line there. It takes forever but he gets the flowers.
Next he heads to get a limo, unfortunately there is a long limo line at the rental office and it takes a long time but he gets the job done.
Finally the day of the prom comes and the two are dancing happily and are having a good time. When the song is over she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there is no punchline.

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Hot Jokes This Week

Steve and his Jewish friend Hymmie were eating dinner in a restaurant when, suddenly, an armed robber burst in and shouted, “This is a stick up – I want everyone to give me your wallets right now.”

At that moment, Steve felt Hymmie desperately pressing something into his hand.

Steve whispered, “Mate, don’t give me a gun- I’m not a hero.”

Hymmie replied, “It’s not a gun, it’s that £50 I owe you.”

A little boy, about ten years of age is standing on top of a cliff, looking down at the sea and crying his eyes out. A priest approaches and says, “My child, why are you so upset?”

The little boy turns to him and says, “My mummy and daddy were in their car — and it just rolled over the cliff and smashed on the rocks down there.”

The priest slowly looks around him while unbuttoning his cassock and says, “It’s just not your day, is it, son?”

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