New Jokes

I joined an internet dating site. My first date was with a girl at a hospital. When I went to meet her, she said, “I don’t know if the website told you but I only have a few weeks to live.”

So I said to her, “I don’t know if the website told you, but I was only looking for a short-term relationship!”

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Hot Jokes This Week

My favorite adult store had a contest recently. The first prize was a ribbed rabbit vibrator and second place was a Hitachi Magic Wand.

They needed a catchy name for their remodeled female sex toy division.

Second place winner: Amanda xxx for “Toys for Twats”

First place Winner: Judy xxx for “Battery Operated Boyfriends.”

I have two friends, One is “Admin,” who writes most of the jokes here in the Joke Cafe.

Recently Admin said he saw himself naked in the mirror, and now his hand isn’t in the mood.

My other friend is my girlfriend.

This morning she saw herself in the mirror and now her Hitachi Magic Wand isn’t in the mood either.

A panda walks into a cafe. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and proceeds to fire it at the other patrons.

“Why?” asks the confused, surviving waiter amidst the carnage.

The panda pauses on his way out, produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual, and tosses it over his shoulder. “Well, I”m a panda,” he says at the door. “Look it up.”

The waiter turns to the relevant entry and, sure enough, finds an explanation: “Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves.”

A hippopotamus walks into a pub and asks the bartender for a pint of Guinness. “That will be £7.50 please,” says the barman.

The hippo pays and starts to sip his beer.

“You know, we don”t very many hippos in here,” says the bartender.

The hippo replies: “At £7.50 a pint it”s no wonder!”

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