New Jokes

I brought a blow up doll back to the Adult shop and complained that when I blew it up, it had no lips, a flat chest and an ugly, veiny shaft that wasn’t even hard.

“When I ordered it, I told you I wanted a sexy lady doll,” I told the manager.

The manager counter took one look at the doll and said, “You stupid dolt… She’s inside out!”

Al Sharpton was at a large appliance store..

He was there to protest the fact that most all of the washing machines were white.

So the clerk called the store manager, who asked, “What’s the problem here, Reverend?”

Sharpton pointed at the washing machines and loudly bemoaned the fact that most of them were white.

The manager replied, “Well, Reverend, it’s true that most of the washing machines are white, but if you’ll open the lids, you’ll see that all the agitators are black.”

A blind man was describing his favorite sport – parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him.

“I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go.”

“But how do you know when you are going to land?” he was asked.

“Well, I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground”, he answered.

“But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?” he was again asked.

He quickly answered, “Oh that? The dog’s leash goes slack!”

Click here for more NEW JOKES!

Hot Jokes This Week


God is tired, worn out. So he speaks to St. Peter, “You know, I need a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?”

St. Peter, thinking, nods his head, then says, “How about Jupiter? It’s nice and COOL there this time of the year.”

God shakes His head before saying, “No. Too much gravity. You know how that hurts my back.”

“Hmmm,” St. Peter reflects. “Well, how about Mercury?” “No way!” God about screams. “It’s way too hot for me there!”

“I’ve got it,” St. Peter says, his face lighting up. “How about going down to Earth for your vacation?”

Chuckling, God remarks, “Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went there, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they’re STILL talking about it!”

Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, “Did your hear the news – Mike Reid is dead??!!!”
“Woah, what the hell happened to him?”

“Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn’t brake properly and boom – He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof – Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window.”
“What a horrible way to die!”

“No no, he survived that, that didn’t kill him at all. So, he’s landed in my upstairs bedroom and he’s all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He’s just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones.”
“What a way to go, that’s terrible!”

“No no, that didn’t kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him.”
“Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!”

“No no, that didn’t kill him, he even survived that. So he’s on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him.”
“Man, what a way to go!”

“No no, he survived that, he survived that! He’s lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn’t mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him.”
“Now that is one awful way to go!”

“No no, he survived that…”

“Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?”

“I shot him!”
“You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?”

“He was wrecking my house.”

I was stood at the urinal when a black guy stood next to me.

I turned to him and said, “I fucking HATE you BLACK BASTARDS!”

He looked at me, obviously hurt, and said, “Why? I’m a human being just like you. I have a family, I have a job, I pay tax. Why let stereotypes dictate how you treat people? Why so much hatred for someone that you don’t even know?”

Then he looked down at my cock and said, “Oh… fair enough, mate.”

Click here for more HOT JOKES!