“Happy Valentines Day xoxo”
Send to Group “Wives”
“Happy Valentines Day xoxo”
Send to Group “Wives”
The worst part about being a giraffe is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.
You know you’re American when:
You talk non stop about living in the greatest country on earth despite the fact that only 18% of your population even has a passport, let alone seen another country.
You sterilize the needles you use to administer the lethal injection.
You are proud of living in a ‘land of the free’ which happens to hold 20% of the worlds prison population, as well as having the largest proportion of people in jail of any population on earth.
You worry that 21 is too young an age to drink but not that having 50,000 handgun murders a year is a problem.
You only enter wars to defend democracy when the opposite side declare war on you, but happily start wars that you lose with tin pot dictators all over the world.
You spend more on defence than education or health.
Your idea of a healthy option is a diet coke.
I asked my new girlfriend how many men she has slept with.
She said, “Six. What about you?”
I said, “None, I’m straight.”
A Match Made in Heaven…
On their way to get married, a loving couple get into car accident that proves fatal. The couple is sitting outside Heaven’s Gate waiting on St. Peter to finish the paperwork so they can enter. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter replies, “I don’t know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out,” and he leaves.
The couple sit for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. “What if it doesn’t work out?” they wonder, “Are we stuck together forever?” St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. “Yes,” he informs the couple, “you can get married in Heaven.” “Great,” says the couple, “but what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”
St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground. “What’s wrong?” exclaims the frightened couple. “Geez!” St. Peter exclaims, “It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’s going to take for me to find a lawyer?”
As the mother-in-law tucked into dinner at our place, she noticed the dog at her feet wagging his tail.
“Oh bless, is he pleased to see me?” she giggled.
“No love, don’t mind him!” I said. “It’s just you’re eating off his plate.”
I see the same homeless man scribbling furiously in a notebook every day on my way to work. This morning I stopped to ask him his story.
“I am Stephen King’s older brother,” he said. “He stole the ideas for all of his novels from me.”
I replied, “Surely you must be Joe.”
I saw a billboard on the way to work this morning that read “Future Events.”
Well, that’s a sign of things to come.
I was standing at the train station this morning on my way to work, when I saw a little old lady trip over.
As she laid there complaining about the pain in her hip and legs, some bloke came over and said, “I’ll help you up.”
“Don’t touch her” I interrupted. “If you move her it could make the injuries worse, she needs to stay exactly where she is until the paramedics arrive.”
“That’s ridiculous” he replied.
I said, “I know what I’m doing pal, I’ve seen this kinda shit on tv.”
So I dialled 999 and requested an ambulance.
5 minutes later I called them back and said, “Cancel that ambulance, she’s not in pain anymore.”
“She’s okay then?” asked the operator.
I said, “No, she’s dead. Hit by an express train.”
A plane has crashed into a river in Taiwan, clipping a taxi and a bridge on its way down. Officials say at the moment there are 19 confirmed deaths, whilst 16 people have been rescued. And that’s just in the taxi.
My wife said to me yesterday, “If I die, I want you to promise me, in the funeral procession, you’ll let my mother ride in the first car with you.”
I said, “ok, but it will totally ruin my day…..”
My wife said, “Let’s play truth or dare.”
I said, “OK… truth.”
She said, “Have you ever cheated on me?”
I said, “OK… dare.”
I beat my wife at dominos the other night.
She needs to learn that I choose the pizza toppings.
They say one is the loneliest number, they are wrong
My phone number is the loneliest number
I looked out of my window and saw a group of people gathering around a bloke who came off his motorbike, so I frantically rushed over.
“Out of the way!” I shouted, as I pushed through the crowd.
“Are you a doctor?” one woman screamed.
“No” I replied, “The cunt was delivering my pizza.”
I see that software legend Photoshop is turning 25 this week.
Actually, it’s turning 38.
It just looks 25.
People call me Mr Compromise.
Wasn’t my first choice for a nickname, but I can live with it.
The inventor of throat lozenges has died. There’ll be no coffin at his funeral.
Just got an Oscar nomination for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
How do you make a candle really happy…?
Blow it out, it’ll be delighted
The other day my girlfriend put me in a tough situation; she said, “Do I look fat in this?”
Just before I told her how great she looked, my mouth started moving for me and I said:
“To be fair, it’s a small room.”
Now that her stuff’s gone, the room is actually quite large.
I saw this guy in an Italian restaurant ordering pizza in fluent Italian. The waiter seemed to appreciate his willingness to accept their culture.
So, I tried the same thing in our local Chinese restaurant.
I squinted my eyes and shouted, “Harro! Spesha frah raice prease!” But instead of showing appreciation, they took the upturned prawn-cracker basket from my head and told me to get out.
Its pretty cool how after all of these years of marriage my wife as gained the ability to finish my sentences. Like when I say, “Can I….” she says, “No”.
My wife stormed into the living room with my phone bill in her hand.
“You’ve spent £500 on texts to a “Slutty MILF”? “You’ve got a lot of explaining to do!”
“Not as much as O2,” I said. “They told me that I had unlimited texts.”