New Jokes

30 things only us men do:

1. Look in the tissue after blowing our nose.
2. Touch hot things, Just to see how hot it is.
3. Set off early, And arrive late.
4. Order food, And still keep looking at the menu.
5. Fart and be proud.
6. Put a sickipedia joke as our facebook status.
7. Beep at girls.
8. Dance to the toilet when out clubbing.
9. Call everyone mate.
10. Dance back from the toilet.
11. Put mobile phone in our front right pocket.
12. Check our phone for no reason.
13. Have a jar for loose change.
14. Hit snooze at least 3 times.
15. Moan about the weather, when inside.
16. Stub our toe, Then blame the thing we stubbed it on.
17. Say ‘I love you too’ Quietly.
18. Sit with our hands down our trousers, and fiddle.
19. Wear a t-shirt in winter, because we’ve been to the gym.
20. Call every woman darling.
21. Check our phone, Again.
22. Piss in the shower.
23. Fart in the bath.
24. Lie about our dreams.
25. Give our car a name.
26. Laugh at the disabled.
27. Masturbate, Apparently
28. Lose the house keys, at home.
29. Save a girls number, With a blokes name.
30. Look in the mirror, and tense our arms

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other,

“Boy, business sucks. If I don’t sell more cars this month, I’m going to lose my fucking ass.”

Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away.

Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.

“That’s okay,” the blonde replied,
“If I don’t sell more ass this month, I’m going to lose my fucking car.”

Jon left for a two day business trip to Chicago. He was only a few blocks away from his house when he realized he had left his plane ticket on top of his dresser.

He turned around and headed back to the house. He quietly entered the door and walked into the kitchen. He saw his wife washing the breakfast dishes, wearing her skimpiest negligee.

She looked so good that he tiptoed up behind her, reached out, and squeezed her left t!t.

“Leave only one quart of milk,” she said. “Jon won’t be here for breakfast tomorrow.”

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