New Jokes

Now remember children, ALWAYS use the Green Cross Code:

When you see a red man you must wait.

When you see a green man you may carefully cross the road.

When you see a black man you must run for your life. He’s got a knife and he wants your pocket money.

Visibility wasn’t good the other day, and I got pulled over by a traffic cop whilst doing 70mph.

He asked, “What would you do if Mr. Fog came down suddenly?”

“I would put Mr. Foot on Mr. Brake,” I sarcastically replied.

“Let me start again,” he sighed, “What would you do if mist or fog came down suddenly?”

Fifty Children’s Books Now At Your Local Library

1-10
You are Different and That’s Bad
Take a Walk Down the Railroad Tracks with Me
Dad’s New Wife ‘Greg’
Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share
Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An “I-Can-Do-It” Book:
A Children’s Guide to Hitchhiking
Kathy Was So Bad Her Mommy Stopped Loving Her
Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
All Cats Go to hell
How to Kick Ass At School

11-20
Some Kittens Can Fly
Adoption: A Fresh Start
Grandpa’s new Casket
Fun With Abandoned Refrigerators
Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
Strangers Have the Best Candy
Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get your Way
Why You Were An Accident
Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will

21-30
Pop! Goes the Hamster, And Other Great Microwave Games
The Man in the Moon is Actually Satan
Nightmares: Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid
A Child’s Guide to Final Arrangements
Eggs, Toilet paper, and your School
Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
The Surprise at the Bottom of the Pool
If It Feels Good, Touch It!

31-40
Making Grown-Up Friends On The Internet
101 Fun Games To Play In The Road
You Can’t Help It If You’re Stupid
Patty Went Splat! (Don’t YOU Forget Your Seatbelt)
Bullies Have More Fun
Mommy’s Got A New Baby To Love
Timmy’s The Wrong Color To Be Your Friend
I Dare You! 101 Challenges To Prove You’re Not A Sissy
Michael Jackson’s “Fun” Place
Harry Potter and the Stoned Sorcerer

41-50
Why Does Mommy Almost Sneeze So Much in Her Bedroom?
Who’s My Daddy?
Small Objects and Electrical Outlets
Different Daddies Each Day of the Week
Operation and Nomenclature of the Colt 1911 45 ACP
Little Hands, Big Toasters
How To Make A Plastic Bag Space Helmet
Santa Claus And Other Lies Your Parents Told You
Why Don’t We Celebrate Father’s Day Like Other Kids?
Fun With Things Under The Kitchen Sink

This guy goes to his doctor and says, “Doctor, doctor you’ve gotta help me. I just can’t stop having sεx!”

“Well how often do you have it?” the doctor asks.

“Well, twice a day I have sεx with my wife, TWICE a day”, he answers back.

“That’s not so much”, says the doctor.

“Yes, but that’s not all. Twice a day I have sεx with my secretary, TWICE a day,” replies the man.

“Well that is probably a bit excessive,” says the doctor.

“Yes, but that’s not all. Twice a day I have sεx with a prostitute, TWICE a day,” says the man.

“Well, that’s definitely too much”, says the doctor. “You’ve got to learn to take yourself in hand.”

“I do”, says the man. “Twice a day.”

TUNA, AGAIN??

Seymour was a good and pious Irishman, and when he passed away, the Lord Himself greeted him at the pearly gates of Heaven.

“Hungry, Seymour?” the Lord asked.

“I could eat,” said Seymour.

The Lord opened a can of tuna, and they shared it.

While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into hell and noticed the inhabitants devouring enormous steaks, pheasant, pastries, Guinness Stout and good Irish whiskey.

The next day, the Lord again asked Seymour if he were hungry, and Seymour again said, “I could eat.”

Once again, a can of tuna was opened and shared, while down below Seymour noticed a feast of caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles, 100year-old French brandy, and chocolates.

The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened.

Meekly, Seymour said, “Lord, I am very happy to be be in Heaven as a reward for the good life I lived. But, this is Heaven, and all I get to eat is tuna. In the other place, they eat like Kings. I just don’t understand.”

“To be honest, Seymour,” the Lord said, “for just two people, does it pay to cook?”

A fellow’s wife was disgusted over her husband’s heavy drinking and one night she decided to give him a fright. She draped herself in a white sheet and went down to the local cemetery, knowing that her husband was in the habit of taking a shortcut through it on his way home from the pub.

It was not long before he came staggering along, and out she jumped from behind a headstone. “Ooooooo!” she wailed, “I am the Devil!”

He sticks out his hand…”Put it there, pal,” he says, “I am married to your sister.”

A blond told her friend that she was done with men for life. “They lie, they cheat and they’re just no good. From now on when I want sex, I’m going to use my vibrator”

“So, what do you do when the batteries run out?” asked her friend.

“I’ll just fake an orgasm like always.”

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Hot Jokes This Week

Two women are chatting in an office.

Woman 1: “I had sex last night, did you?”

Woman 2: “Yes.”

Woman 1: “Was it good?”

Woman 2: “No, it was a disaster… my husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?”

Woman 1: “Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!”

At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.

Husband 1: “You wanted sex last night, how was it?”

Husband 2: “Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, had sex with my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?”

Husband 1: “It was horrible. I came home, there’s no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn’t paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn’t have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour – and when we got home I remembered there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn’t get it up for an hour and then I couldn’t climax for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn’t fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!”

I fucked up a decent chance of sex last night.

I was chatting up a girl in a bar. Things were going well, so I asked her if she’d like to go back to my place.

She said, “My head says no, but my heart says yes…”

I said, “Okay, let’s make it best out of three. What does your cunt say?”

I took a fat bird back to my flat for sex last night.

As soon as we got there she looked at me and said, “I really can’t do this.”

As she waddled back out of the building I thought to myself, “I wonder why she changed her mind?”

Then I saw the ‘Out Of Order’ sign on the lift.

I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a policeman writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, ‘Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?’

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil necked jerk off. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tyres!

So I called him a horse’s arse, he finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!!

This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

I could only imagine what the owner of the car will think when he sees all the tickets.

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