New Jokes

You know you’re American when:

You talk non stop about living in the greatest country on earth despite the fact that only 18% of your population even has a passport, let alone seen another country.

You sterilize the needles you use to administer the lethal injection.

You are proud of living in a ‘land of the free’ which happens to hold 20% of the worlds prison population, as well as having the largest proportion of people in jail of any population on earth.

You worry that 21 is too young an age to drink but not that having 50,000 handgun murders a year is a problem.

You only enter wars to defend democracy when the opposite side declare war on you, but happily start wars that you lose with tin pot dictators all over the world.

You spend more on defence than education or health.

Your idea of a healthy option is a diet coke.

A Match Made in Heaven…

On their way to get married, a loving couple get into car accident that proves fatal. The couple is sitting outside Heaven’s Gate waiting on St. Peter to finish the paperwork so they can enter. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter replies, “I don’t know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out,” and he leaves.

The couple sit for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. “What if it doesn’t work out?” they wonder, “Are we stuck together forever?” St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. “Yes,” he informs the couple, “you can get married in Heaven.” “Great,” says the couple, “but what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground. “What’s wrong?” exclaims the frightened couple. “Geez!” St. Peter exclaims, “It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’s going to take for me to find a lawyer?”

I was standing at the train station this morning on my way to work, when I saw a little old lady trip over.

As she laid there complaining about the pain in her hip and legs, some bloke came over and said, “I’ll help you up.”

“Don’t touch her” I interrupted. “If you move her it could make the injuries worse, she needs to stay exactly where she is until the paramedics arrive.”

“That’s ridiculous” he replied.

I said, “I know what I’m doing pal, I’ve seen this kinda shit on tv.”

So I dialled 999 and requested an ambulance.

5 minutes later I called them back and said, “Cancel that ambulance, she’s not in pain anymore.”

“She’s okay then?” asked the operator.

I said, “No, she’s dead. Hit by an express train.”

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Hot Jokes This Week

I saw this guy in an Italian restaurant ordering pizza in fluent Italian. The waiter seemed to appreciate his willingness to accept their culture.

So, I tried the same thing in our local Chinese restaurant.

I squinted my eyes and shouted, “Harro! Spesha frah raice prease!” But instead of showing appreciation, they took the upturned prawn-cracker basket from my head and told me to get out.

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