Motion Detection System

My boss said, “As part of our cost-saving drive we’re installing energy-efficient lights in the toilets.

They work on a motion detection system.”

I replied, “That’s all fair and well, but what if someone’s just going in for a piss?”

Its all about the smell…

A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, “Now how can I tell my wife that I’ve got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I’ve managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she’s bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?” Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, “Now how do I tell my husband that I’ve got really bad breath? I’ve been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he’s lived with me for a week, he’s bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?” The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, “Darling, I’ve a confession to make.” And she says, “So have I, love.” To which he replies, “Don’t tell me, you’ve eaten my socks.”

Dirty dishes prove i feed my child

From Facebook:

“Dirty dishes prove i feed my child, messy floors prove that i let my kid have fun, piles of clothes prove i keep my child in clean clothes, a messy bathroom proves that i bath my child! So next time you walk into my house and see a mess, think twice before you judge!!! keep this going if u r a parent”

I just thought it meant you were a useless, lazy slag.

What do I know.

Open Seaason

Lance is tooling down a lonely stretch of a backwoods Alabama highway, texting to his significant other, when WHAM! he hits something or someone.

He gets out of his car, and lying there, struggling and moaning is a black kid, probably in his late teens. “Darn niggers,” Lance mutters, “they jaywalk anywhere and everywhere.” He calls 911, but by the time an ambulance gets there, the black mofu is food for the worms.

A big-bellied Alabama sheriff rolls up to the scene and begins to write up a report. “You know this will affect your driving privileges,” the sheriff says. “Most likely about eight points.”

Lance is sweating. “Eight points and vehicular homicide. Will I still be able to drive here in Alabama, sir?”

The sheriff looks up from his writing out the report. “Oh this won’t affect your ability to drive, son. See, here in Alabama we have a bounty of these niggers. It’s open season all year. You get the eight points ADDED as a BONUS to your driving record, not the other way around.”

“Yup, I would say you landed yourself an eight point buck!”