Short Jokes

  1. I blame instagram for making these basic b*tches think that they’re “models” in real life.
  2. I can’t wait to tell my Grandkids, “Back when I was kid, we were smarter than our phones!”
  3. My dog left me christmas present under the tree I had to clean it up
  4. My ornaments are starting to droop. Yeah, time to ask Santa for a new bra.
  5. I avoid making friends by being honest with people
  6. My Christmas tree isn’t the only thing that’s getting lit this time of year
  7. “That’s nice dear.” -Grandmas version of “cool story bro.”
  8. I have only one resolution. To rediscover the difference between wants and needs. May I have all I need and want all I have. Happy New Year!
  9. It would be easier to keep my New Year’s resolution to accept and forgive people if they’d stop being the same jerks they were last year.
  10. I just spent an hour at the gym. I couldn’t find a close enough parking spot so I left.
  11. My head says “go to the gym” but my heart says, “stay on the internet forever and eat!”
  12. Girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
  13. Just once I’d like to see someone dropkick the guy grinning and waving behind the news reporter.
  14. The best part of the birthday notifier on Facebook is, I meet people that I didn’t even know were on my friends list.
  15. Christmas is over. We now return to our regularly scheduled self centred lives already in progress.
  16. When I wake up before my alarm clock…I sometimes sneak up on it while it’s still sleeping and yell “HOW DOES IT FEEL B*TCH”
  17. “SANTA” rearranged is “SATAN”…I’m on to you fat man
  18. What’s red and goes “Oh, Oh, Oh!”? Santa walking backwards.
  19. He knows when you are sleeping He knows when you’re awake. He knows if you’ve been bad or good… Sounds like Santa’s had Facebook way before us.
  20. The only Christmas spirit you’ll see from me this year is a bottle of rum under your tree.