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- I blame instagram for making these basic b*tches think that they’re “models” in real life.
- I can’t wait to tell my Grandkids, “Back when I was kid, we were smarter than our phones!”
- My dog left me christmas present under the tree I had to clean it up
- My ornaments are starting to droop. Yeah, time to ask Santa for a new bra.
- I avoid making friends by being honest with people
- My Christmas tree isn’t the only thing that’s getting lit this time of year
- “That’s nice dear.” -Grandmas version of “cool story bro.”
- I have only one resolution. To rediscover the difference between wants and needs. May I have all I need and want all I have. Happy New Year!
- It would be easier to keep my New Year’s resolution to accept and forgive people if they’d stop being the same jerks they were last year.
- I just spent an hour at the gym. I couldn’t find a close enough parking spot so I left.
- My head says “go to the gym” but my heart says, “stay on the internet forever and eat!”
- Girls: I hangout with guys, theres less drama. Me: I hangout by myself. Theres no drama & I dont have to wear pants.
- Just once I’d like to see someone dropkick the guy grinning and waving behind the news reporter.
- The best part of the birthday notifier on Facebook is, I meet people that I didn’t even know were on my friends list.
- Christmas is over. We now return to our regularly scheduled self centred lives already in progress.
- When I wake up before my alarm clock…I sometimes sneak up on it while it’s still sleeping and yell “HOW DOES IT FEEL B*TCH”
- “SANTA” rearranged is “SATAN”…I’m on to you fat man
- What’s red and goes “Oh, Oh, Oh!”? Santa walking backwards.
- He knows when you are sleeping He knows when you’re awake. He knows if you’ve been bad or good… Sounds like Santa’s had Facebook way before us.
- The only Christmas spirit you’ll see from me this year is a bottle of rum under your tree.