Short Jokes

  1. I wish there was a sarcasm font so people could read my humour and not be offended.
  2. My wife’s safe word: “Not tonight”
  3. No I’m not laughing at you, I’m laughing at what I think of you.
  4. Facebook is the most confusing dating site I have ever been on.
  5. Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fu(ked to achieve it.
  6. Beauty tip: Having a bad hair day? Solution: Wear a low cut blouse.
  7. Girlfriend texted me, “I have tried my best to make this relationship work but I seem to be the only one trying. So I have decided to break up with you and move on with my life. Can you delete my number and never contact me.” I replied, “Who’s this?”
  8. Karma has no menu. You get served what you deserve.
  9. Sorry, sarcasm falls out of my mouth, like stupidity falls out of yours.
  10. The liquor store clerk just wished me a merry Christmas as if she weren’t going to see me 7 more times before then.
  11. Dear Santa, us big girls like toys too,,,,just put them in the second drawer of my nightstand!
  12. ”Live this Friday like it was your last.” – The Mayans
  13. Ever notice how white women over 40 can’t dance without clapping?
  14. The only “b” word you should call a girl is beautiful. Bitches love to be called beautiful.
  15. Million dollar idea: A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
  16. Instagram says it now can sell your pics without your permission. Good luck making money with pictures of Cups of coffee, Cupcakes & clouds.
  17. A guy in a bar stands up and says, “All lawyers are a$$holes.” Another guy stands up and says “Hey…I resent that…” The first guy says, “Why? Are you a lawyer?” The second guy says, “No. I’m an a$$hole.”
  18. I have a black belt in leather
  19. Despite the contradictory advice circulated in the late ’90s, if you wanna be my lover, please do not get with my friends.
  20. I know some folks who could use a 12 step program. Where 11 of those steps should be to the edge of a cliff.