Short Jokes

  1. Just got a peek at Santa’s naughty list! Amazingly, it’s almost identical to my friends list. Can’t believe some of the things you people have done!
  2. So this guy pointing a gun to my face was like: Your money or your life! and I was like: I’m on Facebook, I don’t have money or a life.
  3. Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected.
  4. I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mom’s bedroom. I can’t believe it.. She’s a superhero!
  5. The sight of naked cleavage reduces a man’s ability to reason by 50% … Per boob.
  6. Weekends are like an ORGASM: It takes a lot to get there and when you finally do, it’s over in no time!
  7. You’re the shampoo in the eyes of my life.
  8. If you’re looking for an excuse to ruin your life, I’m right here.
  9. The weekend just logged me out due to inactivity.
  10. When I’m happy, I drink and when I drink, I’m happy. Win/win!!
  11. If Hooters had delivery, would they be called knockers?
  12. The restraining order doesn’t mean we can’t hang. It just says I can’t get within 50ft of you. You wanna play catch or Frisbee or something?
  13. Someone told me: Don’t fall in love, you might get hurt. I said: Don’t live, you might die..
  14. I always stop to help women who have broken down on the road. I don’t know anything about cars, but I do know how porn starts off
  15. Due to those 5 extra minutes of sleep I got because of the snooze button I’m not even tired anymore –Said no one ever!
  16. Failed another job interview today. Apparently taking part in an orgy isn’t proof that you can effectively work as part of a team.
  17. Do someone a favor and it becomes your job.
  18. If you choose to always make it all about you, that’s precisely who you’ll end up with.
  19. When I was growing up I never knew what I wanted to be, now that I’m older I know that it’s younger.
  20. You haven’t truly won an argument until the other person says “whatever.”