Short Jokes

  1. When someone says “It’s getting hot in here” I automatically think, “So take off all your clothes”.
  2. If you choose to always make it all about you, that’s precisely who you’ll end up with.
  3. Marriage tip: When times get tough, never tell a woman she needs to “sacrifice.” Women do not like this term. Always say “prioritize.”
  4. My life is a result of “it seemed like a good idea at the time.”
  5. I realize that I’m obviously not learning from my mistakes….I still get up every morning and go to work.
  6. If I have offended you, hurt you, belittled you in any manner, then I want you to know that I was only just getting started.
  7. I don’t love being single but I do love being happy.
  8. Some days I think Forrest had the right idea when he dropped everything and just kept running.
  9. There is only one pretty child in the world… and every mother has it.
  10. Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
  11. Some people can have all the lights on and still be in the dark.
  12. Treat me like a joke, and I’ll leave you like it’s funny.
  13. Loving someone and not expressing it is like wrapping a gift and not giving it.
  14. You deserve a standing ovation from my tallest finger.
  15. 1992: Girls got undressed for their husbands. 1995: Girls got undressed for money. 2012: Girls get undressed for likes on Facebook and Instagram
  16. I wonder if the Three Wise Men said to Jesus, “Just to be clear, these gifts are for your birthday AND Christmas.”
  17. When you give up and stop believing in yourself, it’s much easier to worship and idolize another. That’s how ass kissing and celebrity worshiping begins.
  18. Let’s get this out of the way now. Next Wednesday, the date will be 12-12-12. Happy?
  19. Some girls will stop speaking to their friends over the littlest things, but will forgive the same cheating guy a millions times…
  20. Girls become instant best friends when they find out they hate the same people.