Whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks..I’m in public
Just did 100 crunches. Crumbs everywhere.
The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
Is “blowjob” one word or two words? God I hate writing thank you cards.
My ring tone is a woman faintly screaming ‘Help me, Superman. Help me!’ and then I run away, unexplained.
Reality T.V. Show Idea: Put The Kardashians, Honey Boo Boo, and the Jersey Shore cast on a island. Have them fight it out until the last one stands and call it “Who Gives A Fu¢k”
You know it’s cold outside when you go outside and trip over dog poop instead of stepping in it.
The mirrors in my house have been pretty sarcastic lately.
Is it too much to ask for an attractive hot stalker….I mean, come on, seriously!
Well, today I realized that boobytrap backwards is partyboob, I think I’ve learned all that is possible for my brain to hold….
You find out who your real friends are when all you have left to offer is friendship.
Freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
(._.) ( I: ) (.-.) ( :I ) (._.) They see me rollin’, they hatin’
My boss pulled up in his new car today so I complimented him on it. He responded ” if you set your goals, work hard and execute, I can buy an even better one next year”
Hey Guys, I don’t have Instagram but I just wanted to let you know that I had oatmeal for breakfast. No sugar, mixed with water.
Definition of laziness : It’s a talent of taking rest before you get tired……….coz prevention is better than cure
I read an actual newspaper today! For those of you who don’t understand, a newspaper is like the Internet but made of paper.
Worst part of being sick? Sneezing while taking a piss…
Imagine how many people are going to commit suicide next month, simply because they believe the world will really end. On a related note: Imagine how much higher the world’s average IQ will be come January.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait…