Short Jokes

  1. My girlfriend left me because she said I’m a “Clueless idiot.” I didn’t even know I had a girlfriend.
  2. Girl: “How do I look today?” Bruno Mars: “When I see your faceeee” Girl: “Ok ok I get it.”
  3. Sorry sweetie, but no. Alcohol is not an excuse for being a dirty slut. Nice try though.
  4. In successful relationships, no one wears the pants.
  5. Of all the lies I tell, “I was just kidding!” is my favorite.
  6. Bras come in sizes = AA, A, B, C, D, DD, E, OMG, WTF.
  7. You know your vacation sucks when you’re constantly writing updates about it on Facebook.
  8. Do you know any jokes about Sodium Hypobromite? NaBrO
  9. I have a bad feeling we’re going to pay for Taylor Swift not having a boyfriend on Valentines Day.
  10. Last night, Gotye won Record of the Year. Parents were like, “Who’s Gotye?” while their kids were like, “What’s a record?
  11. You Know The Economy is really Bad when even God starts laying people off #pope
  12. Don’t worry, Pope Benedict XVI, I get it. Mondays make me want to quit my job too.
  13. The Pope is really setting a high bar for giving something up for Lent.
  14. The Pope just changed his relationship status to It’s Complicated…
  15. The Pope is resigning. He will soon be known as Ex-Benedict.
  16. To help reduce cost, this status was typed in china.
  17. Monday Morning……Rolling out of bed is easy. Getting up off  the floor is another story.
  18. I’m not lazy, I’m on energy saving mode.
  19. My neighbor knocked on my door at  2 am this morning and said, “Yo, I can’t fcking sleep.” “Well it’s your lucky day,” I said, “I’ve got a party going on in here, come in.”
  20. Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank…. I have no words right now to describe how angry I am.