Short Jokes

  1. My Doctor says I’m a serious alcoholic, but I think I’m more of a funny alcoholic.
  2. You can’t make me believe there’s a shortage of jobs in this country when there are 23 cash registers at WalMart and only  3 cashiers.
  3. I just seen someone update their status on Facebook to “I Wish Every Guy Was Like Jack From The Titanic.” What… Dead at  the bottom of the ocean?
  4. That moment when you realize you can’t ignore someones message on Facebook anymore because it shows that you’ve read it.
  5. Don’t you love the tan lines that girls get after sunbathing? It’s almost like God came down and highlighted all the  important parts.
  6. How I flirt: *Stares from a distance*
  7. If a fireman’s job can go up in smoke, and a plumbers job can go down the drain, can a hooker get laid off?!
  8. I farted while lifting a heavy object today. It was very embarrassing. I had to apologise to the man at the next urinal.
  9. One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
  10. I just want you all to know, whatever problems you might be having, I’m here to ‘like’ them.
  11. In my next life, I’d like to come back as someone who has a life.
  12. I got a call today from a distorted voice saying “Five grand in cash, or we kill your wife” Both options were tempting,  but I decided to take the money.
  13. Showers: never want to get in, then never wanting to get out.
  14. It’s funny how 1 text, 1 song, 1 mistake, 1 lie, 1 truth, and 1 person could change your mood in 1 second.
  15. Does anyone else get bothered by that last inch the shower curtain wont cover?
  16. Just ate a whole bag of chips, but it was “reduced fat” so basically it was like going to the gym.
  17. In a stunning display of maturity, Kid Rock announces he is changing his name to Adult Contemporary.
  18. Sometimes I feel bad because when I don’t have anything funny to post, then I remember I’m not in the entertainment  business.
  19. She told me she was a vegan so I pretended I never met herbivore.
  20. A girl phoned me the other day and said “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.