Short Jokes

  1. “You have sexy calves.” -Pedophile bull
  2. Ran out of toilet paper, so I had to use leaves. Just kidding, but my son learned a big lesson about leaving his clothes  in the bathroom.
  3. The Titanic is a great lesson of why just the tip can get you in a lot of trouble.
  4. LinkedIn Bans Prostitutes And Escorts! I wasn’t even aware this service was available on LinkedIn. Why am I always late to  the party?
  5. I wake up everyday planning to be productive and then a voice in my head says “haha good one” and we laugh and laugh and  take a nap.
  6. I wish some people could actually see their personality when they look in a mirror.
  7. During sex it’s perfectly fine to say “yeah”, “yes”, and “oh yes” but how awkward would it be if someone kept screaming  “yep”
  8. According to national reports, car thefts in the US are now at a 20 year low…Well, sure, it’s hard to steal a car when  the owner’s living in it…
  9. I’m coming out with a workout video called “Beached Whale Body”. It’s just a video of me sitting on my recliner with my  computer on my lap and phone in hand.
  10. An awkward morning beats a boring night.
  11. Pregnant Kim Kardashian is moaning in a magazine, “Nothing looks good on me” I disagree. A grand piano dropped from a  considerable height would.
  12. Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
  13. Idk what was worse, the fact that my girlfriend text me saying “sorry breaking up with you” or that a minute later she  text me back “sorry wrong number.”
  14. When people on Facebook say they lost their phone and need everyone’s numbers again, I text them: “Guess who?” for 2  weeks.
  15. What does it mean if the Holy Water sizzles when it hits your skin (asking for a friend)
  16. From now on, all of my posts will be written in Morgan Freeman’s voice. Please re-read this one to make sure it’s working.
  17. Women! They assume everything but the position.
  18. To all the Moms: “Happy Mothers Day”! And to all the Dads: “Happy Sunday.. Mother Fu€Kers”!!
  19. Confucius Say: Joke is like sex. Not good if you don’t get it
  20. I heard Cobras dance to music. I played some Justin Bieber for my pet Cobra and he bit himself and died.