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- I just burned 1200 calories! I forgot about the batch of cinnamon rolls in the oven!
- First rule of cuddle club: It better lead to sex or you’re out of the cuddle club
- Axe came out with 2 new body sprays. I’m having a hard time deciding between “My mom is picking me up at 8:30” and “Can I touch your bra”
- I love smiling at random people. Some of them smile back. Some of them get really creeped out, but that makes it worth it.
- A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s…That’s because she changes it more often.
- How do people approach their crush I don’t even have the guts to ask for an extra ketchup in McDonald’s?
- There is no greater stress than the stress of a guy who forgot his phone & left it at home with his wife.
- A pretty face gets old, a nice body changes, but a good woman will always be a good woman.
- I like to eat at Brazilian restaurants because there will be no hair in the food
- Me: I want a hot body. Me: Does absolutely nothing to achieve this.
- Question of the day: when was the last time that you saw a music video that was relevant to the actual song?
- To all the waiters out there: we don’t get impressed when you try to memorize our orders, we just get nervous.
- Never trust a woman who doesn’t b*tch about everything.
- The best things in life are free. The second best things are very expensive.
- My level of sarcasm’s gotten to a point where I don’t even know if I’m kidding or not.
- My roommate is on a date and said he’s convinced she’s coming home with him tonight. I’ve covered his room in Justin Bieber posters. Now we wait.
- I am not sure if I need to get beat up, broke as hell and drive a P.O.S car to get a hot girlfriend. Because that’s all I see, ugly is the new hot!
- The TV remote, the G-spot and black dads. Some things are just made not to be found.
- Beer is like sex. When it’s good it’s good…when it’s bad it’s still pretty good.
- That awkward moment when your friends are singing “happy birthday to you” and you don’t know where to look.