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- Every so often I’ll listen to my wife talk non stop for hours at a time to remind myself why people wander into traffic without looking.
- In any kind of relationship…you learn more about someone at the end of that relationship than at the beginning……
- Looks like someone spent more time at the gym than in English class…
- I Would Flex But I Like This T-Shirt.
- Some people post because they need attention and validation. Not me. (Thanks for reading this, the ‘Like’ button is below)
- Just saw a guy checking out my wife. Good luck buddy. I’m married to her and I don’t even have a chance.
- You know your relationship is losing its spark when your wife wears a rape whistle to bed.
- Paris Hilton says that bees frighten her. I bet the rest of the alphabet does too.
- Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my lovers hair. It’s a nice way to let them know my love and also that we’re out of napkins.
- The less you know, the more you think you do.
- Ladies: If he’s right handed, and you find the mouse to the left of the computer monitor, there is only one explanation. Sorry Guys.
- There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
- Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus and a recovery room where they have clear print.
- People with a good sense of humor have a better sense of life.
- To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.
- Whenever I get a message that begins with “Hey Stranger” I know I’m about to be asked for a favor by someone I don’t want to help.
- Do not keep all your work for tomorrow, always remember you can also do it the day after tomorrow.. Be lazy, Think crazy.
- Friends are like boobs. You’ve got small ones, big ones, real ones, and fake ones.
- It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey, but I’ve turned myself around.
- Justin Bieber has grown a mustache. His transformation into a teenage mexican girl is now complete.