Short Jokes

  1. Alcohol is like liquid Photoshop for real life.
  2. The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Unless he’s a vegan – then I’m pretty sure you can just get there through  his p*ssy.
  3. 7 Billion people, 14 billion Faces.
  4. Whenever I meet a new girl, I introduce myself by shaking hands with my left hand. I don’t want her to meet her  competition right away.
  5. Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don’t have to.
  6. A rainy Friday is still better than a sunny Monday…
  7. Looking for a good retractable leash. when I walk my turtle I hate when it gets to far ahead of me
  8. The amount of people who confuse “to” and “too” is amazing two me.
  9. Friend: “Hey you’re blocking the view!” Me: “Bitch, I am the view.”
  10. I would lose weight, but I hate losing.
  11. Maybe your d*ck is so small because half of it is in your personality.
  12. If I were a bird, you’d be the first person I’d shit on.
  13. I don’t need a stable relationship, I just need a stable internet connection.
  14. I thought you were good looking, until I clicked “view more pictures”
  15. Sh*t happens… I mean look at you.
  16. It’s too bad your funny status was ruined by your inability to spell.
  17. Farts are just the ghosts of the things we eat.
  18. Relationships should come with an icon that shows you how much time you have left like your phone’s battery.
  19. Inside me is a skinny woman screaming to get out. I can usually shut her up with a cookie.
  20. My week is basically: Monday Monday #2 Monday #3 Monday #4 Friday Saturday Pre-Monday