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- Alcohol is like liquid Photoshop for real life.
- The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Unless he’s a vegan – then I’m pretty sure you can just get there through his p*ssy.
- 7 Billion people, 14 billion Faces.
- Whenever I meet a new girl, I introduce myself by shaking hands with my left hand. I don’t want her to meet her competition right away.
- Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don’t have to.
- A rainy Friday is still better than a sunny Monday…
- Looking for a good retractable leash. when I walk my turtle I hate when it gets to far ahead of me
- The amount of people who confuse “to” and “too” is amazing two me.
- Friend: “Hey you’re blocking the view!” Me: “Bitch, I am the view.”
- I would lose weight, but I hate losing.
- Maybe your d*ck is so small because half of it is in your personality.
- If I were a bird, you’d be the first person I’d shit on.
- I don’t need a stable relationship, I just need a stable internet connection.
- I thought you were good looking, until I clicked “view more pictures”
- Sh*t happens… I mean look at you.
- It’s too bad your funny status was ruined by your inability to spell.
- Farts are just the ghosts of the things we eat.
- Relationships should come with an icon that shows you how much time you have left like your phone’s battery.
- Inside me is a skinny woman screaming to get out. I can usually shut her up with a cookie.
- My week is basically: Monday Monday #2 Monday #3 Monday #4 Friday Saturday Pre-Monday