The Funniest Jokes and Humorous Quotes
I came home from the pub really drunk last night.
As I staggered into the living room and sat down on the sofa, my wife looked at me and said, “Can’t you just go out and have a couple of drinks?”
“Of course I can,” I replied, standing back up. “Just let me get my coat.”
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests.
He says, I’m Jesus Christ. The first priest says, No, son, you’re not.
The drunk turns to the other priest. I’m Jesus Christ. The second priest replies, No, son, you’re not.
So the drunk says, Look, I can prove it. He walks back into the bar with the two priests.
The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, Jesus Christ, you’re here again?
1. THEY HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE THEIR PURSE IS.:/:s
2. THEY BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH THEIR ARMS OVERHEAD AND WIGGLING THEIR BUTT WHILE YELLING “WOO-HOO!” IS TRULY THE SEXIEST DANCE MOVE AROUND.;;):*
3. THEY’VE SUDDENLY DECIDED THAT THEY WANT TO KICK SOMEONE’S ASS AND HONESTLY BELIEVE THEY COULD DO IT TOO. ;):p
4. IN THEIR LAST TRIP TO PEE, THEY REALIZE THAT THEY NOW LOOK MORE LIKE A HOMELESS HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS THEY WERE JUST FOUR HOURS AGO :OX_X
5. THEY GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A NEW SONG PLAY’S BECAUSE “OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!”<3<3
6. THEY’VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK SITTING NEXT TO THEM.*nerd*O:)
7. THEY’VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY GOOD AT IT. :x:$
8. THEY FLIRT WITH THE BARTENDER:&(n)
9 . THEY TAKE THEIR SHOES OFF BECAUSE THEY BELIEVE IT’S THE SHOES FAULT THAT THEY’RE HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT =D
“I see someone got drunk last night,” said my wife, waking me up.
“I only had three beers, so you’re fucking wrong!” I raged.
“Fair enough,” she replied. “Could you just roll off the driveway, I’m going to be late for work.”