A City Boy

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, “Sorry son, but I have Some bad news, the donkey died last night.”

Kenny replied: “Well then, just give me my money back.”

The farmer said: “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”

Kenny said: “OK then, just unload the donkey.”

The farmer asked: “What you goanna to do with him?”

Kenny: “I’m going to raffle him off.”

Farmer: “You can’t raffle off a dead donkey!”

Kenny: “Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.”

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, “What happened with that dead donkey?”

Kenny: “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998.00.”

Farmer: “Didn’t anyone complain?”

Kenny: “Just the guy who won. So I gave him back his two dollars.”

Circle Flies

An old farmer got pulled over by a young state trooper for speeding. The trooper, fresh on the job, decided to throw his weight around and started lecturing the farmer about his speed. He did his best to make the farmer feel uncomfortable but eventually got around to writing the ticket. As he wrote, he had to swat at several flies that were buzzing around his head.

“Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?” asked the farmer. The trooper stopped writing the ticket and looked up. “Well yeah, if that’s what they are,” he said. “I never heard of circle flies, though.””Oh, they’re pretty common on farms,” said the farmer. “We call ’em circle flies because they’re always circling around the back end of a horse.”

“I see,” said the trooper as he continued writing the ticket. All of a sudden, he stopped and looked up at the farmer. “Hey…wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse’s ass?”
“Oh no, officer,” replied the farmer. “I have far too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse’s ass.”

“Well, that’s a good thing,” said the trooper as he resumed writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer continued. “Hard to fool them flies, though.”

Perfect Woman

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman, so they could produce children beyond comparison. With that he began his mission to find the perfect woman. After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the east coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied, “They’re all lookin’ to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want.”
The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the farmer asked for the man’s opinion.
“Well” said the man, “She’s just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, pigeon-toed.”
The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls.
The man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. “Well,” the man replied, “She’s just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed.
The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better.
The morning after the man dated the third daughter, the man rushed in exclaiming, “She’s perfect, just perfect! She’s the one I want to marry!”
They were married right away. Months later, the had a baby. When the man visited nursery, he was horrified. The baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents.
“Well,” explained the farmer, “She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant, when you met her.

Brewster the Rooster

Farmer Jones’ rooster died, and he went into town to buy a new one. When he got to the seed and feed store, he was told that they had sold out of roosters, and that he would have to wait for the next shipment. Farmer Jones told the salesman that he had a long way to travel, and that he needed a rooster bad, did he know where one could be had at this time? The salesman told him that actually, there was one rooster left in the back of the store that they had sold 10 times already, but that people had been bringing him back, and that the store was going to get rid of him in the morning.

Farmer Jones asked what the problem was, and the salesman told him that the rooster was a bit over sexed. Farmer Jones thought about it for a minute, and decided that there were enough hens around his farm to keep a rooster plenty busy, so asked what the rooster would cost. The salesman said that he could have him, that the rooster had caused so much trouble, that they were glad to be rid of him.

That night, Farmer Jones got home about bedtime, and let the new rooster out in the farmyard, and went to bed. There arose a din of noise such as Farmer Jones had never heard before, and he almost went out to see what was the problem, when he remembered what the salesman had told him about the rooster being oversexed, and he decided that the rooster would play himself out by morning…

The next morning, Farmer Jones awoke to total silence. He looked over at his wife, and saw her laying there sprawled out on the bed with her skirt hiked up, a blissful smile on her face. He next went to the window and looked out over the farmyard, and saw all the animals layed out on their backs, smiling blissfully. Concerned, Farmer Jones went out into the yard, and looked around. As far as the eye could see, there were farm animals sprawled out with this big smile on their faces, and he noticed that the bodies led off into the distance toward a hill. On top of this hill, he could make out the rooster, flat on his back with buzzards circling over head. The farmer made his way through the bodies, up to the hill, and stood over the rooster, and said, “Well old boy, ya done did yerself in.”

The rooster cocked an eye, and said in a whisper, “Shhhhh, they’re about to land!”