How much you Paying

A man owned a small farm in South Carolina.

The South Carolina Wage & Hours Department claimed he was not paying proper
wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

“I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them”, demanded the
Agent.

“Well,” replied the farmer, “there’s my farm hand who’s been with me for 3
years.

I pay him $400.00 a week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $300.00 per week plus
free room and board.

There’s the half-wit.

He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around
here. He makes about $10.00 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy
him a bottle of Bourbon every Saturday night.

He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.”

“That’s the guy I want to talk to…..the half-wit”, says the Agent.

“That would be me”, replied the farmer

A Goose, 2 Chicks and a Bucket of Paint

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, ‘Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?’ The farmer said, ‘Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot.’ The old lady suggested, ‘Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket.  Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?’ ‘Why thank you very much,’ he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says ‘Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time..

‘ The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, ‘I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?’

The farmer said, ‘Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?’

The old lady replied, ‘Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.

The Badge

A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday “I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs.” I said “Okay , but don’t go in that field over there…..”, The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, ” Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!” Reaching into his rear jeans pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face.
“See this fcuking badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish… On any land! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?… do you understand?!!”I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores.
A short time later, I heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull…… With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety.
The officer was clearly terrified. I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my lungs…..”Your badge, show him your fcuking BADGE!!”

Politicians

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer’s field.

The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer said he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, “Were they ALL dead?”

The old farmer replied, “Well, some of them said they weren’t, but you know how them politicians lie.”