You Won’t Forget Next Year

Bob was in trouble. He forgot it was Valentine’s Day. His wife was really angry. She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from zero to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!” …

The next morning he got up early and left for work. …

When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Uh ….. Bob has been missing since Friday.

Funny Valentines Day Jokes, Statuses & Tweets

40 Funny Valentines Day Jokes, Status Updates, Quotes and Tweets

  1. funny valentines day jokesReally struggling on what to get my girlfriend for Valentines Day. I mean, I’d hate to get her the same thing as her Husband does. That would be embarrassing.
  2. In celebration of Valentine’s Day, I am offering free makeouts to anyone  whose even a little bit sad or easy.
  3. A dozen roses: $12, a box of chocolates: $10, a Happy Valentines Day card: $2, still having $24 dollars because you’re single: priceless!
  4. The awkward moment when you realize Valentines day is approaching fast and the only one who loves you is your pet.
  5. Now accepting applications for a Valentine…Requirements as follows : 1) Pulse 2) Female…as the day progresses, requirement #1 may become negotiable…
  6. Instead of Candy for your Valentine.Why not Liquor instead.
  7. I asked my wife if it was still necessary to get her a card for valentines day even after 5 years of marriage. She said yes and the only card she wanted was VISA.
  8. Guys, for Valentine’s Day leave 3 notes scattered around your house for your girlfriend that say “Will”, “you”, and “me.” That’ll keep her busy while you watch sports.
  9. Got my right hand a Valentines Day card. Had to sign it with my left hand so it will be a surprise.
  10. What the difference between a calendar and you…. a calendar has a date on Valentines day.
  11. I would even do the thing Meat Loaf wouldn’t do for love for you.
  12. Roses are red, your body is fine, I know we just met, but your place or mine?
  13. Good thing it’s Valentines day, cause I woke up with a massive heart on!
  14. Got my left hand an awesome Valentines card and vibrating glove.
  15. Remember ladies; When men give women roses they expect Tulips in return 😉
  16. Valentines Day is the day that the “V” and “D” come together ..
  17. So I’ve decided that my Wi-Fi will be my valentine. Idk, we just have this connection.
  18. If you’re sad about being alone on Valentine’s Day, just remember that nobody loves you on any other day of the year either.
  19. Brace yourselves!! The flowers, candy and jewellery mobile uploads are upon us…..
  20. Dear Cupid, next time hit us both.
  21. Its Valentines Day…If u r married go & kiss your wife or husband , if u have a gfbf the same ..n if u r single, kiss the ground and thank GOD !! =)). HAPPY VALENTINES DAY
  22. My wife said to go out and buy something that makes her look hot & sexy for Valentine’s Day! So I got drunk…
  23. I think I owe my right hand a Valentines Day card!
  24. I think I owe my vibrator a Valentines Day card.
  25. I overheard my girlfriend on the phone to her bff saying she wants to get engaged on Valentine’s Day. I hope she finds someone nice.
  26. Any dude who waits for Valentines Day to treat his woman like a Queen is failing 364 days a year.
  27. Fellas: Make it a Valentine’s Day she’ll always remember by simply forgetting it.
  28. Dear people posting pics of things they got for Valentine’s Day: Please stop it! Spare us the cheesiness and keep that sh!t to yourself. Sincerely, Single People
  29. Valentines Day – Drinks: $80. Dinner: $75. The room: $250. The look on his face when she says “I’m on my period”: Priceless.
  30. Ladies that don’t know what to get your man for valentines day, I have your answer…Forget the cutesy stuff!!! Get alcohol, feed him Red Meat and have sex with him wearing red and pink. Trust me I’m a guy…
  31. You did not have a valentine on valentines day? Some people don’t have a mother on mother’s day or a father on father’s day so shut up.
  32. Google… qrt(cos(x))*cos(300x)+sqrt(abs(x))-0.7)*(4-x*x)^0.01, sqrt(6-x^2), -sqrt(6-x^2) from -4.5 to 4.5
  33. If you can’t celebrate Valentine’s Day with someone you love, celebrate it with alcohol and pizza.
  34. It’s kind of fcuked up that Valentine’s Day is the only socially acceptable time to trade sexual favors for gifts.
  35. Valentine’s Day is for people who lack the imagination to be romantic during the rest of the year.
  36. Tips for Guys on Valentine’s Day: Tell your girl you already got something and make her guess. She’ll automatically list things she want.
  37. Well ladies valentines day is over. Time for the men to go back to being a-holes again.
  38. Guy gets wife roses. She says “I guess this means you want me on my back w my legs in the air?” He says, “Why, we don’t have a Vase?
  39. Roses are red, violets are blue…valentine’s crap is over now don’t you have some ironing to do
  40. Can I borrow a kiss? I promise I’ll give it back.
  41. A candlelight dinner with long stemmed roses sounds like a deadly combination for my inflatable valentine.