In Forever

A blind man walks into a bar.

The bartender says “Oh hey! I haven’t seen you in forever!” The blind man says “same”

Paddy Needs Directions

Michael stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork. …

Paddy says: “Are you on foot or in the car?” …

Michael replies: “In the car.”

“Well, that’s the quickest way,” says Paddy

Life and Death.

While watching the Cricket the other night my wife and I were discussing life and death. I told her, “Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and relying on fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”

She promptly got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.

Some days I just hate being married to a smart-assed b*tch !!!

Not What You Think

I was in the park today when a woman came up to me and said, “Are you taking photos of my daughter on your iPhone?”

“Yes I’m taking photos of her,” I replied, “But it’s not what you think.”

“So what is it then?” she asked.

I said, “A Samsung Galaxy.”