Fancy Dress Dilemma

There’s this man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn’t know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note. “Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate”.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasised his wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says “Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a Monks habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part”.

Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasising his wooden leg to emphasising his bald head and he writes the company a REALLY rude letter of complaint. The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads…..

“Dear Sir, please find enclosed a tin of treacle. Pour the tin of treacle over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a fcuking toffee apple, you c*nt.”

A Gay Day At The Zoo

Rodney LimpWrist and his light-in-the-loafers butt-buddy Chauncey, are visiting the Zoo. ….
They are walking hand-in-hand from cage to cage and they come across the gorilla and notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection. The gay guys are fascinated by this. Chauncey just can’t bear it any longer, and he reaches into the cage to touch it.

The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for six hours, nonstop, while the zoo attendants helplessly stand by….

When he’s done, the gorilla throws Chauncey out of the cage. An ambulance is called and he is rushed away to the hospital.

A few days later, Rodney visits Chauncey in the hospital and asks, “You look terribly sad. Are you hurt?”

“AM I HURT?” Chauncey sobs, “Wouldn’t you be? He hasn’t called…. he hasn’t written…..”

Womens FootBall Referee

I refereed a women’s football match yesterday. It was brilliant.

I booked two for muttering under their breath, one for the silent treatment and I sent one off without explanation and left her wondering what she’d done wrong.

Cuckoo Clock

Just got a job working in a full size cuckoo clock.

It’s not great, but it gets me out the house.