“Let us assume,” said the professor

“Let us assume,” said the professor, “that you are aboard a small craft alone in the Pacific, and you spot a vessel approaching you with several thousand sex-starved sailors on board. What would you do in this situation to avoid any problem?”

“I would attempt to turn my craft in the opposite direction,” stated the brunette.

“I would pass them, trusting my knife and a bottle of mace to keep me safe,” responded the redhead.

“Frankly” murmured the blonde, “I understand the situation, but I fail to see the problem.”

predictive text

I tried to text my girlfriend last night to say ‘sorry babe. I can’t come over tonight. I have to work. I’ll see you next week’

After I sent it I read it back and it said ‘Susan, I don’t see this relationship working. I am going to dump you in a public place next week. We won’t see each other until a night out in three months when we will have some drunken sex and both feel horrible the morning after.’

I had fucking predictive text on.

Value for Money

3 men are standing outside a brothel. One has $10,one has $20 & one has $30.
So they decide to go in one at a time and then tell the other two what they got for their money when they come out.

The one with $10 goes in first and comes out 10 minutes later with a big smile on his face.

“Well?” ask the others excitedly.

“A red-head put a pineapple ring on my cock, and ate it off in a very sensual way, it was well worth a tenner” he says.

So the one with $20 goes in, and comes out 15 minutes later, grinning from ear to ear.
“Well?” the others ask.

“This brunette put 2 pineapple rings on my cock, and very slowly & sexually nibbled them off, it was wonderful” he said.

The one with $30 can’t wait, and rushes in. 20 minutes later, he comes out in floods of tears.

“What’s happened?” ask the other two.

“Well,” he says, “this blonde put 3 pineapple rings on my cock, then a layer of custard, topped it with a layer of cream, sprinkled 100’s of topping over it, and put a cherry on top.”

“So why the fcuk are you crying?” they asked.

He replied, “‘cos it looked that fcuking good, I slid it off, and ate it MYSELF!”