Newly Weds – Pants dont fit

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.
He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, “Put those on.”
The bride replies, “I can’t wear your trousers.”
He replies, “And don’t forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!”
The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, “Try those on!”
He replies,”I can’t get into your knickers!”
“And you never bloody will if you don’t change your attitude.”

Lady & The Parrot

pollyA lady went to the store to buy a parrot and asks the salesman
“What’s so special about the parrot ?”
Salesman ” this parrot can talk”
So the lady asks the parrot ” how do I look?”
The parrot replies ” you look like a fcukin slut?”

The lady gets pissed off and tells the salesman that its a very rude parrot and she cannot buy it. The salesman tells her to wait for 2 mins. and takes the parrot to the back of the store and shoves the parrot into a bucket water. When he pulls the parrot out he says “if you disrespect the lady out there ill soak you in water again” and takes the parrot back outside

The salesman asked the lady to ask the parrot another question
Lady: “if I come home with one man what would you think?”
Parrot: “he’s your husband”
Lady: “2 men”
Parrot “your husband and his brother”
Lady: “3 men”:/
Parrot: “your husband his brother and your brother”
Lady :”4 men”
Parrot: “bring the fcuking bucket of water I already told you she’s a slut

Call a friend

Husband and wife are in bed watching “Who Wants to be a Millionaire”.

The husband asks for sex. The wife says, “No.”

Her husband asks, “Is that your final answer?”

She responds, “Yes.”

He says, “Then, Id like to call a friend.”

Grandma and Grandpa

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television.
The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.
Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.
Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.
Grandma scowled at him and said, “I guess you just don’t get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not raise the dead.””