Paddy at it again

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.  “I think it’s got epilepsy” he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says “It seems calm enough to me”.
Paddy says, “I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet”.

Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope “DO NOT BEND “.
Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the bloody thing up.

Paddy shouts frantically into the phone “My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!”
“Is this her first child?” asks the Doctor.
“No”, shouts Paddy, “this is her husband!”

Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to
avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.
Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
Cop says “For gods sake Paddy, that’s your air freshener swinging about!”

An old Irish farmer’s dog goes missing and he’s inconsolable.
His wife says “Why don’t you put an advert in the paper?”
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
“What did you put in the paper?” his wife asks.
“Here boy” he replies.

Paddy’s in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
“What the hell you doing?” he asks.
“Hanging myself” Paddy replies.
“It should be around your neck” says the Guard.
“I know” says Paddy “but I couldn’t  breathe”.

An American tourist asks an Irishman:
“Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?”
To which the Irishman replies:
“If they fell forwards, they’d still be in the bloody boat”

Never Question a Drunk

WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER, EVER, QUESTION A DRUNK…

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A Litre of low fat milk
A Dozen of eggs
A 2L bottle of orange juice
A lettuce
A Container of coffee
A 500g of Rindless Bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
‘You must be single.’

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict’s
intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right.

I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual
about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status..

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, ‘Yes you are correct.  But how on earth
did you know that?’

The drunk replied, ‘Cause you’re ugly.

Maid in India

The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting… on a Saturday morning… after breakfast…

Dad: People this is unacceptable. OK I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office But You too have to limit the use of the phone.

Mum: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone.

Son: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile.

All of them now in a state of shock and together they look at their maid who until now is patiently listening to them

Maid (unbaffled): So – what is the problem? We all use our work telephones !

Cheap Clothes – Paddy & Mike

Paddy and Mick are walking down a street in London .
Paddy happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.

The sign said: “Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, Trousers £2.50 per  pair”.

Paddy says to his pal, “Mick, look! We could buy a whole lot of dose, And when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, OK?
Just let me do all the talking, cause if they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us.
I’ll speak in my best English accent.”

“Roight y’are, Paddy, I’ll keep me mouth shut, so I will,” replies Mick.

They go in and Paddy says, “I’ll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I’ll back up my van and…”

The owner of the shop interrupts. “You’re from Ireland , aren’t you?”

“Well… Yes,” says a surprised Paddy. “How der hell d’ y’ know dat?”

The owner replied, “This is a dry cleaner