Call a friend

Husband and wife are in bed watching “Who Wants to be a Millionaire”.

The husband asks for sex. The wife says, “No.”

Her husband asks, “Is that your final answer?”

She responds, “Yes.”

He says, “Then, Id like to call a friend.”

Grandma and Grandpa

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television.
The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.
Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.
Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.
Grandma scowled at him and said, “I guess you just don’t get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not raise the dead.””

Rembering the 60’s..

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1961 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue.
He arrived at her house and rang the bell. ‘Oh, come on in!’ Peggy Sue’s mother said as she welcomed Fred in. ‘Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced  tea?’Iced tea, please,’ Fred said. Mum brought in the iced tea.
‘So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?’ she asked. ‘Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..”Peggy likes to screw, you know,’ Mum informed him.
‘Really?’ Fred replied, his eyebrows rising.
‘Oh yes,’ the mother continued, ‘When she goes out with her friends, that’s all they do! Screw, again and again!!’
‘Is that so?’ asked Fred, incredulous.
‘Yes,’ said the mother. ‘As a matter of fact, she’d screw all night if we let her!’
‘Well, thanks for the tip!’ Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.
A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture,  wearing a pink blouse and a hooped skirt and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail.
She  greeted Fred. ‘Have fun, kids!’ the mother said as they left.
Two hours later, a completely dishevelled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind  her.

“The Twist, Mum!” she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen. “The  dance is called the Twist!!!”

Jesus Knows You’re Here”

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his torch around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, ‘Jesus knows you’re here.’

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his torch off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and
continued.  Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard ‘Jesus is watching you.’

Freaked out, he shone his torch around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his torch
beam came to rest on a parrot. ‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot. ‘Yep’, the parrot confessed, then squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.’ The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you ?’

‘Moses,’ replied the bird. ‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed.  ‘What kind of people would name a bird Moses?’ ‘The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.’