“911, What is your emergency?” “2 girls are fighting over me!” “So what’s the problem sir?” “The ugly one is winning”
Alcohol doesn’t cause Hangovers…Waking up does…
My wife and I have a waterbed – I call it the “Dead Sea”!
I’m more pissed off than a mosquito in a room full of mannequins.
If you’re smart, handsome with a good personality you can get any girl except a black one.
People are tired of hearing about my girlfriend troubles, especially my wife.
It’s tough to control a fear of abandonment issue when your therapist doesn’t show up for your appointment.
The amount of sleep required by the average person is just five minutes more.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder…but Abstinence makes the arm grow stronger.
It’s Friday night… So many innocent beers have no idea what’s coming for ’em.
I farted while lifting a heavy object today. It was very embarrassing. I had to apologise to the man at the next urinal.
My co-worker informed me that people raised with manners say “Please” and “Thank you.” So I responded “Please, shut the f*ck up, thank you.”
Dear Doctor Phil: I am 16 years old and I am not pregnant yet, does that mean my brother is g@y?
WIFE: Honey, before we got married, you used to buy me expensive gifts and take me out for dinner and now you don’t. Why is that? HUSBAND: B!tch please! Have you ever seen a fisherman giving worms to a fish he has already caught?
Just got “The Look” from my dog. You know, the “What the hell you doing??? I drink out of there” look…
Once you get past my charm, good looks, intelligence and my sense of humor, I think it’s my modesty that stands out.
The American dream is no longer owning your own home. Its moving out of moms.
Put a Viagra pill in your fuel tank…atleast the fuel indicator will stay up !! 😀
I wish relationships were more like cell phone plans “Free nights and weekends”
Streaking is all fun and games… until the fat one wants to do it.