I’m not really marriage material… since I still have hopes and dreams.
My Boss Asked Me to Start The Presentation With a Joke. “I Attached My Payslip On the First Slide.”
Those guys with “I Love My Wife” bumper stickers definitely been caught cheating
I replied to your event invites with “maybe” because there wasn’t a box for “I haven’t seen you since high school, leave me alone.”
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I’m flattered.
I wish computer companies would design a keyboard with a removable crumb tray, kinda like my toaster.
Thanks to push-up bras and low cut shorts, I can now get to 2nd base w/ your girlfriend just by looking at her FB profile pic.
Always learn from mistakes of others who took your advice
The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will track you down… You have my word
Do I really need a 3ft receipt for buying a coke and a pack of gum?
To all the fat chicks that only take pics from the neck up …. good try … good try.
Wake up!” Me: (~_~) (-_-) (o_-) (-_o) (>_<) (o_O) (o_o)
I spent most of the weekend interacting with real friends instead of being on Facebook. It was a horrible decision.
Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri, “What do women want?” She’s been talking for the last 2 days and doesn’t seem ready to shut up anytime soon.
Just backed into a Jaguar but I left him a note on my bank statement so he knows not to bother calling
I went to a Mechanic when my car started making these awful noises but it just turned out to be Nickelback playing on the radio.
Whenever I get a friend request, Facebook should allow me free access to their wall and pics regardless of privacy settings so I can see who I’m dealing with. Some of you fcukers are so creepy your profile pic might as well be a white panel van.
Are airline stewards forbidden from saying “Hi Jack,” even if the pilot’s name is “Jack?”
The older and fatter I get the more my underwear makes me feel like a dolphin trapped in a tuna net.