Best WhatsApp Status

  1. Apparently alcohol contains female hormones. After you drink enough, you can’t neither drive nor shut the hell up
  2. Golf ball sized hail wouldn’t be so destructive if we just made golf balls a lot smaller. Do I have to think of everything?!
  3. Facebook allows me to see what my life would look like if I had married my girlfriend that I had in my 20s. – Dodged a bullet there.
  4. If you’re looking to work 2 hours a day, 3 days a week for about $1000 a week please contact me!!! We can look for it together.
  5. The first word I want to teach my kid is “brains.” Until he/she learns another word, I’ll have the cutest little zombie ever!
  6. Why, when our heart is stolen, do we insist on returning to the scene of the crime?
  7. Ever since my cell phone fell in to the toilet, I’ve been getting real sh*tty reception…
  8. Don’t get fooled by the free toilet paper app., My phone is ruined now
  9. I walked past a car filled with Mexican teens and they locked all the doors. I was feeling like a bad ass until I realized, it was my damn car.
  10. Oh, you’re engaged and in high school? I’m sure your marriage will last forever.
  11. Hey dumb ass. Not every thing I post pertains to you. Just the stuff that starts with, Hey dumb ass.
  12. Whats the point of a High School Reunion? I have Facebook, I already know you got fat!
  13. Jenna Jameson was arrested for a DUI which means she can now add the breathalyzer to the long list of things she’s blown.
  14. Technologically, I’m at that dangerous age. I’m old enough to mess everything up, and not young enough to fix it.
  15. Sometimes your mouth is like a zipper. By the time you realize it’s open, it’s already embarrassed you.
  16. When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
  17. Let the record show the plaintiff wore an Ed Hardy shirt, skinny jeans & Crocs before the assault. Your honor, he was clearly asking for it.
  18. I think I speak for everyone when I say we hate being spoken for.
  19. A huge ass spider crawled across my bed and now I can’t sleep because the firefighters are here putting out the mattress flames.
  20. Ladies… After a BJ, if your makeup doesn’t look like The Joker’s, you half-a55ed it.