Best WhatsApp Status

  1. Every woman needs find someone who will ruin her lipstick instead of her mascara.
  2. I’m back in the HR office today, apparently “Kill myself” was not an appropriate response when by boss asked me, “What would you do if you were me?”
  3. (Person:) Do you know how many calories are in that?! (Me:) Do you know how many f**ks I don’t give?
  4. Why do people put their relationship status as ” its complicated “?? We all know that means ur single but still doing ur ex.. why advertise that???
  5. I don’t know what the key to success is, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone.
  6. For the life of me, I can’t understand why small and medium pizzas exist.
  7. Three words that can really really crush a mans pride. “Is it in”?
  8. Hardest job in the world: Police sketch artist in China.
  9. Beer commercials taught me good looking people like horrible beer.
  10. Being Irish means getting rip-roaring drunk on special occasions. For example, when you celebrate dinner.
  11. Broke a light bulb today. Seven years of bad ideas?
  12. Remember the days when you could push your friend in the pool and not worry if they had a cellphone in their pocket? Good times…
  13. I’m currently writing a book about my love of dogs and gardening. It’s called b*tches and hoes.
  14. If I was single, I would have a stick figure of myself on the back of my car next to a bag of cash.
  15. Why are we still testing on animals when there are pedophiles in prison?
  16. Don’t worry if you are a kleptomaniac… you can always take something for it.
  17. How are poor people SO GOOD at finding money for tattoos???
  18. If I was a bathroom tile salesman, my pitch would be:”Think how great this will look in the background of your social network pics…”
  19. Women, not all guys talk to you just because they want to get in your pants… Sometimes they want to get in your friend’s pants.
  20. If you’re reading this and you’re under 12 years old… Don’t grow up, it’s a f*cking trap.