The truth shall set you free, but first it will piss you off!!!
If you hang around four broke people, I guarantee you will be the fifth.
I feel bad for kids nowadays that see a cool new toy on tv that they want, but have no way of getting, because their parents have to be 18 or older to call.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds. Then I got a Facebook account, and I’m over it.
The MTV Movie Awards are a great reminder of why kids should never be allowed to vote.
Politicians are like prostitutes; they get paid to pretend they like people while they fcuk them.
Was on the treadmill for over an hour and I must say it is much easier with roller blades
They say money doesn’t buy happiness, so I’m willing to go out of my comfort zone and test out that theory for $100,000,000. I promise to document any frowning while paragliding, jet skiing, driving a Lambo or flying in my G5
The major cause of auto wrecks is a screw loose in the nut behind the wheel.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
The 21st century. When deleting history is more important than making it.
WARNING: Unhealthy relationships may cause headaches, stress & a waste of your time. The cure for this is to be single.
Remember guys, while your checking some other girl out, someone else is checking out your girl. Appreciate what you have, or someone else will.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, you have boobs. It’s really that simple.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver.
I just went out and witnessed the transit of Venus.. Now I have no retinas…
Endless Love: Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.
Whoever said Diamond are a girls best friend……..Obviously never bought one a detachable shower-head.
Trying to act happy when no money falls out of your birthday card! 🙁
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for 2?” I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see him too?”