A guy with a gun enters a bar. “Who the f*ck had sex with my wife?” he snarled. A voice was heard in the background, “You don’t have enough bullets!”
Before making your three wishes, make sure your genie has a good command of English. Unrelated: would anyone like to purchase a massive rooster, a bunch of wet, Brazilian cats and a large section of donkey?
I joined Facebook as an outlet to complain about stuff, now I need someplace to complain about Facebook.
FACT: Couples who don’t have a TV in their bedroom have 50 percent more sex.
When I die, I want to be cremated and put inside an Etch-a-Sketch.
Who else had one of those pens with a million colors, and tried to push all the buttons at once?
Say “Dale!” 2. Mumble 3 Spanish words 3. List 4 cities. You just made a Pitbull song.
My day starts backwards… I wake up tired and I go to bed wide awake.
We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
That awkward moment when you’re yelling at someone and you mess up a word.
The Transit of Venus was by far the best small black dot moving boringly across a large yellow circle I’ve ever witnessed.
There should be a mandatory day on Facebook where everyone must turn off their spell-checker so we can weed out the retards.
I smiled today. I’m going to be so sore tomorrow!
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter STEP 2: Receive email newsletter STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
My phone number is 1 digit away from a local pizza place. I still take people’s orders, because fcuk people who can’t use a phone properly.
I always go the extra mile. The restraining order says I have to.
Rivalry between two vegetarians still called a beef?
Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your room. Those fcukers live forever.
Haven’t seen David Blaine in a long time. I’d say it’s his best trick ever.
Women’s faults are many, men have only 2: Everything they say and everything they do.