Best WhatsApp Status

  1. A guy with a gun enters a bar. “Who the f*ck had sex with my wife?” he snarled. A voice was heard in the background, “You don’t have enough bullets!”
  2. Before making your three wishes, make sure your genie has a good command of English. Unrelated: would anyone like to purchase a massive rooster, a bunch of wet, Brazilian cats and a large section of donkey?
  3. I joined Facebook as an outlet to complain about stuff, now I need someplace to complain about Facebook.
  4. FACT: Couples who don’t have a TV in their bedroom have 50 percent more sex.
  5. When I die, I want to be cremated and put inside an Etch-a-Sketch.
  6. Who else had one of those pens with a million colors, and tried to push all the buttons at once?
  7. Say “Dale!” 2. Mumble 3 Spanish words 3. List 4 cities. You just made a Pitbull song.
  8. My day starts backwards… I wake up tired and I go to bed wide awake.
  9. We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
  10. That awkward moment when you’re yelling at someone and you mess up a word.
  11. The Transit of Venus was by far the best small black dot moving boringly across a large yellow circle I’ve ever witnessed.
  12. There should be a mandatory day on Facebook where everyone must turn off their spell-checker so we can weed out the retards.
  13. I smiled today. I’m going to be so sore tomorrow!
  14. STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter STEP 2: Receive email newsletter STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
  15. My phone number is 1 digit away from a local pizza place. I still take people’s orders, because fcuk people who can’t use a phone properly.
  16. I always go the extra mile. The restraining order says I have to.
  17. Rivalry between two vegetarians still called a beef?
  18. Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your room. Those fcukers live forever.
  19. Haven’t seen David Blaine in a long time. I’d say it’s his best trick ever.
  20. Women’s faults are many, men have only 2: Everything they say and everything they do.