The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, nudity, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.
They say “Opposites attract” but they never tell you for how long.
Give a man a gun he can rob a bank. Give a man a bank he can rob the world.
Screw it, I’m starting Friday now.
Two types of people that annoy me: Drunk people when I’m sober. Sober people when I’m drunk.
My Wife said the other day “Do you still love me now that I’m getting old and fat?”. Apparently “you’re not old” was an inappropriate response.
Standing in Walmart cosmetics aisle with wife and she asks me if she should try this tube of wrinkle remover. I replied “it’s kind of a small tube, isn’t it?”. I’ve stopped coughing up blood, so the doctors optimistic.
Adam never let Eve boss him around. He wore the plants in the relationship.
I have come to the conclusion that the dryer lint is the cremated remains of all my missing socks.
This password requires one uppercase letter, one number, [at least] one swastika, the blood of your first born and a bird skull.
Lonely and unloved? There’s a cat for that.
I really think that Caller ID needs to be more detailed. It should say things like “Wants help moving” or “Will whine about bad relationship.”
A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he’s probably just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, that’s what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together
I would like to thank my boss for the job that gives me health insurance that covers my anxiety medication that I need to take because of this job.
That inner porn star moan that slips out when you stretch.
Be yourself, you already have the costume.
I think its unfair that men and women are not treated equally…It just seems wrong that women can show a lil boobie and get out of a speeding ticket but when I show a lil ball I get arrested…It just aint right
If my “check engine” light would just “check my wallet”….It would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Dear Sleep, I appreciate the effort, but you’re no match for the internet.