Best WhatsApp Status

  1. If anyone’s interested,, I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 3 pm on, until I’m removed by security.
  2. My date went pretty well last night. I was really attracted to her and sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex for hours. Kinda makes me wonder why I didn’t get a taser sooner.
  3. I’m at the doctor’s office & they don’t know why I have this rash on my balls. Guess I’ll wait for the Doctor, these other patients are clueless.
  4. I hate people who can’t make up their minds. I love them.
  5. Dear public bathrooms, Toilet paper holders should turn loosely, nobody wants to wipe their a$s with a handful of confetti.
  6. PMS = [P]repare to [M]eet [S]atan.
  7. Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces. For example: I am going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it’s closed.
  8. Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make! Then they call me ugly and poor.
  9. Process of liking a song: 1 Day: I love this song! 1 Week: Hey that song’s good. 1 Month: Turn that s$it off! 1 Year: OMG, I love this song!
  10. I witnessed 5 skinheads beating up a frail old lady across the street last night. I didn’t intervene because I didn’t know who started it.
  11. I thought when people lie to me their pants were supposed to catch on fire. Turns out that’s a lie also. Trust no one.
  12. Your duty as a best friend is to LIKE my Facebook posts even if they suck
  13. Dear Facebook friend that posts inspirational quotes, your inspirational quotes have inspired me to unfriend you!
  14. I have a friend who is a Jehovah’s Witness. He tried to tell me a knock knock joke and got all pissed off when I ignored him.
  15. “If at first you don’t succeed skydiving definitely isn’t for you.”
  16. When your drunk, leftovers aren’t so bad……. this may or may not be about food.
  17. Every girl has 3 personalities: 1) When she’s with her family. 2) When she’s with her friends. 3) When she’s with HIM.
  18. Win every argument simply by repeating your opponent’s last sentence in a whiny voice.
  19. Easy way to kill me: Dangle a spider from my rearview mirror while I’m driving.
  20. GOSH! You try to relax naked in the hot tub with a liquor drink and a cigar and the whole staff at the YMCA goes into an uproar….. Sheesh.