Best WhatsApp Status

  1. That awesome moment when you predict something and it actually comes true.
  2. Best-friends can see the difference between your fake smile and the real one.
  3. I laugh even harder when I try to explain why I’m laughing.
  4. I’m not rude, I’m honest.
  5. My kindle fire reads “50 shades of grey” to me. It’s like having an obscene phone call from Steven Hawking.
  6. A thief broke into my house last night searching for ‘Money’ …. So I woke up and started searching with him
  7. Sometimes people suck the life out of me like there’s a prize at the bottom.
  8. A bunch of my friends are coming over tonight to play on their phones.
  9. ‘Jesus loves you.’ Comforting to hear in church; terrifying to hear in a Mexican prison
  10. My boss asked if I had any special skills so I put my hand under my armpit to make fart sounds. We laughed and now I’m clearing out my desk
  11. My wife looks super hot without glasses. That’s why I stopped wearing them.
  12. “Always leave them wanting more” is my standard approach to paying bills.
  13. How long does it usually take for a Happy Meal to start working?…. It’s been an hour,,,,
  14. I hate it when the cashier asks me a stupid question like. “Are you buying all of these?”, “No B!@tch!!, I’m stealing, just wanted to show you first!”
  15. If you ALWAYS think the grass is greener on the other side, it might be because you need to take better care of your own sh!t.
  16. It’s embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasn’t sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing
  17. I’m not saying she’s fat…… But if you asked me to name my 5 fattest friends…. She would be 3 of them.
  18. If you’re at a party and people start chanting your name, you’re obligated to do anything they want you to do
  19. So broke right now, if a thief robbed me, he’d just be practicing.
  20. I don’t hate anyone like I hate the person who waits for me outside the bathroom to finish.