Mexican word of the day… Bishop. “My girlfriend fell down the stairs, so I had to pick the Bishop”
The way to a girl’s heart is presents. The way to a woman’s heart is presence.
You don’t know fear until you hear someone cough underneath your bed.
When people ask me dumb questions, my doctorate degree in sarcasm requires that I give them a sarcastic answer. What!? I took an oath!
Talk about a double standard, my 6 month old niece sneezes in someone’s face and it’s all “aww….how cute.” I do it and suddenly it’s all “what the hell is wrong with you.”
AXE Body spray for Women: Now women can become IRRESISTIBLE to men by wearing fragrances like “Breathing”, or “Just Being Alive in General”.
If you’re going to be an ass, remember to be a smart one; not a dumb one.
What has the world come too? I over heard some people talking. A 15 yr old girl said “I’m pregnant” and I think it was her aunt who said “Congratulations”. Are you serious? Congrats? How about you just ruined your life, you dumbass wh0re
I am a Vaginaterian.
There’s a fine line between a cougar and an old whore…….
Air Freshener: Because there’s no louder way of telling the whole house you’ve just taken a sh*t…
Sometimes I don’t understand women, they can walk around all day in public wearing a bikini but when they catch me looking at them in their bra and underwear, they scream the place down!
I watched my first Porn the other day. I looked so much younger back then!
Spotify is linked with Facebook so that your friends can see what you are listening to. (God help me the day Facebook connects with Google.
Dating a single mother is like continuing on from somebody else’s saved game.
ENOUGH WITH THE PARALYMPIC JOKES!!!I’m in a wheel chair!! I’M NOT GONNA STAND FOR THIS!!!!!
I’m writing a thanksgiving cookbook called “50 shades of gravy.”
The Best feeling ever: Waking up and seeing you still have a couple hours to sleep.
The woman who invented the phrase “All guys are the same” was a Chinese woman who lost her husband in a crowd in China.
Husband asks wife, “How many men have you slept with?” Wife proudly replies, “Only you Darling – With all the others, I stayed awake.”