Best WhatsApp Status

  1. “You are so rude!” moaned my wife. “The whole time I was talking you were yawning!” “I was not yawning. I was trying to say something.”
  2. Nobody teaches volcanoes to erupt, tsunamis to rise, hurricanes to sway around, no one is taught how to choose a wife, natural disasters just happen!!!!!!
  3. Eighteen is too young to get married! You can’t even buy alcohol. If you can’t drink, how are you going to make your marriage work?
  4. Dear middle finger, Thank you for sticking up for me.
  5. Whoever put “good” and “morning” together deserves a good slap in the face.
  6. Fun game: Borrow some tools from your neighbor and return them one by one covered in blood until they move.
  7. Be your own best friend. Everyone will be jealous.
  8. Technology is creating all kinds of new psychological problems. Losing a cell phone can put almost anyone into a panic attack, followed shortly by separation anxiety disorder.
  9. The liquor store is a great place to meet new friends.
  10. I’m sorry but if someone busted out of my birthday cake, they better have another cake in their hands because I really like cake.
  11. Remember before the internet when people ate food and didn’t need to tell everyone about it?
  12. The weird moment when you scroll through someone’s timeline history and they get skinnier…
  13. I have never once looked at a security guard and thought “I feel totally safe with that guy on the job”
  14. Tell her she’s beautiful instead of hot. She’s a woman, she’s not sick.
  15. Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.
  16. Sometimes people who joke around the most have the least to laugh about.
  17. I’ve been awake for long enough in my lifetime to know that I prefer sleep.
  18. Finally finished reading the iTunes license agreement. There’s a killer recipe for duck a l’orange on page 6,374.
  19. I told her I just wanted to be friends. She unfriended me on Facebook. Go figure.
  20. Even a turtle only makes progress when it sticks its neck out.