Best WhatsApp Status

  1. A woman said to me earlier……. “You’re the most sarcastic bastard I know.” I said, “Thanks……. That’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me.”
  2. Friends are just people I hate marginally less than everyone else.
  3. I may look like I’m doing nothing, but in my head I’m quite busy.
  4. I like the fact that you can see someone’s location on their Facebook profile. Because It makes it easier for me to avoid them.
  5. I’m so fat, if I were convicted and sentenced to death, I’d get the Electric Couch.
  6. I don’t use my cell phone in the car… I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.
  7. I received 10 text messages for sex this morning which is usually cool but I had my wife’s phone.
  8. People all around the world are out doing interesting and productive things right now. You are reading this.
  9. The record companies have done a good job of fighting piracy by releasing music no one wants to steal.
  10. I once dated a woman named Deb who hated to be called Deborah. Then I dated a woman named Tammi who really hated to be called Deborah
  11. I accidentally bumped into my ex today… with my car… at 60mph… on purpose.
  12. A liar takes forever to explain a simple answer…
  13. The road to happiness is currently under construction.
  14. I went line dancing last night …well it was a roadside sobriety test..same thing
  15. Unsure what love is, but my ex girlfriend thought going through my phone had something to do with it.
  16. I know when to say tits and when to say boobs. I’m classy like that.
  17. Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean you’re right
  18. People who spread their germs make me sick.
  19. Sunglasses: Allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It’s like Facebook in real life.
  20. Oh, let’s play that love game where you ignore me constantly and it kills me inside, then I start ignoring you too and it gets your attention!