Best WhatsApp Status

  1. It’s always a special moment when you finally get to hear those three words you’ve been waiting for…. “Your order’s ready.”
  2. Our kids will never know the terror of calling their crush on a landline and having their parents answer the phone.
  3. Remember,,, The worst things in life are free, too
  4. I really need a day in-between Sunday & Monday
  5. I went for a run but came back home after 2 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 2 minutes.
  6. How a woman crosses her legs can say a lot about how she feels about you. For Example: If they’re crossed over her head, she probably likes you
  7. I watched the deleted scenes from a p0rno last night. Turns out he did fix the washing machine after all.
  8. I’m not stalking you…I got your address off the envelope sitting on your coffee table in the background of your Instagram photo.
  9. I need hospital etiquette advice here guys. How long should you wait after they pull the plug to ask if you can use the socket to charge your phone?
  10. I hope skinny jeans are going to be around for a while because I sure as hell can’t get these fcukers off.
  11. I’m high tolerance and low maintenance. What more could you ask for in a girlfriend?
  12. There should be a separate social networking site for people who post inspirational quotes.
  13. When I bang my toe against something it’s like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know
  14. If they made Siri a man’s voice I’d trust the directions more.
  15. I really have no idea what a Kardashian is but,,,, From what I can gather, it’s an exercise bike for basketball players.
  16. I always put a little umbrella in my drink so it doesn’t dilute in the shower.
  17. Went out with ex last night. Sat next to each other, shared a meal, got drunk, went home and didn’t have sex. Just like being married again.
  18. Denial (n.) Balding men with ponytails.
  19. I only have one sexual preference and that’s as often as possible please.
  20. You may have written me off, but I’ll never be erased.