Best WhatsApp Status

  1. When you’re happy, you enjoy the music. But when you’re sad, you understand the lyrics
  2. Some lady just told me that she was terrible at math and that she flunked “algeber”. I’m sure she excelled in English class though.
  3. I use my birthday as an excuse to do whatever the hell I want. So basically it’s just like every other day, except with presents.
  4. For years doctors thought I was autistic but turns out that I’m just an a$$hole.
  5. How was I supposed to know she was ugly? She had boobs.
  6. When I meet someone with their pet, I have a much easier time remembering the pet’s name than the owners.
  7. When I’m at a restaurant I like to ask the waiter, “What’s your most frequently photographed entree?”
  8. Women spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
  9. When someone yells stop, I don’t know if it’s in the name of love, it’s hammer time, or if I should collaborate and listen.
  10. Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain 3.) prisoner of war 4.) homeless person 5.) wizard
  11. My goal is to be just the right amount of crazy to make everyone else doubt their sanity.
  12. Gee, that’s an awfully high horse you’re sitting on… don’t get hurt when you fall off!
  13. A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
  14. My poker face is when I’m standing in the express lane with 16 items.
  15. A bee just flew into my car so I had to abandon it on the highway and now I’m walking home.
  16. By the time most women are comfortable with their bodies, I’m not.Dear ex, I wouldn’t delete you as a Facebook friend. I want you to see the happiness I found after you left.
  17. I refuse to watch any presidential debates until they are both hooked up to lie detectors.
  18. Ladies, the good news is Prince Charming exists. The bad news is he’s just not very good-looking. That’s why he’s not called Prince Handsome.
  19. Half-Drunk is a waste of money.
  20. If you dance like no one’s watching you, you will never get laid.